Friday, February 10, 2006

You're Beautiful

It was Norman Mailer who first posited the novel as "The Great Bitch."

The Great Bitch, La Belle Dame sans merci, that unattainable Helen of Troy that gets you just about there, but not all the way, and leaves you howling at the moon, sometimes for years. You go to pursue. You scheme. You plan. To no avail. You will never be with her.

Now Mailer is an experienced enough artist to tell the novice writer that it's not getting laid that is the point, it's producing the book. At least that's what I got ouf of "An American Dream," for all its gaucheries and crudities Not to say, ever, that Mailer is gauche or crude, it's just that the embittered PI in the piece seemed gauche and crude.

And violent. Treated women like the Russian whoremasters of all the 'Stans today.

Cut to 2006. James Blunt, in his rather arresting falsetto:

I saw your face in a crowded place, and I don't know what to do.
You're beautiful! You're beautiful to me.
But it's time to face the truth.
I will never be with you.

Cut to:

Old Ivan, straddling three generations, and yet, still, somehow in love. With the Great Bitch, the Great Unattainable. Again and again.

The quest started in the late Sixties, A comic book collaboration between geniuses Michael O'Donoghue and Robert Springer, The Adventures of Phoebe-Zeitgeist, a gorgeous drop-dead Moonbeam McSwine, out of All Capp, perhaps, but nothing McSwinish about Phoebe- Zeitgeist. She is a Serbian debutante, an aristocrat, really--I don't want to mention Mila Mulroney in the same breath, but as gorgeous as Mila Mulroney anyway, but younger, and very, very sexy, in no matter what scene, what level of chains and degradation.

Phoebe-Zeitgeist, the belle of any ambassadorial ball, is suddenly kidnapped and captured by a series of bizarre characters, such as former Eskimos, Nazis, Communist Russians, Chinese foot fetishists and lesbian assassins. She does have a hard time of all this. She is variously rescued, recaptured and rescued again How I would have loved to have rescued Phoebe from the clutches of those evil Red Chinese and assorted rejects of Katmandu.

I was fresh out of liberal arts school, still high on old Eagle's notions on the Zeitgeist, the spirit of the age, that old German shepherd seeming more abreast of the times even today, than he was during Bismarck's reign, where a united Germany seemed to have it all. And Hegel had all the brains. Of course, right now America seems to have it all. But brains?

But cut to the chase: I was just out of the liberal Arts school, a former army guy, like James Blunt, guitar once strapped to the side of a radar console to look for Russians, a real Norman Mailer hero, and, inspired by the best art of my time, like all the Beat works, Norman Mailer, Jack Kerouac and, especially Michael O'Donoghue.

I was in love and On the Road to write a beautiful novel about Toronto, and if not that, at least meet my personal Phoebe-Zeitgeist. A naked woman in chains, political correctness be damned, is a huge turn- on for a young horny fool who wanted to write.

Three novels later, I found myself in the unenviable position of an old balding guy in love with a woman out of a porn movie, the very caricature of a dweeb out of Michael O'Donoghue's perfervid imagination, a Diogenes not with a candle in his hand, but with a guttering candle on the top of his head, the picture of his chained porn queen firmly embedded in his brain, and he "had to get!"

I had somehow stumbled, after my three novels upon an untenured professorship in English and the porn queen had been one of my students in a night class.

Professor and the Blue Angel. I was not aware, in those days that women who went to night school risked the House of the Rising sun, if not serious marital difficulties.

But my Phoebe was more a graduate student, graduate habitué of the House of the Rising Sun. Lately, all the whores are taking Creative Writing. And why not?

She told me she was an actress--and what an actress, I later found out as I checked out her VCR's. I was in love with the blow job queen of Holland Landing.

Ah the professor and the Blue Angel. Boris and Phoebe-Zeitgeist. There was a dungeon in her basement. We would visit it on her off days, when the pimp was away dealing drugs in Edmonton out of little red Toyota trucks.


