Saturday, November 26, 2005

Ducks Redux

Affected not a little by http://www.grandinite.com and Aaron Braaten's posting of "useless" men by way of Candace Waldron, I tried to fill out a form for Best Canadian Blog--and screwed that up too in cyberspace, leaving me with just one category: Humour.

This is going to be quite a segue, from heavy short stories to humour, but we are intrepid tricksters. What follows, hopefully is humour.

If you only got one chuckle out of it, why, vote for creative writing (Ivan's site) in the 2005 Canadian Blog Awards.

-Ivan Prokopchuk

A token male in Seneca's English department, I was eventually cashiered, stripped of epaulets, moustache and medals and sent out into the desert of Main Street like a badly behaved Legionnaire.

Ten years of teaching gives you an authoritarian complex, you've got to lecture, compare, explain.

Having no one to lecture to (my wife had had enough and had moved out) I went out to Fairy Lake there to lecture to ducks, geese and assorted racoons.

I went to Wilkinson's Studios and lectured there, and Bruce Wilkinson decided I might make a pretty good tripod for his cameras, albeit a little noisy.

What to do when you're a fallen professional?

I got into politics and they burned my house down.

Homeless, I went back to lecturing ducks. Some would shuffle notes around the grass. Others would look up with some interest, but would stop paying attention once they realized that I had eaten all the bread in my bag.

I went out to Frank Stronach's farm to lecture horses, but these were an elite breed, holding their tinted cigarettes between hooves and pasterns, adjusting their Sixties-style blinkers and commenting on my lectures with loud whinnies and horselaughs.

"Go back to ducks," seemed the message.

Unpublished horses and unskilled bongo players really piss me off.

Eventually I got a job in an auto parts department, upon which time my girlfriend at the time complained that my lovemaking had become somewhat mechanical and would I watch more Sue Johanson, that grandmother from Hell.

Was Sue getting some? Any?

I tried Sue Johanson's advice but soon found that I was using up all the batteries at Radio Shack and had to go high tech.

Yep, there's a real world out here. Mechanics know more than PhD's.

At the college, they used to call me Doctor.

At the Bonanza, when I am in my cups, they call me something out of anatomy. Rhymes with Courtney Love.

I'm afraid the good old days are only beginning.

9 comments:

Christopher Willard author of Garbage Head said...

Hey, you have some interesting stuff -- I'll have to read some. Thanks for the Borges recommendation -- been meaning to pick up the big book I have near the bedroom door.

Ivan Prokopchuk said...

Buenas dias amigo.
Ivan

Anonymous said...

Yeah. Ducks. I had the same problem with geese. But I found
they were monogomous!

The Last Realist said...

Hey interesting reading, good luck in the voting - if you want to link some comedy to help yourself out feel free - I run a
"blahg" on Canadian Issues and also have videos from my satire group Cynically Tested - So drop by and leave a message - keep up the interesting writing, i'll be back. If you like your site please tell your friends and help some aspriring young satirists out.

Ivan Prokopchuk said...

THE LAST REALIST:
Welcome.
Just had a look at your blog; extremely slick and hipper and more saleable than emnem.
Over here, I'm something of a Flintstone (graduated from Ryeson
University a ganeration ago, Ryerson then known a Rock University)...It's going to take me about a week to set up a link to
you.
Like the stuff you have up, especially about Zed (yeah, I really dug it too). And the photo
of the sheep gave me a giggle.
I was once a hadline writer for the Globe. The sheep photo is intriguing:

SHEEP GOES BERSERK. SLAYS EIGHT.

SHEEP FINGERED IN TRIAL

(Maybe that's why I got laid off).
Anyway,nice to have you aboard.
As soon as I get my rubber duck inflated, I'll be clutching the duck and floating over your way.
Thanks again.
Ivan

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