Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Pettiness, Thy name is Ivan


Every so often, a slightly gassy mother of three will sit down and start a literary blog.

The poor mother is in deep menopause, is convinced that she is a writer and will produce endless
instructions on the art of writing while herself not even near the "Famous Writers' " method of just letting one word follow another.
In fact she has failed three creative writing courses (How do you fail Creative Writing?...but she managed it).

But onward and upward. She goes on to parse sentences, establish rules.

Other bloggers are reading. This chick knows something.

But as time goes on the other bloggers go on to being published--at least on other people's blogs and the
gassy blogger keeps writing more and more about rules, methods, the do's and don'ts.

She finally produces something that looks like the opening of a fantasy, but it is so disjointed, so wordy,
that a veteran writer begins to think she must surely be good for something, even if it's the perverted image in his head.

What keeps up this delusion? Is there a cure?

It has been my experience that there are a lot of powerless people out there, and if it is true that absolute power corrupts, an absolute lack of power seems to corrupt absolutely.

So in every instance of an established writer trying to make a point on her blog, she will start badgering him or her to the point of driving the published writer right off a blog
. Especially established women writers.
Cat fight.

And dare a male writer tell her something?

"Take that, you supercillious bastard, and furthermore, I'll kick you in the balls."

I have met so many of these gassy chicks throughout my travels.

Abysmally ignorant, unlettered, they nevertheless know how to f*ck up an artist.

It is their only talent.

But the woman does pick up a pointer or two on writing blogs. She has been at for years and years by now, and in fairnesss, the blog is interesting and arresting. We all want to improve. Sometimes you can take lessons from your waitress or hairdresser. Talent hides in the strangest places. Here and there our gassy blogger has picked up bits of writers' wisdom, the need to write to a plot, phrasing, timing.

Sounds by now like she almost knows what she is talking about.
But it's all from how-to books she has been reading; none of it is from her.

There was a time when I felt the professional is alwalys safe among amateurs.

Not any more.

They are manipulative, envious, dangerous.

Best to let sleeping mares (I was going to use another word) lie.

....end rant.

34 comments:

EA Monroe said...

Ivan! I hope you have your balls in a safe place! Just in case. Hah! I couldn't resist. Who have you been pestering lately?

Sorry, I haven't been around much -- work has kept me too busy to get into much trouble. Oh well, the full moon's a rising. Time for mischief! ~Liz

ivan said...

Hi doll,

Heh heh.


Elizabeth,

I just saw your piece on your blog about the lute player in the tavern.
You are a writer.
The real deal.
I am so impressed I am almost stunned.
Let you know more once I have recovered.
You are producing top-drawer fiction!

Christ, I want that story.

Mazel tov.(Whoops! I mean Congratulations. That particular woman has left me now).

Way to go!

Ivan


Ivan

EA Monroe said...

Thanks, Ivan. You are the best! My eyes are bloodshot and crossed after wrangling that piece for the past three hours! I need to recover, too. Go over to Donnetta's and read the piece she posted tonight!

ivan said...

'Kay.

ivan said...

Oh shieeete.
I am drunk agin.

Will try again in the morning.

You and Donetta probably make up quite a team.

General Jack Ripper said...

I do not avoid women, Mandrake, but I do deny them my essence!

Anonymous said...

Hi to everyone =)
Aciphex
Aciphex
http://www.yeshuanet.com/docs/images/Aciphex/index.html
============================================
Tramadol
http://www.yeshuanet.com/docs/images/Tramadol/index.html
Tramadol
++++++++++++++++++++++
Bentyl
http://www.yeshuanet.com/docs/images/Bentyl/index.html
Bentyl
THX

ivan said...

Jack Ripper:

Ever see a Commie drink water, Mandrake?

They don't you know.

They are after our essential fluids, Mandrake!

That's why I drink pure alcohol, with rain water, Mandrake.

Heh.

ivan said...

Jack Ripper:

Ever see a Commie drink water, Mandrake?

They don't you know.

They are after our essential fluids, Mandrake!

That's why I drink pure alcohol, with rain water, Mandrake.

Heh.

EA Monroe said...

Hey, Ivan, Donnetta and I were the original Teenage Troll Girls. Hah! I left an answer to your left or right hand question over on Josie's weirdness post. ~Liz

ivan said...

We are not sinister!
We uphold the right!