She dumped me for a new pimp. I hardly had the resources. She stopped, of course, having what passed for sex between us. I still had her in the hippocampus of my groin. I had her smell. Better easy conquests, said old Herodotus. Better that, or your body will drive you mad as you seek the unattainable.

Yet there I was, in late middle age, the candle on top my head, a character, suddenly out of Michael O'Donoghue(himself dying of cancer, quitting his Saturday Night Live position). Why him? He was, after all, the genius of my quest, the explainer, the interpreter of our time. I was just a follower. With the candle on my head.

Yeah, yeah, it's fun to be a genius, of course, but keep that old candle before the cart.

Twenty years
Where'd they go

Twenty years, I don't know.
I sit there wonder some times
Where they'd gone.

I beat up the pimp and have disbanded the foot-fetishists and lesbian assassins. The PI side of me. Had to break it up. Hero in my own novel. But to me she would still not come. Still the candle on my head.

I sit here on a rock, along with my old Bob Seeger and Julian Lennon tapes, my old walkman
In the park

Doing the Ivan-man.

57 comments:

R.J. Baker said...

...are we all bound for a paupers mass grave?

Ivan Prokopchuk said...

Nah. Garden variety mid-life crisis.
...Of course over here, it's perpetual crisis.
Do notice the undertaker's wife has taken a shine to me though.
Remember basic training? Going through the gas chamber. Didn't think you were going to make it there, did you? F*cking Discip with a gas mask on asking you to give him ten. Madrechingar!
You probably had to take an M-l6 (17?)apart. Way, way back, we had the M-l Garand of W.W.2 vintage...had so many parts left over!
Still got parts left over.
HAL 2000: I'm coming apart Dave. I can feel it. I can feel it, Dave.
"Daisy, Daisy, Give me your answer true..."
Got it on the homotron.
Playing the pornograph right now.
At least there's still some interest.
Carl Gustav Jung: You think it's
all hopless on the other side. Not so. You have no idea how good it is
once you get through mid-life.

R.J. Baker said...

Fuck man, when is the good part? If it aint mid life, when can it possibly be? I fiqure at 40 you can go 20 years either way without being a perv.

That gas chamber thing was a trip. Take your mask off. No. Take your fucking mask off. Ok. You puke. Hold your breath. For how long? Breath cock-sucker. Breath.

And of course you do - suck in a lung full.

Isn't that just so.....life?

Ivan Prokopchuk said...

That ain't the half of it.
Wife been away for 27 years.
It has dawned on me that it might be over.
But here and there some pretty good women.
I had a friend who was always getting thrown through plate glass windows, told to f*ck off by just about everybody and said to me, after a particularly bad night:
On top of everything else, I'm queer.

R.J. Baker said...

...working through it.

ivan said...

The Eagles:
Take it easy...

Anonymous said...

So this James Blunt is a singer? I thought you were talking about the sodomite art-fancier that worked for the queen of England and spied for the Russkies. What do I know about modern pop culture? (To my knowledge, have never heard White Stripes. The brother/sister angle is of passing interest, though.) ZZ Top and Steely Dan are where it's at!

DoubtingThomas

(And the name is DoubtingThomas, damnit! Just because some other fool has used that name on the service Ivan uses, I can't sign in using that name. I am not anonymous. (sounds like The Prisoner, eh?)

ivan said...

Doubting Thomas,
So use your real name. The Federales after you?
Oops,just had a look. I guess my security just too picky.
Sodomite art fanciers? Tom, you look in the rearview mirror a lot while driving? Just wondering.

