Friday, January 05, 2007

How to screw up a TV script



This will be the last bit of fudging on my part until we resume the posting of the last few chapters of my Black Icon novella.

Lord, it takes forever to get serious in the fist week of January.

Some years ago, after being intereviews on Cable TV over my Light Over Newmarket, I befriended a "grip", a cable-puller on Rogers Television and the grip said, "Don't write another book, write a TV program.

"Can you have it aired?"I asked.

"Sure. I know everybody," said the grip. "Just give me a half-hour script for your proposed program.

Still high on the relative success of my Light Over Newmarket, I got something like buck fever and produced almost an instant script.

Result: Total Failure. The grip said I used too much copyrighted movie material, the station was going regional, and the producer had said we coldn't take a chance on a program like this. And besides, and besides...

Shortly after, the grip got fired as the cable station went regional with the usual offering of food, fitness, boosterism and sucking up to police and fire departments.

Ah well. Here is the script I produced.



My address here





UNDERGROUND ON MAIN STREET


PROGRAM TITLE: " POINT THIRTY"




Music in bg. Up............................................WHERE ARE THE ANGRY YOUNG MEN NOW?
WHERE ARE THE ANGRY YOUNG MEN NOW?
I WONDER WHAT BECAME OF THE ROCKERS AND THE MODS
I GUESS THEY'RE ALL MAKING IT, THEY'VE ALL GOT STEADY JOBS
AND I WONDER WHERE THEY ALL ARE NOW

--Ray Davies and the Kinks
Copyright 1969, Davray Music
Performed by Mumble Ducks,
Newmarket



Announcer......................ROCK USED TO BE POLITICS IN THE SIXTIES, THE FILMS of JEAN-LUC GODDARD, THE MUSIC OF BOB DYLAN, JOAN BAEZ, THE FILMS OF ROBERT ALTMAN, THE VIETNAM PROTEST AT KENT STATE, THE SHOOTING OF STUDENTS BY LOCAL POLICE.

File footage here of Sixties phenomena to..................................................



Announcer.........................WE ARE AT POINT THIRTY, THIRTY YEARS AFTER THE SEXUAL

REVOLUTION,
THE POLITICAL REVOLUTION, THE YIPPIE-DIPPIE DROPOUTS THE JESUS
HAIR AND CLOTHING STYLES THAT AMOUNTED TO COSTUME
DESIGN

POINT THIRTY, AND BEYOND IT, POINT-THIRTY-FIVE, A PERIOD IN WHICH YOU
KNOW, INTELLECTUALLY AT LEAST, THAT YOU, WHO HAS ENJOYED
LIFE AND SAMPLED SOME OF ITS PLEASURES, ARE GOING TO DIE, AND ALL
OF LIFE'S ILLUSIONS MAY WELL BE IN THE SONGS OF JONI MITCHELL...


Music in bg: Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now, perfromed by the Mummble Ducks to............



Announcer......................BUT THERE IS A TWIST TO THE SPIRIT OF THE AGE, A WARP IN THE ZEITGEIST, AND SUDDENLY WE'RE IN THE EIGHTIES AND THE NINETIES, WHERE GUNS'N"ROSES
FLOURISH, WHERE NIRVANA BLOWS.


Cut to: Footage of Mummble Ducks performing Sweet Child of Mine. Cut to:

Footage of Kurt Cobain performing "I apologize."

Cut to:

Seal, performing Kissed by a Rose on a Grave...to Announcer

Announcer...................KISSED BY A ROSE FROM A GRAVE. ALL THE ROSES ARE COMING BACK
IN THE ENLESS WHORLS OF TIME.
LIFE IS SHORT, ART IS LONG, AND POP
MUSIC WILL GO ON FOREVER. to....................

Mumble Ducks Performing "This Will Go on Forever" by Jimmy Clanton. To break.



...................................


Announcer..................HI. WELCOME BACK TO POINT THIRTY, AN EXPLORATION OF SOME OF THE
MUSICAL AND CULTURAL TRENDS OF TODAY. WE'RE BROADCASTING OUT OF
MAIN STREET NEWMAKET, WHERE ALL THINGS SEEM TO SUDDENLY HAPPEN.