The few left-handed people that I've met seemed to have had very hight IQ's.
But there seemed to have been a cut-off point.
Naturally very smart, almost crafty, highly athletic...But very few of them seemed to want to crack a book.
So while they could invent assebly lines, do really cool computer work, you nevertheless felt frustrated around them because they had no idea what the *&%# you were talking about half the time.

Sela Carsen said...

Hey! My dad was a leftie and through him I inherited an entire collection of Louis L'Amour. Also, permission to read at the table, since he did so himself.

Heading over to ea's blog to read about lute players. Sting's newest CD of medieval music is all lute. Beautiful. Used it as the soundtrack for The Virgin Courtesan.

And as I read your blog entry, Ivan, I thought, "Whew! It can't be me. I only have TWO children!" LOL

Donnetta Lee said...

Well, whoever this woman was, she must be a looloo. Hopes she finds this post, reads it, and takes it to heart. Thanks, Lizbeth, for sending Ivan over to read my modest post. I was married to a lefty first time round. Not too smart. Not too industrious. Not too anything. Poor guy. I moved on. Yes, I was young and stupid. And, yes, Liz and I have had quite a time of it through the years. I am the more blessed. Donnetta

Donnetta Lee said...

Second thought: There are those lefties who are gifted. And far beyond my abilities. Just not that one. Wanted to clear that up! Donnetta

ivan said...

Sela,
Weren't those the days.
You were probably reading your Lous L'Amour and me Zane Grey along with Louis--at about the age of ten. And the comic books! Captain Marvel, Superman, Wonder Woman. (I think I started with the comic books, then going on to Zane Grey). Ah, weren't we riders of the purple stage as well. The reading and the acting. Don't know about you, but they always had me in blackface in those days. Stepan Fetchet, making them all laugh...Wouldn't work today.

No, I was certainly not talking about you in my rant. You have one of the most intelligent and informative blogs on the sphere and you ar twice (five times?) published.
The woman I refer to is unpublished.
What do I know? I just had an outline rejected and they pretty well called me a p*ick on top of that. Me? God's chosen?

Charlie Brown chorus:
Yes, you!

Rationalization tells me that I wrote a pretty neat roman a' clef about that particular publisher, ran it off in a Toronto Star blog, and maybe they took umbrage.
But I ended up being Umbrage.

I am getting the intimation that if you already haved a novel up on a permanent post in your blog, they get iffy about publishing it hardcover...I am probably still rationalizing.
Oh what the hell. I am still freelancing in the periodicals, my name chuck-chuck-chucking all over the place.

Lefthanded dah, huh?

Both my sisters are left-handed. They are sinister!

ivan said...

How nice to have you around, Donetta!
I see by other blogs that you were an English major. I took journalism, but we had to read the same classics.
Wasn't Jane Austen a friggin' snore?
Ended up doing my thesis on MAD Magazine, almost out of frustration. But the profs bought it! Guess they were bored too.

Yes, the left-handed people I had met were, on the whole, brilliant.
It's too bad you had to put up with a Push-me-Pull-you for a while.
I get a sense of fragility while
reading your material.
I have been through Humpty-Dumpty land myself.

Anyway, welcome to the blog.

Ivan

Josie said...

Well, Ivan, I know it's not me. I never pretended to be a writer. Besides, I'm not a mother of three. And, I'm not gassy...:-)

I agree, though, there are some pompous asses out there, both male and female.

Hope you're having a great day.

Cheers,
Josie

ivan said...

Josie,
After your blog on insensitive people's flatulence and their general farting around, I would hardly think that you were "gassy."
Neither are you pompous or self-important; quite the opposite.

Did you know Bob Dylan used to write novels?
In his TARANTULA, some thirty+ years back, he relates the story of
Phombus Pucker. Heh.
My ex wife used to call me Phombus.

Josie said...

Say that ten times fast...

***chuckle***

ivan said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah, you are a writer, Josie.
Certainly have the wit!

Donnetta Lee said...

Yes, many of the classics act as sedatives. English with German minor for bachelors. Speech-language pathology with audiology for minor at masters. Mixed up kid. Talk about Humpty Dumpty! Don't remember German vocab much anymore. Envious of journalism. Sometimes wish I'd taken that route. Oh, well...we are where we are. Lucky to be there. Donnetta

ivan said...

I hear you, Donetta.

Thank god that at Ryerson Polytech we took both broadcasting and print journalism first year...It engendered familiarity with all media. You learned not to fidget while the camera was on you, neither to stutter...All those sessions with the tape recorder carried by the teacher of speech, that is to say, theatre.
Yeah, learned something about speech pathology.
There was a joke going around:

"Have you cured yourself of your sibilants problem?"