Steely Dan sucks canal water.
But then I missed the Seventies altogether so I'm just getting bits and pieces.
Strange musical scence these days
Hard to determine who's on top.
Myself, I think all people who say they love jazz are tonedeaf and full of shit, but I did catch Herbie Hancock accompanying the incredible Christina Aguilera on a jazz piece. Madre Chingar!
She might look like a Ho, walk like a Ho and talk like a Ho, but she no Ho. Got Britney beat all over (Sometimes I beat over Britney).
White Stripes is a cult thing.
Mainstream has never heard of them, at least, until Jon Stewart had musicians on his show for the first time.
Stripes too hip for America.
Shouldn't be too hip for you.
The Underground Man. Dostoevsky.
That little 23-year-old p..ck has got itall covered.
No, it's not Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
eating his sis

Anonymous said...

No probs with birth name. I kinda like the DoubtingThomas nom de plume, as it suits my approach to what I read and hear. Birth name is pretty Utopian.

Mainstream I am not. Didn't get into the Dan music until the nineties (nineteen nineties, not my nineties) believe it or not. Canal water sucking, eh? We all march to the beat of a different drummer; sometimes my drummer is named Beard, and he is the clean shaven one.

"Never look back, somebody might be gaining on you." Satchell Paige

Federales? If they were chasin', I wouldn't step into the limelight of yer blog, would I? Coming to your blog is like meeting friends at the coffeehouse or local pub. Coffee is a stimulant, and alcohol is a depressant. Choose yer poison.

I remain,
DoubtingThomas

ivan said...

Beam me up, Scotty Moore.
I guess you may have listened to SUN records in the Fifties, but then I'm not sure if you were even born then.
But I suppose it's me who has the teenage mind, interested in pop music right up to my sixties.
Also baseball.
"Avoid fried foods. Walk with a slow and rolling gait. Something might be gaining on you."--Satchel.
Well, my gait is rather quick of late, to dodge the bill collectors and the tax man. And something is sure as hell gaining on me.
Utopian name. Deliberate obfuscation? I know how to spell, I think. I never make misteaks.
Yeah, I get the Aubrey Beardsley thing. Meh.
Stay cool.

Anonymous said...

And indeed there will be time To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?” Time to turn back and descend the stair, With a bald spot in the middle of my hair— [They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”] My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin, My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin— [They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”] Do I dare Disturb the universe? In a minute there is time For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock
T.S. Eliot

Ivan, now that Dick Clark is ailing, do YOU want to be the world's oldest teenager?

DoubtingThomas

ivan said...

Heh.
Dare I eat a peach.
Yeah, come to think of it this is all a lot like the story of J.
Alfred Prufrock.
Time, gentlemen,time.

Shesawriter said...

Life's a witch and then we die. The End. Short but bittersweet.

Tanya

Bernita said...

Gently, mes hommes.
Into that still night.
Make it sweet.
The unattainable woman.The dream
lover.
We can't help it.
Do you remember, with all your beatings and bashings, the song "You Don't Know me?"

ivan said...

This indeed is beautiful.
Poetic and somehow vulnerable.
Eternal.
Feminine.

ivan said...

Love those cartoon Minerva eyes.
The eyes are everything, aren't they?
Mother.
Money.

(And, Freudians would quickly add):
Penis.

Bernita said...

And memory.

Erik Ivan James said...

Born in the 40's, crawled and then walked into the 50's, learned how to run in the 60's, got drunk in the 70's, missed them, the 80's and 90's, learning to crawl again. Left all my dreams behind.

ivan said...

Bernita:
appropos.

ivan said...

Eric Ivan James:
Well,you can certainly write a good blog. Reminds me somewhow of Thurber, another adept.
How we somehow uncinsciously follow some archetypal figure.
Melville's wife to Herman. "Lost your job? Good. Now you can write your book."

Myself, having a comic turn of mind, think of dead Jonathan Winters and his hilarious gay whale hunter routine. "Spend all day looking for that silly fish!"
But I guess we're all looking for that silly fish. Certainly a part of the content of my blog.
The silly fish in numinous, divine, feminine. God? Goddess?
We dare not, in our puniness stand up to....Her?

R.J. Baker said...

"The law is a demanding mistress." That was told to me in law school and it was true.

Now the "book" has become the demanding mistress, and if I don't listen when she calls, I end up flogging myself...

