Sunday, April 01, 2007

The Lost Newfie Award







My intention had been to offer an award to a lady blogger whom I considered a fine writer.
I can offer awards, as I have a publishing company in my back pocket, and I sometimes publish authors who I feel need more exposure.

The roads to hell, of course, are paved with good intentions.

In the first place, I had to design an award.

In the second place, I didn't know how to do it.


Graphics are not my strong suit and I'm farily new to computers.

I went to my raddled techie whom I'd only just enlisted to put up a permanent post for an Honrary Oklahoman award somebody gave me.

The permanent post for the Oklahoma "award" had been a finicky and time consuming job. I had been frustrating this self-same techie for some time. "I don't want to take on any more of these jobs. Too much fiddling and I am busy all over the world. Take a course!"

Which left me wide-open. All I can do is type!

So I enlist a web friend to help with the design of the award avatar I had in mind.

We had intended, tongue somewhat in cheek, to call the prize "The Lost Newfie Award."

It wouldn't be the face of a Newfie-- or Newfoundlander. It would be the face of a Newfoundland dog. Our intention was not to ridicule. We just wanted to put up a picture of a Labrador Retriever dog, Labrador being a part of Newfoundland. Labs--or "Newfies" are a very popular breed of dog.
Well, bigod, my publishing company was something of a writing laboratory for other writers. Yes, a writing laboratory for all the aspiring authors I'd published--a Writing Lab. Heh.
And what better symbol for a Writing Lab than an actual Lab or Newfoundland dog? I thought it was a cute idea.

So the avatare would go: WRITING LAB
LOST NEWFIE AWARD


Picture of Lab dog here


FOR BEST EXAMPLE OF
"KITCHEN SINK REALISM"
IN WRITING


Well, there was trouble from the start.

My techie, who probably didn't like the idea in the first place, bailed out.

I went to one of my contributors and asked if she could help design and set up the avatar.

She did so, and sent me an example, which I immediately lifted and actually displayed on my blog along with my lady-designer's picture.

The result was disastrous. "No, no, no," the lady had insisted. "Take it down!"

She had just been irritated by a fake award some spammer was sending around as an advertising gimmick; she was not finished with the logo and did not want to be seen displaying a work half-done. "Yours is a real publishing company. We have to show this fake award-awarder how the game is really played. We have to do a good job on this."

Well, we are now awaiting the finished product, which we now have renamed "The Shaggy Dog Award", since
Newfoundlander's may have been a bit miffed at something called the Lost Newfie Award.

We are awaiting completion of our Island Grove Press "Shaggy Dog Award"--for best humor writing.

Hey folks, all I wanted to do was good. I wanted to reward one or two of my finest contributors to Island Grove Press.

Yet for some reason, I seem to be on a road to hell.

--Ivan

78 comments:

Josie said...

;-)

islandgrovepress said...

Josie,

Oh you sweetie, you!
I know you are a painter and a good one.

Painters offer comments that are non-vebal--different media.

Th'nks.

Ivan

EA Monroe said...

Ivan, I can't believe Josie is deserting us! I left her a comment over on her blog.

Oh well, I am sure JR's "students" will do her proud!!

islandgrovepress said...

Liz,

Yeah, Josie's sort of the "mother-figure" around here.

I was stunned.

Will float over to look for your comment on Josie's "last blog".

Here I was, lifting JR's photos--and now he wants to "lift" Josie's blog.

Felony!



Ivan

Josie said...

I am hoping things will sort themselves our, everyone will be happy, and I don't have to go away. I would certainly miss you guys.

To be continued....

I am off to huy some new shoes.

Josie

Josie said...

I meant to say "out".

Josie said...

I also meant to say "buy".

I'd better quit while I'm ahead.

I told Freddie yesterday the most fun he can ever have is to learn to laugh at himself. I'd better take my own advice.

islandgrovepress said...

Ohfergod'sake.

April Fool!

You got us all, Josie.

Ivan

theshadowlands said...

