Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Dashing Pierre, head pilot of the Lafayette Escadrille

Forcibly extracted from Canadian taxpayers are the French TV channels--we get at least two, often three of them on our cable. We have to. We are bilingual.

I innocently switch over from Canadian Idol to PBS and what do I get in between?

People are snogging!

I got back one channel.

People are still snogging!

Back another. Oh my god!

Not for nothing are we called bilingual!

I am not saying that all French television is porn--I mean, they really try, comedy for instance, where a fat man wears a woman's wig and they all split their sides--as if all this hadn't already been done on SNL.

The news programs are a real charm: Flashes of unrelated footage, while the announcer is saying something else, news from the Benelux countries, endless news of Quebec from and Ontario-based channel.

I pay a hundred million dollars a year for this.

They have taken survey of our TFO, the Ontario French channel and they have found, in the course of a given day, an audience of one. That's right, one viewer and she is taking French at night.

Don't get me wrong. I love the French and they have certainly loved me.

But it's the haphazard programming. And eight minutes into the programming, somebody will surely get laid.

There is no censorship, no political correctness. The producers can do what they want, and we pay them for it...And then a whack of ads in French, taken from the English version.

I don't mind shovelling out the tax money for this tripe, but come on folks, let's have a litttle cohesion, a little story line. I do speak some French, but the snapped continuity and idiotic cutaways at the wrong times is starting to drive me bonkers.

They're doing it again!

Hands in each other's laps.

Hands in each others' .....

Omigod, he's pouring cognac all over her!

Ah. Bilingualism.

I am finally getting it.

(Probably because I'm not getting it. Heh).

Vive la France!

When Dashing Pierrre of the Lafayette Escadrille goes down, he goes down in flames!


Josie said...

Ivan, good for you. Tell it like it is. We're stuck with a bunch of French channels as well, and no one can watch them because they're either really boring (really bad humor) or they're porn. What gives? Freddie was in French immersion classes, and is starting them again, but there's no way I would let him watch the French channels.

Islandgrovepress said...

Don't blame you, Josie.

There are some good French-Canadian screenwriters, but they seem to play elsewhere.

One night, recently, I watched eight-count 'em-eight hours of straight promo ads on TVO; no programming at all. Just TVO promoting programs that nobody watches in the first place.


islandgrovepress said...


That should read TFO, though TVO is it's parent, and lately it's been making the same dreadful mistakes in English...When all else fails--foreign content.
Have we no writers in Canada?


JR's Thumbprints said...

I knew I should've gotten a satellite dish. I need to learn another language, and I thought what the hell, might as well be mildly entertaining also.

islandgrovepress said...

A lot of Canadians are giving up cable and going satellite. Too much crud on cable.


http://www.creativewritng. said...


I enjoyed your blog today, BELT-TIGTENING l01.
Revealing to see that Michigan is just as wasteful and mandarin-ridden as Ontario.
We are told to save power while power CEO's get three million a year in salaries.
We have a hugh lottery scandal here,where the lottery regulator is the Ontario Gaming Commission.
Seems everygody's got a hand in the till.
Always us poor working dweebs who have to pay for everything.

Donsie said...

This sounds like very interresting TV... We do not have that on our "cable" or free TV. By the way, I don't think you need to understand frensh to understand that channels.

islandgrovepess said...

Hi Donsie,

No, you don't have to know French.

You can turn the sound down all the way on that channel and see healthy, good-looking people
doing what comes naturally.
Hm. Maybe I'm knocking it too much.
Vive la France!

Maybe I've been hanging with commies too much.
"Never mind that bourgeois plot line.
Let's snog!"

No question that I don't get out enough!