Bernita said...

I think that was Anthony Blunt, Thomas.

ivan said...

"Nothing wrong with flogging yourself."
--Leopold von-Sacher Masoch.

Seriously, as some syndicated American poet said a hundred years ago, "a man's gotta hump hisself to get the job done."
You are extremely vulnerable righ now and writing tends to make one even more vulnerable, but in the last count it is great therapy--I mean look at all the stuff in these pages; largely for therapy.
Yeah, take all your pain and throw it right back.

ivan said...

Doubting Thomas:
There is a gorgeous bibliophile on
your case. Better look to your Op cits, your footnotes and your Ibids.
I guess being purssued by a bibliophile is a little less unsettling than any other kind of
phile.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Bernita. I knew that all along. Blunt was widely thought to be one of Kim's gang that gathered at Oxford or Cambridge. More of a whimper than a bang when he was caught. Maybe he would reveal embarrassing things if pressed? In the end, he loved old art and in the end, and maybe he loved Art also. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Bibiophiles are one for the books! Better a 'phile than a rasp, I always say! (or will in the future.)

DoubtingThomas

Bernita said...

Thought you did, Thomas. Just crossing an "i" and dotting a "t".
Cambridge, for choice.

Amazes me that you men -especially Ivan - moan about age when your writing is vivid and vital and virile.
So there.

ivan said...

The now rich and famous Norman Podhoretz says he feels like
masturbating after a particulardly
hard piece of writing.
Is that how it's done?
Well, I'm good at that.

Eyesight seems affected. Can't see the copy.

Chuckercanuck said...

bernita,

especially when us young punks manage to produce writing that is vapid, vestigial and vexing.

Chuckercanuck said...

bernita,

especially when us young punks manage to produce writing that is vapid, vestigial and vexing.

ivan said...

vvvvvvvvvv Chucker.
We are so old we're still sending emails in cuneiform.
Found some porn near the Ziggurat.
Akbar eats it.----?

ivan said...

Holy smokes!!! I've been trying all day to find little know sources of "real" people online with thoughts and ideas about coolest kid in the world. I stumbled on to your porst about Bringing it all back home and although it's not exactly what I was looking for, it certainly caught my attention. I'm personally building a resource for coolest kid in the world and hope you might stop by and check it out when you have a chance...let me know your thoughts. I'll be sure to send people this way as well. Thanks ivan...Cheers!

Anonymous said...

Bernita, mon cher,

I have always been the right age. Seems to trouble others sometimes. I have lived through some fascinating history and witnessed some pretty remarkable things, and remember most of it. If one is fortunate, one reaches a point in the living of life where humor returns and things get a little less tense. Kind of like it was in childhood. I know lesser intellects will make the somewhat illogical shot about second childhood. If you persist in this sophomoric attempt at humor, I will send Ivan 'round with his untuned Silvertone acoustic guitar when you are in a deep sleep and Ivan will stand under the window of your bedchamber and serenade you! (That will fix the buggers!)

In closing, I think that you paid Ivan and me a compliment about our writing. If so, thank you, and I will urge Ivan to cool it with the comments about onanism. It's a free world, though, unless you are a cartoonist!

DoubtingThomas

ivan said...

WHOOPS! LUDDITE MOMENT.
I WAS TRYING TO COPY ANDPASTE THIS COMMENT WHICH CAME IN ON MY ARCHIVES.
Coolest kid in the world?
Sombebdoy trying to build a child star?
I see them all the time on Jay Lenno and Dave Letterman, but here?
Sound of one hand clapping.
Ivan does have a naive streak.

ivan said...

Ye gods!
How I came to build a website I don't know.
Trying to put all the comments in their appropriate places, but out of smokes and nervous system acting up just after a full moon, I tried some rearranging and fear I have to tally mucked it up.
Gimmy a break, I've got one foot in the grave. Seniors' moments.
Ah, but there's still fire down below.
Thomas, your comments to Bernita
are starting to turn me on.
BLut then Thomas says watch it on that self-made man thing you're always going on about.