Maybe new shoes will put Josie back in the blogging mood! ~Liz

islandgrovepress said...

Sez she couldn't find any--after all that sturm und drang!

Ivan

Islandgrovepress said...

Liz,

Shadowlands, huh?

You ain't no genre writer.

You a real writer.

(Whoops, I'm going to get a whole whack of red-eed Spinetinger Magazine readers on my case!)...

Oh maybe not. They're off on a Harlequin.

Ivan

Donnetta Lee said...

Well, the best laid plans...

All I had to do was spend 2 days at Mama's and got home and Blogworld is on tilt!

IF Josie is serious, I will miss her, but sure wish her well.

Ivan, you couldn't do anything BAD! Certainly, not intentionally.

Liz, Mama misses you. She turns 77 on Monday.

I'm pooped. That's quite a drive back to OKC. At least the sun was out.

Take care. Donnetta

Islandgrovepress said...

Hi Donnetta,

"Surf's up", but you're all in.

Have a toddy.


Ivan

Anonymous said...

Hey, Ivan, it's me, Josie. I deleted my blog, but I will start another one. I'll just have to go deep underground so my daughter can't find me. You know, she doesn't take any interest in my life, but she spent an awful lot of time reading my blog. I know she thinks I'm a total idiot. She tends to sneer at me and look down her nose at me, and that's why I don't want her ready my blog. It's not that I have anything to hide...!

Sigh.

Stay tuned.

Islandgrovepress said...

Josie,

The mother-daughter thing.

It came up in my own family.
Also the father-son thing.

Let us say the mother was prettier, more sophisticated, more accomplished than the daughter, who was something of a rebel, a hippie and a potty-mouth.
The mother loved the daughter and would shower her with emoluments--say it on!--money. The mother was a businesswoman who didn't have much time for the daughter, but the new car, the boarded horse at university and the perks always came and the daughter took full advantage.
The only way the mother could show her love, busy person as she was was to shower the daughter with money.
But it was a kind of guilt-edged giving, the mother causing the daughter to feel somehow guilty.
In fact, the mother did play some guilt games. Daughter would come in a two a.m. and would always hear mother flushing the toilet, the door slightly ajar. The unstated message: "You were out too late and lord knows what your were doing."
All in all the mother and daughter didn't like each other very much, though, naturally, there was love.

Is it possible that you and your daughter have some kind of competition thing going? Guilt trips?
Ah, family dynamics.

In my own case I always held my father to be a fool, the way he slurped his borscht, the John L. undies, the European accent.

But that "fool" ended up with four houses and close to a million.
I ended up with a pile of manuscripts, and going to him for money when things got tight.
Fact is, I did as well as my father by 34, but saw it all fritter away as I tried to be a serious writer at that age and making no headway at all. I drained the old nest egg. Prodigal son syndrome. Had to go to him for money.
Now who was the fool?
I sincerely wish I had had the success I would later have when he was still alive.
But was there competition?
The European son was always, for some reason, called a bum, no matter what his accomplishments.
Real wealth was real estate and my father learned that early though the Depression.
I learned how to use credit cards.

On balance, the last generation was better than the present.

We do so love our parents, but we drain them, emotionally and financially. This seems the way of the current generation.
Ah well.

Bah Bah Blacksheep, have you any wool?
Certainly the case over here with old Baah-sil.

Ivan

Anonymous said...

Ivan, in my case the daughter is smarter (Master's degree) prettier, wealthier, etc., etc., and I am the dumb one. I think she sneers at me a bit, that's why I don't want her to read my blog. Just one more opportunity to turn her nose up, sadly. I don't know how we got to be this way. It makes me very sad.

Oh, well.

Josie

Islandgrovepress said...

Well, I've been having some conundrums over here.
Actually, one sits over a glass with the full moon out and begins making mountains out of molehills.
Thank God I have learned not to phone anybody in a state like this.

These things will pass.
Probably by next week, when you have found a way and can go on with a new blog where your daughter doesn't act as your personal censor. Hell, you can post something over here.

