Sunday, January 14, 2007

What is the plural of Mongoose?

Sunday morning coming down.

I feel like B.O.S. this morning, you know, Bag Of (familiar Substance).

It probably has to do with those cans of high octane beer. The label is Mongoose, and it is made in Hamilton, ON, probably by incompetents. Who else but the city of Hamilton would boast, "Our product is people."
Well, you may be good people but you can't make beer worth squat. In fact, I am again pulling the loo chain.

If only this beer were as good as the picture on the can of that vicious weasel putting the death bite on a cobra.
"Drink enough of these and you'll soon be envying the snake," says one liquor guy in NOW Magazine.

I am envying the snake.

But then you don't see any cobras in my backyard either.
I have, I must confess, seen them. "And what did the cobras say?" you might ask.

A frustrated sports and nature writer, I would dearly love to describe and encounter between a mongoose and a cobra, the cobra towering over the mongoose, the mongoose feinting, dodging, bobbing, weaving..
The cobra, towering, standing on its tail, so much like bas-relief out of Ur or Egypt, like the Bush administration ready to invade Iraq, but the mongoose is faster, smarter, more assessive. It takes a nip, the cobra lunges.Misses. The mongoose makes anotherer feint. The cobra again lunges.
The mongoose has no natural defense. Only speed, agility, cunning.
Four misses and the cobra is wearying. The mongoose makes a feint for the head. Again the lunge from the cobra.
A few rounds like this and the cobra is wearying. It makes one more weak grab for the mongoose, but the mongoose has already bitten into the side of the cobra's head. The mongoose avoids frontal combat at all times.
Cobras don't bite. They chew. And chew again. With many, many fangs.
And soon the cobra is dispatched.

Well. I have dispatched my three magnums of Mongoose beer. Tastes like hops and honey with a can of antireeze thrown in.
But while you're drinking it, does it ever get you there. You want to take on that cobra. Bring 'em on!
You'd make it with a snake if it weren't for the game warden!
Go after a rockpile if you thought there was a frog underneath.

Ah, we redneck weasels!


EA Monroe said...

Ivan, reading your post I could picture you drinking your Mongoose beers. Were you the cobra or the Mongoose? Great post, by the way. Mongoose Beer should let you read this for one of their commercials. Hah!

Anonymous said...

Mongooses? How'd you know about mongooses?

Is this it?

ivan said...

I'd like to be the mongoose, but, I fear,
more like the cobra--with a punk haircut.
Some dinosaurs look like that. Ha.

ivan said...

Hey Aaron Braaten,
I see you say the mongoose is your favourite animal, over there on your blog,

Thanks for mentioning my blog.

--da Old Codger

Josie said...

Ivan, I can definitely see you as the mongoose. Anyway, you have to stop drinking that rot gut. Johnny Walker Black Label only...!


P.S. Did you know there is a dinosaur called Elvisosaurus because it has a pompador? I kid you not. One of the munchkins, an authority on dinosaurs, told me that.

ivan said...

Don't kids somehow have a natural understanding of dinosaurs? They seem to get it, straight off.
Wonder why that is. Dragons?
Monsters under the bed?...But they apprehend it all and soon know all about the various dinos.

Sorta tickled that you'd see me as the mongoose.

Yeah, I've got to switch my drinks, and though I love Black Label, I find that the hard stuff seems to take days to get out of my systeml. Beer is sort of a body drink,a body stone and not a head stone (heh).
But who knows what's in that Mongoose? Possibly made of Hamilton Bay water, and that's like snorkelling off New Jersey.
I must say I had a little Scotch last night and I feel infinitely better.
Ah, we corporals.
Can't drink bad beer like the privates!

ivan said...

p.s. to Josie:


JM said...

Puts me in mind of Old Crow, another dubious libation which, in sufficient quantity, allowed the consumer to take flight -- but briefly. One can float on whisky only so long before sinking.
All too soon though he's on a sleeping city sidewalk.
With Sunday morning coming down.

(The plural of mongoose, by the way, is "hangover")

ivan said...