Bernita said...

It was a sincere compliment, Thomas,meant directly, without airy persiflage or fol-de-rol, shall I take it back since you consdier me sophmoric?
BTW, I am, and always, a "ma chere."

Chucker, what's with this "us?"

Anonymous said...

Bernita,

Just a dad-blamed minute there! Nope, not you! That was for others. Ivan is getting turned on; my futile attempts to use the Other Offical Language must do something other than make me appear as an oaf. La-la-la. Ivan my thoughts turn your way during a full moon. Don't let the rays of a full moon fall upon you as you sleep!

Chuckercanuck said...

bernita,
oh, just me, then. hiding in a crowd of ghosts.

ivan said...

I was born not far from Transylvania.
Take precautions!

ivan said...

Chucker,
Well you sure don't needa ghost writer on your site. Got me interested in politics again.
Some remarkable posts of late.

Bernita said...

Actually, chucker, you're clear and perspicatious, If I didn't despise politics so utterly, I'd read you with pleasure.

Chuckercanuck said...

now my cheeks are redder than when I watched the Paris Hilton video on tv.

coming here is a revelation. its underscored how much this device can change people's lives.

you all play with language and story in such a stimulating way - the threads are fun to read even when I'm lost.

and then, being a Montrealer, the idea of people getting literary and romantic with the Scarborough bluffs - they are quite lovely - but Toronto? its quite exciting.

its like reading Fifth Businesss as a young man and realizing your country can be "a place".

Bernita said...

Does a prophet despise his own country?

ivan said...

Bernita,
You're being Bernita-ish again.
He loves us.
And naturally, when someone likes you, you like him back.

Chuckercanuck said...

The swallow looks up and realizes, "hey there's something kind of creepy about this vulture friend of mine."

ivan said...

Fart smucker.
Aliens in the crevices?
I should read more of Whitney Streiber, but I fear it would wreck my mind.
What the hell, we Ukies like garlic.

R.J. Baker said...

Ya know. Ya never know what will be topic de jure here in Ivanland.

A hearty stew of Canadian politique and UFOs.

Aliens in crevises....hmmmmmmm?

ivan said...

I guess the Smothers Brothers still have me laughing with Dick's
Pumas in the Crevices (Dick kept misunderstanding word games).

Next blog? It's gotta be good.
My co-workes are wincing and calling me a homo. This means a homogenous blog for sure.

Hey, you're a lawyer. Know something about evesdropping? Every time I do a Mark and Pull joke refering to Dick Chaney, the blog administrator tells me to f--off. WTF. Blogger censoring now?
You're supposed to keep quiet when tht happens,I suppose. What if it is the blog author and I am pissing him off with my garrulouslness?
Anyway, keep the good news coming.
Ivan

R.J. Baker said...

I thought you were this blog's administrator. Self-censorship?

I have never seen the system adminstrator and I have posted some pretty bizzar stuff.

I assume that there is some fine print somewhere regarding they're right to censor anything they deem "below community standards." Which of course would be my entire blog. ; )

Chuckercanuck said...

ivan,

you are a dangerous man. i'm not surprised that some guardian of our culture has decided to clamp down on you.

ivan said...

I keep peppering Aaron Braaten's site, http://www.grandinite.com with endless comments, some of them off- the- wall and a tad pruritent. Been hitting that site for two years over which period I was unofficially awarded a "Borgesian Blog Award" for "best blog by an older dude."
In the last two weeks, Aaron has chaneged servers and ever since he did that, 75% pf my comments are squelched by the "Blog administrator." I guess that could be Aaron trying out his new spam filter?...I am Spam? One man's Mede is another man's Persian.
Aaron is a friend and I'm wondering what's happening.
It only happens when I mention
Oil Bourse, Iraq, Cheney, shotguns
and Texas Railroad company.
My paranoia?
Maybe I've got a virus in my machine, but I don't think so.
.......Aaron sold out to Alberta Oil? Hmmm. LOL.