Eastern European families are different.

In any mother-daughter conflict, the mother would find a good willow stick and that would be the end of it. In my family, violence was golden. Hah.
Possibly, in Liz's or Donettas family too.

It might just be the full moon today. I am experiencing severe nerve storms and only Mongoose beer seems to be able to kill the cobra. Heh.

Ivan

Islandgrovepress said...

ps to Josie,

I don't know if we're going to use
"The Lost Newfie Award", but it strikes me that a lighter shade of blue around the Lab dog would work fine--or a light shade of yellow?

I do have a fondness for that picture of the Shaggy Newfoundland dog though. Looks like a Newfie Yeti!

Anybody else have ideas from the avatars we're working on?

Ivan

Islandgrovepress said...

Whimsy on a full moon.

Josie,

How about a Newfie Yeti award?

Heh.

Islandgrovepress said...

ps to Josie,

I don't know if we're going to use
"The Lost Newfie Award", but it strikes me that a lighter shade of blue around the Lab dog would work fine--or a light shade of yellow?

I do have a fondness for that picture of the Shaggy Newfoundland dog though. Looks like a Newfie Yeti!

Anybody else have ideas from the avatars we're working on?

Ivan

Islandgrovepress said...

How about a "Newfoundland Yeti Award", the shaggy Newfie picture with a caption underneath,

"WE DON'T THINK YOU'RE SO ABOMINABLE.

...Yeah, I know. I don't get out enough.

Ivan

eamonroe said...

Ivan, I hope you survive the full moon!

Josie: My son does the same thing to me! We might have to go deep underground, become the Morlock Legion or something! Hah.

I hope you get your blog back!

Ivan & Josie: My husband calls us "The Rat Pack!"

Anonymous said...

Hi Liz,

We are indeed something of the Rat Pack. I have been having some weird dreams on this full moon.
Maybe not King Rat, but Rat Queen?
Certainly the Red Queen, running like hell trying to stay in one place.
I gotta start getting out!

Yeha, Morlocks.

I have read somewhere that H.G. Wells Study of History was written by some woman in Mt. Albert, Ontario. The manuscript was rejected but H.G. Wells stole a copy of it for his Study of History.
Lot of fire to that old rumor.

You mean my hero, writer of "War of Worlds" was a plagiarist, copying the work of some little old lady in Mount Albert, Ontario, Canada? The mind boggles.

Anyway, on this full moon, one is like bull in china shop. I go to wash down my apartment walls nd my pants fall completely off with the stretch...Then I step into the bucket.
I know my enemies really want me to kick the bucket, but stepping into it?
Full moon fever.

I know Josie will finf a way to a new blog.

Cheers,

Ivan

Anonymous said...

I'll bet no one has a blog called "The Morlock Legion". Aha!

What a great idea!

Josie

islandgrovepress said...

O Flock!

I am fighting with the Morlock Legion of Newmarket to get at the clothes dryer in the laundry room

Laundry Room Wars!

Unhand my shorts, blue-tinter!

This is a day when everybody seems to be telling me to flock- off.

And Nelly Furtado took full control of our rock'n'rolle Juno awards here. "I'm Like a Bird".

Ah well, at least Nellie is from Vancouver!

Ivan

Josie said...

Ivan, I think I'm back in business, at least until I have to hide again. Click on this link and see if it will direct you to my blog.

Also, I have had trouble posting here.

Josie

Josie said...

Just trying to see if I can post now.

Deep sigh.

islandgrovepress said...

JOSIE'S BACK.

WOO-HOO!


...Now if we can get through that Beta and get in to comment!

I am going to try right now!

Ivan

Donnetta Lee said...

Hi, guys. Mothers and daughters, huh? I guess I was more or less a mother to my mother in many ways. Took care of her a lot. But he worked hard to put me through college--yep, even the master's degree and almost a second one. We grew to be more like sisters and we have such a great time together. I know her time now is limited and it will break my heart when I lose her. But she tells me she will come back and "scare the shit" out of me as a ghost! I look forward to that! Donnetta

Anonymous said...

