Saturday, February 03, 2007

When passion turns you into a stupid child

Getting correspondence from Ms. Donnetta Lee of late.

Two things twig.

The unreality of the world.

The unreality of love.

Corollary: The spookiness of our universe.

I am moved, for some reason to reprinting an old blog of mine, when I was still crazy and half in love.

So here we go with an exploration of passion at leas how it migh apply to literarture.

Recently, on the internet, lady genre writers have been excited over expressing passion in a character, perhaps so much passion that it may overshadow the plot.
Don't know about my own writing. I've certainly been described as an actual character on many occasions. But when it comes to my own characters, there is passion aplenty.
And there are times when emotions are so powerfully felt, they must be put in the shape of a poem, for here is where you can express these emotions.
Something I published quite some time ago in a Town of Newmarket promotional magazine (I knew the editor personally, a lady):



Love Poem

He saw the teardrop on the rose
And again, he saw the teardrop on a rose
And he knew he could never melt the teardrop
And he knew this was already the end.

So he kissed he face of the evening wife
As he had kissed it before, in all its vaying forms
And again said hello to the precipice of silence
A precipice of silence
For his eighteen months of loving

The Queen of Swords is crossed over
And all the king's horses and all the king's men
Are trying to get her together again
like me
To no avail

Gigolo and Gigolet
This side of the lake of mutilation
Strike a match
And the hotel burns

There is only
this path of silence
As we dump our gods
And become like them

--Ivan

And here is the experience that gave rise to the poem, though I fear the writer, at the time was more jejune than talented:

YUPPIES THREW ME OUT

Life lays down strange ashpalt for men to tread on in the dark and I have just left Yuppie City.
She was gorgeous, but she was expensive, the other guy had more and so defeat has left me divided, anger was very much in my taste and I contained within myself all the bitter exhaustions of a 47-year-old man while maintaining the cockiness of a bright boy:

Yuppies threw me out.

I was on the edges of what first seemed a literary circle, new friends high on Jung and something mysterious late at night that I was not quite privy to until I met the one I loved, heretofore a clearspoken and articulate girl rolling her O's like an idiot and really strung out on wgat nust surely have been heroin.
.
Life lays downs strange asphalt and who knows whoat people do in Hell, especially when the other man was driving a new BMW, mustachioed Italian, his Newsboy hat on, tweed jacket with elbow patches, the pimp outfit, and you were still stuck in second gear.This was all so far ahead of you, they and their hiss of long cigarette lighters, the spoons, the garbled talk, as if they were driving a bottlemobile.

There is an old B movie abut voguish modern people who were allowed to party all the days of their lives, it seemed, till you realized that down below, there was a vicious mutant ant colony that would snare the revelers, one by one and stick them into a cocoon for later, casual devourment.
Yes, they were all down there south of Finch Avenue where the grass was dream grass and women would come and call themselves lonely.

How does it come to a man just hitting his prime, at the top of his professional form, in the middle of his success to be snared on a path that must surely be evil and only the strength of the mad can save him as the Chickletty
smell of crack is high upstairs and the one you love in the clutches of a beast?

The middle class can sometimes be a class of bozos.
They always seek definitions, rathere than seeing things for what they actually are. They try to define pornography, for instance, withouth realizing its palpable effect on them and other people; they toy with concepts of personal freedom without realizing that outright pimps snare beautiful women ever day, even from the apartments where they live. It's not all heaven in those gated communities, but more like like wiveswaping and uppermiddleclass peeping tomism while while the beat goes on and the roses fade.

An old Russian proverb says untruth did not begin with us, nor will it end with us, nor will it end with us; praying kneads no dough.
I had no dough, prayed often, and Yuppies threw me out.
Can it be, can it just be that money is all there is, that people will prostitute themselves for it, live in hell for it and worhip is as the newly rich do, even unto the gates of organized crime? For that is the sinister "safety net": At the bottom of the drinking the sex and the drungs and the open marriages are the Masters who make the rules for the wise men and the fools in a lower branch of Yuppiedom, the unholy collusion of Big Business, Big Government and organized crime.
It was an expensive education for an aging don still high on literature, a onetime luminary at the college, but now known by all to have gone more than a little to seed, especially by the company he was keeping.