Hey JM,
What a cool comment.
I thought at first it was JR, another correspondent, but after reading your comment, I thought, hey, this is the squib of a pro.
And you is!
Yeah, there were times in my life when I'd get out of the liquor store and head straight for the park!
Hitchhiking one day, I was picked up by, of all people, the inventor of the Canadarm satellite-grabber, and he said something that almost changed my life. "How can you be so irresponsible and still live?
"Alcoholism is not a disease, it's a state of mind.
"There were times when I'd drink up everytthing in the house.
"But it was just that, a state of mind."

Drink responsibly?
But then that sounds a bit like
LCBO porn.
Bon Jovi: "Sometimes I count the days by the bottles that I drink."

I would turn stone alky if I could write like Richie Sambora for Bon Jovi!


p.s.: I was feeling insecure, nothing published for a while, and went off on a vent about our really crappy transportation system, VIVA for the Era-Banner newspaper.
I know you have better things to do than to read Ivan's letters, but it came out just last Sunday in a pretty prominent spot.
I can just see the VIVA pr people giving me proper hell in, likely,
Thursday's paper coming up.

Josie said...

Ivan, this is taken from the website:

Cryolophosaurus is the first meat-eating dinosaur to be discovered on the frozen continent of Antarctica. Due to its resemblance to Elvis Presley's pompadour haircut in the 1950s, this dinosaur was quickly nicknamed the Elvisaurus. The crest is too fragile to be used in combat, so it was probably used in mating displays.

Oops, I got the name wrong. Interesting, though, hey?

I learn a lot from the Munchkins.


ivan said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

As the munchkins might say,

ivan said...

Did you get your new computer?
Really spiffy italics from your research.
Liz showed me how to do italics one day, and it worked for emails,
but they did not translate onto blog space.

EA Monroe said...

Ivan, I figured out you have to type the "I" in all caps. So, far it's been working in the comments. I still haven't figured out how to do links to websites in the comments though.

I loved JM's comment.

ivan said...

Thanks, Liz,
Yeah, JM.
He's got more class than a shoal of dolphins.

Josie said...

Ivan and Liz, no, I did that post from my computer at work.

I have to buy a new washing machine before I can get a new computer.


ivan said...

Me, when I go to get a washer, I go to Scratch and Dent's.
But I've seen pictures of your spledid adobe, and I guess you wouldn't want to do that.
Oh Freak! My credit card statment just came in.
I am Mad Max. LOL.

Josie said...

Ivan, you're too much. :-)


ivan said...

Did I say spledid adobe when I meant splendid abode.
Splendid adobe is more like New Mexico, where I'm sure you don't live.

Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Printings?

Motto of one part of my family:
"Give it to us, we'll screw it up!"

Woody Allen, checking over his job classification, "Fool.":

Hey Mrs. Allen, you son's a fool!"

Josie said...


ivan said...

Your blog just up on women's underthings.

Women's underthings.
Cotton panties vs. soft lace.
What is the world coming to?

I am outraged.

I'm calling Jeannie Beker!

Charles Gramlich said...

Soylent Beer?

EA Monroe said...

Hanes Her Way, Ivan. Hah!

Josie said...

Ivan, you didn't answer my question....


EA Monroe said...

Yeah, Ivan. The girls want to know.

Josie, maybe that's why Ivan likes Britney?

ivan said...

I am the mongoose.

Bebido Mongoosus ergo sum mongoosus.


Watch it with the lingerie!

ivan said...

All right, all right Josie and Liz,a man's gotta fess up.

I wear boxers with a monogram of Sponge Bob Squarepants on them.
I have the picture somewhere, but I'm too hungover this morning to archive...It's in my archives and as soon as I sober up, I'll find the picture.
I wear boxers for the same reason I can't wear Bermuda shorts. Heh...Boast, brag.
The front part has this huge heart

ivan said...

Here I am a retired Eglish teacher and I can't for the life of me remember what a dipthong is.
Sounds kinda exciting.

I think Josie would be kinda sweet in John L. undies, though.

ivan said...

Soylent beer indeed.
But there is not a single, cowering plankton left in Hamilton
Ontario bay water. Where do they get the plankton for to make the beer?
Watch out for plankton poachers out there in the Louisiana bayous.

I once tried to have sex with a plankton.

They are choosy!

Anonymous said...

Hi ;)
oh... what mad comments!
what do you think about it?