CAN'T GET THROUGH TO COMMENT ON YOUR NEW BLOG, JOSIE.

...TRIED EVERY WAY BUT LOOSE...COME TO THINK OF IT, I HAVE TROUBLE COMMENTING BETA ON MY OWN BLOG.


Ivan

Josie said...

Ivan, I can't post on your blog either, unless I am signed in first. Something's fishy.

Try signing in first and then commencing. In the meantime, I will check my settings.

Josie said...

Ivan, Liz was just able to post on mine, and so was I.

Hmmmm....

What's going on with your settings? We can't start the party without you!

EAMonroe said...

Hey all. Josie, I was able to comment on your blog. Earlier I noticed the blogger server was down and even earlier I couldn't post on my blog either until I did "Other." Maybe things are fixed now.

I updated your link. Now you are at the top of the list! ~Liz

Hi, Ivan!!

Josie said...

Ivan, whatever is going wrong, you have to get it fixed. It wouldn't be the same without you.

Liz, make him fix it.

Josie

Donnetta Lee said...

Well, I just tried to find Josie several times with no success. Okay, I'll go try again. When I leave comments for anybody, I have to sign in first. I thought everybody did!
Donnetta

Donnetta Lee said...

Okay. I finally found her and was able to leave a comment. I doubt it made much sense though as I am really tired! Tomorrow I will do better!
Donnetta

islandgrovepress said...

Okay.

I finally got through...without signing in...Horse's asses told me my browser was functionally disabled.
BS! My brain is not disabled.

Or is it?

I don't know how I did it, but I got through to comment on Josie's blog...finally.

Ivan

islandgroverpress said...

OK.

Before I hit International Drinking time, can anybody now get through to Island Grove here?

I finally got through to comment on Josie's new blog.

Did it by preview first, then publish.

Ivan

Anonymous said...

Together again"...Who sang that?


JR: Sticks and stones may break my bones
But whips and chains excite me!

Ivan

JR's Thumbprints said...

Ivan,
Your "Writing Lab" looks more like a "Writing Bear," which in turn means your award should be for the best writing of someone writing bare (perhaps inclusion of a hot tub photo?). Unfortunately, this poses a problem, especially if you exclude the male population in preference of the female population. You may want to rethink this whole thing once again, unless of course, you're trying to increase the amount of traffic to Island Grove Press. If so, you could always get Hooters restaurants to advertise and offer your participants money.

islandgrovepress said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!


Ivan

islandgrovepress said...

OK.

I'm going to the stand-up bar now.

Chimo!

Josie said...

Seeeee? I told ya not to put that thing up!

My goodness!

Still working on the "real" one.

islandgrovepress said...

If I know award-hungry JR, he's already stolen the prototype.

Ivan

Donsie said...

Hey Ivan! Good post, keep them coming!!! you gave me a good laugh, thank you.

islandgrovepress said...

Donsie,

Out of South Africa!

We are getting a real international clientele here. Australia, South Africa, both Americas, Japan, Korea,Russia, Canada--and some lonely teacher in Puerto Rico.
I am practising both my Spanish and my Afrikaans, but when it comes to the Orient, I am lost.
Maybe Danny Tagalog can help.

Glad you enjoned the piece.

Ivan

EAMonroe said...

Josie: Well, I thought Ivan fixed it! I thought for sure the whips and chains would work!

islandgrovepress said...

Josie said she fixed it.

But the second day of the full moon has me hanging on the corner that has been knocked off.
Ivan is whacked.
Tried to hit Sienna's (Pam's) post.

Frusttrated by Blogger. Only took l3 tries to get through.
Stoned agin'.

But hope Josie will now send the finished sample.

Ivan

islandgrovepress said...

That should read, "drunk again."

Whips and chains of outrageous moonlight and forecasts of snow.
Snow?
In April?
OK Caledonia Indians.

You can have this country back!