Anonymous said...

Chucker,
Tongue out of cheek?

Fear not, my next blog will be tongue well into cheek. Ha.

Yeah, guardians of our culture.
That would be okay if we had a culture (French-Canadians excepted).
We are carbon-copy You-alls.
N'est ce pas?

ivan said...

p.s. to Chucker:
You have,of course, have had a look at our constitution. I could find the charter of rights and freedoms ok, but where the %&@#* is the constitution? Half of it is unwritten and the rest given over to lawyers and supreme court justices.
Oy.

ivan said...

Further to r.j.:

They are trying to hide it, but I seem to be getting a lot of hits from what appears to be Langley, Virginia and Maryland.
Nothing stupid survives in the jungle?

"It was the strawberries. That's where I knew I had them. With geometric logic, I proved they stole the strawberries...
And:
It's my body fluids, Mandrake, I can't let them have my body fluids
--the Body Fluids man in Dr. Strangelove.

ramuan ajaib said...

GOOD POST
Cari Obat Ambeien Sudah Parah
Cari Obat Alami Ambeien Sudah Parah
Cari Obat Untuk Ambeien Sudah Parah
Cari Obat Atasi Ambeien Sudah Parah
Cari Obat Ambeien Yang Sudah Parah

Michael said...

*******Very Amazing ****** Hot*****

Wenhao Guo said...

karen millen dresses
coach outlet
ugg boots
cheap mlb jerseys
michael kors outlet
michael kors handbags clearance
cheap nfl jerseys
lebron james shoes
michael kors uk
replica handbags
ralph lauren
oakley sunglasses
true religion outlet
toms shoes
swarovski crystal
moncler outlet
nba jerseys
michael kors outlet
oakley sunglasses
asics
true religion jeans
calvin klein underwear
cheap uggs
michael kors outlet store
uggs on sale
michael kors online
nike huarache
coach handbags
beats headphones
louis vuitton handbags
cheng1120

Anonymous said...

good
Obat Sipilis Tradisional Instan
Obat Sipilis Raja Singa Tradisional Instan
Obat Sipilis Tradisional Yang Instan
Beli Obat Sipilis Tradisional Instan
Pengobatan Sipilis Tradisional Instan
Keluar Nanah dari Kemaluan Pria
Keluar Cairan Nanah dari Kemaluan Pria
Pengobatan Keluar Nanah dari Kemaluan Pria
Mengatasi Keluar Nanah dari Kemaluan Pria
Mengobati Keluar Nanah dari Kemaluan Pria
Obat Keluar Nanah dari Kemaluan Pria
Obat Alami Keluar Nanah dari Kemaluan Pria
Obat Keluar Lendir Nanah dari Kemaluan Pria
Obat Keluar Nanah dari Ujung Kemaluan Pria
Obat Keluar Nanah dari Alat Kemaluan Pria
Mengobati Keluar Nanah dari Kemaluan Pria
Cara Terbaik Mengobati Keluar Nanah dari Kemaluan Pria
Mengobati Keluar Nanah dari Kemaluan Pria Secara Cepat
Tips Murah Mengobati Keluar Nanah dari Kemaluan Pria
Mengobati Keluar Seperti Nanah dari Kemaluan Pria
Keluar Nanah dari Batang Kemaluan Pria
Keluar Ciran Nanah dari Batang Kemaluan Pria
Penyebab Keluar Nanah dari Batang Kemaluan Pria
Cara Atasi Keluar Nanah dari Batang Kemaluan Pria
Makalah Keluar Nanah dari Batang Kemaluan Pria
Pengobatan Herbal Kanker Serviks
Pengobatan Herbal Untuk Kanker Serviks
Pengobatan Herbal Kanker Serviks Stadium 3
Cara Pengobatan Herbal Kanker Serviks
Resep Pengobatan Herbal Kanker Serviks