MARGRET ATWOOD TALKS OF CANADA HAVING A GARRISON MENTALITY.....WELL, WE'VE GOT SOMETHING OF A GARRISON MENTALITY HERE IN NEWMARKET,
ALL OF US COMING FROM DIFFERENT PLACES, DIFFERENT CULTURES, ENDING UP HERE IN A BRAND
NEW SOCIAL MIX AND THAT MIX SIGNALS DIVERSITY, CREATIVITY, I MEAN, LOOK WHAT WE CAN DO.

Cut to: The Mummble Ducks doing Bob Dylan's Masters of War...Cut to.........

Announcer........................MAIN STREET NEWMARKET. IT USED TO BE A REAL HUB OF ENERGY,
WEIRD AND WONDERFUL HAPPENINGS WELL INTO THE SEVENTIES.


Cut to: Rick Hoyles, local multitalented musician, playing the sitar, dressed in India-style billowing shirttsleeves and jewelled tunic. He stops playing the sitar to play an oud, a Turkish instrument, then a soprano saxaphone, then a classical guitar from which a combination of flamence and Bach issues.


Announcer ...THIRTY-FIVE YEARS AGO, NEWMARKET WASN'T HAIGHT-ASHBURY, OR PARIS,
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. NEWMARKET WAS JUST ANOTHER ENCLAVE OF THE PEOPLE
KNOWN AS HIPPIES, AND LATER, PUNKS. THE MAMMOTH DRUG SCENES, THE PARTIES,
THE WELFARE CHEQUES...AND NOW WE'RE ALL BACK TO OUR MORTGAGES, OUR
MONSTER HOMES. WE ARE MOMMIES AND DADDIES AND GRANDPAS.
AND STILL WE YEARN FOR THE NOSTALGIA OF THE SIXTIES, THE BIGGEST FLOWERING
EVER


Back to ....... THE MUMMBLE DUCKS doing

Where are the agry young men now
Where are the angry young men...

Announcer.....THANK YOU FOR WATCHING OUR SHOW. MY NAME IS IVAN AND I'VE LIVED IN
THESE PARTS FOR THIRTY YEARS.


WE'RE GOING TO CLOSE THIS SHOW WITHITH SOME MAIN STREET FOOTAGE OVER THE PAST THIRTY-FIVE YEARS WITH SPECIAL AMPHASIS ON MUSICIANS AND ARTS. HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED THE SHOW.
NEXT WEEK WE PLAN TO HAVE EVEN MORE OF OUR LOCAL MUSICIANS AND ARTISTS ON. THE NEWMARKET RENAIISANCE IS UPON US. I LIKE TO THINK WE' RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.

WHAT, YOU NEVER HEARD OF GLASS TIGER, THE BARENAKED LADIES, DAN HILL? STICK AROUND.
I DON'T THINK YOU'LL BE DISAPPOINTED. THAT'S POINT THIRTY FOR NOW.

To end.



18 comments:

EA Monroe said...

Ivan, you were/are ahead of the times. Most people now days are sound asleep (probably prefer sleeping in comfort!). I wonder what it will take to wake the sleepers up?

ivan said...

Thanks, Liz.
Oh, they've got to wake up.
Seems some days we're back in l974.

EA Monroe said...

Hi, Ivan. What's going on today? I've got to give San a bath. She's still a little skunkish.

Josie said...

Where is everyone? Don't you guys love me anymore?

The wind almost blew us away last night...

Cheers,
Josie

ivan said...

Josie,
I did a doormouse this morning.
Almmost missed the tea party.
Usually, I'm looking at my watch and being frantic. Be over at your place in a bit.

Ivan

Josie said...

It's sunny today. I'm going out to play.

It'll rain tomorrow.

ivan said...

Hi Liz.
I was going to say good morning, but an encounter with "the creature" left me late for just about everything.
Joining San in having a touch of that skunky feeling.
I was trying to lose weight by exercise and diet, but all that did was jump me up and make me thirsty. No, not water.

Rene Descartes: "I think, therefore I am."

Ivan: "I drink, therefore..."