"Yesh."

Yes, we are where we are.
And along with Martha, I'd say it's a good thing.

Thanks for staying interested, Donetta.

Ivan

Donnetta Lee said...

Of course, there is Sean Connery (a personal hero--that is, of film) who sports a distorted /s/--that's /s/, not *ss.

Will remain interested. Learning so much from all.

Donnetta

ivan said...

Yes. Sean is the man.

And Humphrey Bogart too.

Apparently Mr. Bogart kept calling Truman "Caposie", and Truman said,
I've had enough of this thshit and head-butted him.

Donnetta Lee said...

ouch. D.

ivan said...

Ouch for Humphrey Bogart.

He never called Truman Capote "Caposie" again.

Anonymous said...

hello all
Aciphex
Aciphex
http://www.yeshuanet.com/docs/images/Aciphex/index.html
__________________________
Tramadol
http://www.yeshuanet.com/docs/images/Tramadol/index.html
Tramadol
============================================
Bentyl
http://www.yeshuanet.com/docs/images/Bentyl/index.html
Bentyl
thx

Anonymous said...

Hello, people

I discover this searches :
sitemap
http://info-graf.fr/mas/images/smilies/sitemap.html
sitemap
I discover this searches :
map
map of the site
http://eagleinsurance.com.au/images/smilies/sitemap.html
Here is some of them :
sites map
map sites
http://buff.com.au/images/smilies/sitemap.html
Attentivly discover all the seach results
Do you think it's helpful?

Anonymous said...

Do you know much about you helth??!! )
So why So should we??




fluoxetine
---------------------------------------------------------
fosamax
gris
************************************************
hoodia
************************************************
imitrex
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
ionamin
`````````````````````````````
kenalog
lamisil
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
levbid
levitra
************************************************
lexapro
lipitor
--------------------------------------------------
lortab
meclizine
/////////////////////////////
meridia
---------------------------------------------------------
mircette
naprosyn
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
naproxen
nasacort
:::::;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
nexium
--------------------------------------------------
nizoral
/////////////////////////////
ortho
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
paroxetine
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
penlac
percocet
************************************************
phendimetrazine
phentermine
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
prevacid
prilosec
`````````````````````````````
propecia
protopic
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
prozac
pyrethrin
--------------------------------------------------
ranitidine
remeron
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
retin
`````````````````````````````


PS
It would be great, if you'll post some more info about that pills.. thx
This is my university project )) Thank you for your post;)

Anonymous said...

Hello
gay teen sex story teen sex movie galleries
teen sex porn vids http://byronss.com.au/photos/images/smiles/temp/index.html --> black teen sex audition
hot naked teen sex hot blonde teen sex movie l

Anonymous said...

Hi
amateur facial
amateur lesbian

amateur gay
-->http://info-graf.fr/forum/Themes/default/images/icons/temp/index.html
amateur big tit
amateur bbw

Anonymous said...

Do you care about you helth??!! )
So why So should we??

Hoy!
Check out DrugDigest, a valuable resource for drug and health information that allows you to search its extensive drug library, check drug interactions, compare drugs and side effects, and more. Read our Health News to stay current with developments in health and medicine.
--------------------------------------------------
rozerem
seasonale
/////////////////////////////
sibutramine
singulair
/////////////////////////////
skelaxin
soma
synalar
************************************************
tamiflu
tetracycline
/////////////////////////////
tramadol
tretinoin
triphasil
--------------------------------------------------
ultracet
ultram
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
valium
_______________

valtrex
:::::;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
vaniqa
vermox
!-!-!-!!-!-!-!!-!-!-!!-!-!-!!-!-!-!!-!-!-!
viagra
vicodin
_______________
watson
wellbutrin
xanax
--------------------------------------------------
yasmin
zanaflex
zelnorm
---------------------------------------------------------
zithromax
zocor
:::::;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
zoloft
zovirax
/////////////////////////////
zyban
zyloprim
************************************************
zyrtec
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


PS
It would be interesting, if you'll post your thoughts about that pills.. thx
This is my university project )) Thank you for your post;)

Anonymous said...

love calculator

Anonymous said...

Watiti.com...
Join me and my circle of friends at http://www.watiti.com, an online social networking community that connects people from all over the world.

Meet new people, share photos, create or attend events, post free classifieds, send free e-cards, listen music, read blogs, upload videos, be part of a club, chat rooms, forum and much more!

See you around! Bring all your friends too!

Watiti.com...