First came the unofficial literary circle, then the intruduction to an "open marriage" (a strange concept to me in those times, even though everybody seemed to be doing it), and then the inevitable jealousy, the pain and the final revulsion.
What a shitty documentary I was in.
Nevertheless, it was the Yuppies who threw me out.

At first I resisted. One-on-one relationships were less complicated, the only ones that would work in the end.

After the first contact, I stayed away-- chaste fiance' , hah-- dated no one. I wanted my love all to myself, not ad hoc, not in some strange daisy chain on the edges of Hell.

Until the frightening realization came to me that evil was just as much in me as in them and that I was beginning to love this woman very much and would almost gladly go to the ends of hell for her.
And she had told me that I was not the only one "in love."

A half-fucked fox in the middle of a forest fire.

She bought me a toaster one day and I did not understand.
She paid my rent one day and I did not understand.
She said she wanted "out" and I did not understand.
And now the Beast is with her and I finally understand.

I did not have the guts or the intelligence, dumb prof, to go through the depth of Hades to rescue her and now must go through another hell of considering how weak I had been, how bad my timing had been. I was no better than those phonies at the literary circle, that collection of poseurs and wife-swappers and the fault was all mine.

She passed my door on night sobbing.
She had been beaten up and was high on blow.
I raced out the door to be with her, but she was gone in her bright grey BMW.
Even in the world of l988, demons, witches and warlocks still inhabited the landscape.
She had not been crying for me, but for her demon lover, of whom I somehow was now a part.
I stood there high on German exhaust, considering a badly remembered poem.

I had a mother and a father
Who I knew were mine.
I had perfect eyesight,
so I could see the imperfections of nature.
I had wisdom
that lay like an asp
at the bottom of the well

And when the unworthy plrince came
I turned
and in all my beaty
Rejected him.

I stood there in the rain like some old Hemingway and realized that the asp in the bottom of the well was a guy richer, smarter and sexier than I was.
I couldn't bllame Yuppies. I couldn't blame the drugs. I couldn't blame orgaznized crime.
I could only blame myself, for I needn't have gone downtown for my answer.
I only needed to stay in Newmarket and pray in the rain.


How adolescent we become when we fall in live at 47.

What embarrassing screeds we produce.

...But it sure make you want to play your guitar.

10 comments:

H.E.Eigler said...

Hi Ivan,

Yes, love does turn us into children. Why do you think this is? Maybe because love is the earliest emotion we feel (aside from physical discomforts like hunger)

And when we are children, it all seems black and white. Happy or Sad. Up or down. Love or ......

ivan said...

Hi Heather,

My old prof used to say Love is the other side of hate.

It was Dr. Eric S. Wright. I think he knew a couple of things.
He produced a detective novel,
"The Night the Gods Smiled." (Collins) A good read.

Josie said...

Hate is not the other side of love. Indifference is the other side of love. As long as you can go through life still feeling passion - for anything - you are the winner.

I once dated a guy (in 1983) just because he had a Mercedes. How shallow is that? And you know, I don't even particularly like cars or wealth. It bores me.

There's nothing sadder than unrequited love.

Josie

ivan said...

Ah well.
Eric had just gone through a divorce when he mounted the lecture stand.

ivan said...

p.s. to Josie,

When I phoned the old prof about my own divorce, he said,
"Set yourself up so you can write."

EA Monroe said...

Ivan, I love the Documentary of your Life. I haven't loved hard enough or risked life enough. I'm missing out. Oh, well. I'm off to write a song to Solomon.

ivan said...

Ah, sweet Elizabeth.

I don't know about taking risks.

Look at poor Anna Karenina.

She was really into commuter trains!

...If it's the same Song of Solomon that I am thinking of, I recall the passage as being beautiful.

Donnetta Lee said...

Ivan: Yes, those experiences can make us want to play that guitar, write that poem, sing that song, say that prayer. Pain of love lost or longed for can sometimes turn us into our creative selves. We morph. I think indifference is harder than love or hate. It "signifies nothing." What can be worse than that? Whew! Waxing philoso--fickle. What an excursion you have made. Donnetta

ivan said...

Thanks, Donnetta.

Ivan

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