Must be this strange winter.
All my plants are faked out, and so am I.
The guy out of Voltaire, who has fallen off a high tower, saying to himself in transit, "Feels good so far."
Heh

ivan said...

Josie,
The roof fissure and near-tearing off of the BC dome in the howling wind is all over the news this morning.
What does God have against British Columbia?
Sort of like my cousins, the Poles,
who built an entire civilization on the 401 Freeway.
No ocean, but it's one small steppe...
At least you have sunshine today and three extra minutes of daylight.

Ivan

Jaye Wells said...

Please go to my blog and take part in the blogstory. It's all EA's fault.

www.jayewells.com

Sela Carsen said...

I didn't comment earlier because I didn't have time to read it closely! Brat.

I think it sounds like a good idea for a documentary-style series. It's very VH-1.

And, umm, I'm too young to remember most of these folks! Who are the Mummble Ducks?

ivan said...

Jaye,
I am a Luddite with nerd-like tendencies,only recently familiar with this fershlugginer machine.
I can't even do Word, let alone highlight a word. I don't think I can play.
So thanks for the entreaty. I will visit your blog if only to put in something scurrilous.
E.A. is blaming it on Miss Aeval.
I floated over to Ms. Aeval's blog
and I thought I heard a Ding-Dong.

Avon?

I am a word freak. I can't do puzzles unless they're crossword.
....Maybe that'w why I screwed up my TV script.
Everything has to be timed down to the last second.
Fear I slipped my gears.
...And the drinkin' don't help.
Hah

ivan said...

Hi Sela, baby,

Thanks for the comment.

Nobody here has heard of the Mummble Ducks either.

It's a group I used to jam with locally. They were very good, could match anybody and I think they finally put out a CD.
But AM radio is so duff on airing new music these days and my boys finally broke up, one doing stand-up comedy and another becoming an honours English student.
Which was too damn bad because the Mummble Ducks could play rings around me or anybody else.
I was glad to hear, though that the English student heard some buzz around York University here and he reports that some profs thought my Light Over Newmarket was pretty cool.
Oh, braggart that I am, I will say it on.
The profs said Light Over Newmarket was the best post-modern novel written in Canada.
But my English major had to say those things.
If he came back with bad news they wouldn't have a weekend lead singer for their band.
Heh.

EA Monroe said...

Ivan, just copy and paste, add the title to your blog and go tag Josie.

We'll have a party afterwards! I think I'm turning into Lindsay Lohan (we have the same birthdays, but then so does Herman Hesse)!

I've been out running around with the boys and just got home.

ivan said...

Liz,
For you, I would do anything.
But my synapses are all jammed up and I am full of alcohol...Still on my diet, so I didnt eat---but there's a steak in every three-ounce shot!
...I just fleated over to Antonia Zerbisias' blog, Toronto Star, and they think I'm pretty woozy over there too.
But then Antonia seems to have this writer's cramp too. She just won't budge or moderate comments.
Dunno what's up. Probably family anxieties with her. She is so clever!
I just can'tget my unicycle to work! Where in hell is the start crank?
I'll try playing as soon as I sober up.
But then it will be too late?
Maybe not.
Love and cuddly hugs,

Ivan

EA Monroe said...

That's okay, Ivan.
In the mean time, you might like to go over to Pete's and gaze at his fantastic photos and read his words.

http://pohanginapete.blogspot.com/

I still haven't learned how to do the "links" in the comments, so you'll have to copy and past into your browser.

Take care of yourself. I bet there's some music playing on the tube tonight.

XXOOXXOO
Liz

ivan said...

Liz,
re music.
Oh I hope there's good music on the tube tonight.
I watched Austin City Limits between snorts last night and all they had was highly skilled guitar players like J. Weathersby--but none of them had any charisma! No response from me, no matter how brilliant the blues riffs. You can get to be so good a player that you forget you're playing for people?
Maybe that's why some jazz turns me off.
So yeah. I'll go out for a ten- mile walk this time, burping copiously, hoping it'll clear my head. Jus hope Saturday Night Live doesn't have more dog musicians tonight.
Oh what the hell.
I managed to put some doggerel up on Jaye's blahg tonight.
She might shoot me.
Hah.

Hugs,
Ivan

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