Ivan

Josie said...

Ivan, I'll send the finished sample, but it will take a couple of days. All in good time, my friend, all in good time :-)

Josie

Sienna said...

Oh, so glad to hear other (more experienced) people are having difficulties in cyberspace...I don't quite feel the fool now.

Ivan, got a couple of your books, they look so great, you have created a gem of work...love it. Thanks very much. Larry Woodcock's Newmarket sketch, that looks such a pretty city, did he do the sketch specifically for your book?

Pam

Donnetta Lee said...

Next day: Looks like everybody is connecting now. Thank goodness...Yes, this is quite the international group. I may have to learn another language. Oh, Pig Latin was rough enough for me! Hope everyone is well today.
Donnetta

islandgrovepress said...

Pam,

Newmarket is a very pretty town. Very New England. Millpond, with ducks quacking for the road, graceful churches, lovely old Main Street Neo-Gothic architecture.

Unfortunately, the developers have gotten hold of it. The town is now ringed by subdivisions and new roads, with this 19th century gem stuck in the middle.
The developers have ruined Newmarket. Too many people in too somall a space, with a population well over 100,000 from about 20,000
thirty years before.

Re the cover of "Light Over Newmarket". Yes, I did commission Larry Woodcock to do the town "rotogravure" picture. It is actually raised printing. We used the gravure to send to book reviewers in the Globe and Mail and the Newmarket Era-Banner out this way.
We were successful in eliciting good reviews.

Larry is extremely eccentric, even more eccentric than yours truly, if that is possible.
He has a habit of getting work commissioned and then running off with the money. I gave him the job and followed him like a hawk.
He was flat broke at the time, I was following him around with a wadful of money just to get the incentive up, and voila! a very good book cover by Larry. The total design was my idea, and Larry seemed to follow it, applying his great skill.

I saw Larry on the street yesterday. He as in a depressive phase. He had an explanation for me: "F-off, Ivan."
Well, that's Larry.

I have mailed the books in packets of two--three separate mailings.

In the very last packet, I have included my Black Icon, unfortunately coverless, as I had mangled the book to set it up on line. The Black Icon was my first novel. I sent it just as someting you might find of interest, a WWII immigrant experience, a lot like Bosnia.

Cheers,

Ivan

islandgrovepress said...

Josie,
Haste belongs to the devil, I say.
If it needs more time, then so be it.
Through Sienna--Pam--I just received a highlighted picture of the really shaggy dog to the right of the kennel picture we had intended to use for our avatar. The dog, whose name is Emma, is beautiful!
Pam thinks we're on the right track. I have forwarded you the pictures from Blue Heaven Kennels.

I guess we'll wait now, but I think we have twigged onto something, both in blog material and artwork.

Cheers,

Ivan

islandgrovepress said...

Donnetta,

We're everywhere. We're everywhere!

I have had two drinks, and I'm convinced the world situation has become international!

Ivan

islandgrovepress said...

Josie,

After receiving Pam's beautifully treated photo of Emma, the gorgeous Newfie Lab, I am tempted on this beer jag that I am on, to make one of the awards, "The Endearing Newfie Award".

Anyway just a fleeting and bilious thought.

Ivan

Josie said...

Ivan, it's so ridiculous, it's almost tempting to leave the award just as it is. The dog looks sort of lame, with his tongue hanging out. Anyway, the award is in the works. (It's hard work...!)

Josie

islandgrovepress said...

Josie,

You've indicated in an e-note that you like Pam's enhancement of another Lab picture. We can try that instead of the slightly pathetic little Lab?

Omigod. I am smashed.

Good thing you guys are a good team.

Ivan

Donsie said...

I surf the net to other countries in the world and sometimes I think people underestimate South Africa. And if I like a blog I keep on coming back to it.
Well done Ivan!!

islandgrovepress said...

Donsie,

I am picking up som Australian.

You are "fair dinkum".

Ivan

islandgrovepress said...

Josie,

The award.

Try this:
The effed-up little dog we had originally, with a light yellow background, with a beige or red box around it, as in Liz's award.
My English teacher, just before he
tried to riff me, said, "First thoughts might be best."
I told him I respected him for his ideas, anyway.
Hey, I'm not a painting master!
I draw stick men, and huge bolts chasing nuts.
Dr. Freud would have a field day with me.

Ivan

Donnetta Lee said...

Yes, Ivan, the world situation has become an international one at that! Just two drinky-poos?

Can't wait to see how the award comes along.

Will check back in on ya in a bit. Sounds like you're doing a lot of hard work!

Donnetta

islandgrovepress said...

Donnetta,
Well, I'm certainly doing a lot of drinking on this frigid full moon.

Anything that'll get you through the night, I suppose.

Firewater taste good. Must have more firewater!

Can't trust Computer Brain.

Must trust Tiny Brain, the one with the little Snoopy pilot hat and goggles.
It says, "Stop it. You're mucking with the mahinery!"

Ivan

Donnetta Lee said...

I understand. Just make sure Snoopy has his seat belt on.
Donnetta

islandgrovepress said...

The Red Baron.

The Red Baron!

I've got Rheinmetal-Borsig machine gun rounds all over my wing!

Curse you, Red Baron!

Ivan

Josie said...

I see the party's at Ivan's again tonight. Are you drinking some of that good stuff, Ivan? Save some for me. I have had a very frustrating week at work, and I don't feel like being in front of a computer, just for a few hours. I have four days off coming up. All of my friends are retired and have "financial advisors" and take trips to Puerto Vallarta and Europe. I'm lucky if I make it to Bellingham. Do you ever wonder how people start out in life on the same path, going to the same school, living in the same town, but some folks are truly blessed and others sort of get shat on?

(I said shat, not sat...)

Must be the full moon.

islandgrovepress said...

Josie,

Everything is pretty well effe-up over here as well.

You know that psycho bus driver I was telling you about, demanding to see my transfer three times, then still not getting the time right (in her own head)?

I finally had enough, asked her if she was going for the short hair count and culture derby next, and told her "it's not my fault if you are dyslexic, it your problem, not mine."
Whoops! I do believe she really had the condition.

Well, she said you can just get off this bus right now, and next time I see you, I won't stop."

I entered her bus and sat down, and that seemed the end of it, though one gets really pissed when somebody walks into the middle of your good mood and wants to argue.

One nut knows another and I can pretty well tell that she was far more affected by the full moon than I was. She didn't want a discussion. She wanted an argument!
This B.S. for a three dollar trip around town?
Some poor bloke is married to her.

She is gorgeous to look at, but seems to have shit for brains.

Speaking of the declension of the word that identifies that familiar substance, the first thing I learned at the Globe and Mail was when editor Martin Lynch said to me, "Anybody who writes zippy headlines around here will be shat upon."--I wrote zippy headlines and was shat upon, though it took months and months until I was finally laid off.
But it was the way the Globe really worked: You always had a bunch copy editors (us) on standby in case anybody couldn't come to work.
The zippy headline?
A man had his transmission fall out in a Dominion parking lot.
I wrote:
Local Driver Blows Gearbox in Plaza"
LOL.
Thank god the department head at the local college was a gay guy, liked my style, and hired me to run a writing workshop...Landed on my feet. Well, not in his lap!

As to paths in life, I like the passsage I stole from somewhere (The Talmud?):
"Life lays down strange paths for men to tread upon in the dark."

Cheers,

(Small cheer?)

Ivan

Josie said...

Ivan, You just cheered me up.

LOL.

Josie

islandgrovepress said...

Cheers

Sienna said...

LOL! (Your headline.)

I think it would be great to write the headlines for the national papers for one day.

I believe I would enjoy that.

Clever headline Ivan.

Pam

islandgrovepress said...

Pam,

We had fun and I had the privilege of working with the late Martin Lynch, a poet of typography, the Globe's famous "Slot Man", or head copy editor.

Ivan

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