Saturday, May 05, 2007

Ten Commandments for Literary Bloggers

I think I tampered with a commandment or two when I saw the Ten Commandments for Writers, by Barbara Dawson Smith.
Ms. Smith talks mainly of writers, but what she says may well apply to bloggers.


I. Respect for thy fellow bloggers is the Lord, thy God, and thou shalt not worship the false gods of fame and fortune.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of a fellow blogger in vain.

III. Remember to keep holy thy blogging days.

IV. If some publisher picks up your online work, Honor thy editor and thy agent.

V. Thou shalt not kill thy neighbor's ego while critiquing her work, though purple prose may be slain at will.

VI. Thou shalt not allow thy hero or thy heroine to commit adultery.

VII. Thou shalt not steal plot ideas or words from thy fellow authors.

VIII. Thou shalt not bear false witness against another author by spreading gossip or by criticizing her work to booksellers and reviewers.

IX. Thou shalt not covet thy neighboring author's husband, even if thine own refuses to support thy work.

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighboring author's contract, nor her place on the New York Times bestseller list.

30 comments:

Josie said...

Ivan, this is wonderful. I'm not a writer, but you have my full permission to kill my ego if I ever use purple prose. I try to KISS (keep it simple, stupid).

I like Commandment VIII.

Josie

(How's by you, boychik?)

islandgrovepress said...

Josie,
Your prose is never purple, though I am severely tempted to apply Commandment #5 to at least one lady blogger out there, and she knows who she is. Purple? I think her prose is avocado, and none of her sycophants have the heart to tell her her prose should have a Hoover or Juno Vacuum tradmark.
And yet she has extremely high comment volume...I think I'm committing one of the Seven Deadly Sins now!
I am not, of course, talking of any of the Three Quarks, whose work I hold as stellar!

Josie, it's obvious that you learned a long time ago that Less is More, a' la Woody Allen. There is not one wasted word in any of your blogs.

How by me?

Not too bad, though the remnants of the full (fool?) moon are doing serious damage to my synapses and the beer in my fridge.

Ivan

Josie said...

I know someone else like that, and she gets about 350 visitors a day. Oddly, she gets only about 5 or 6 commentors, and they are all men who are drooling over her very blurry avatar.

Liz and Donnetta write so beautifully, I am in awe. Quarks rule :-)

Vestiges of full moon doing damage here too. I'm spending a lazy Saturday at home (with a cold) but it's actually kind of nice.

Josie said...

I am in awe of your writing too. It's beyond amazing.

islandgrovepress said...

Why, I'm tickled, Josie.
Stumbling around for something to say.

"It takes spunk to be a Quark
"To sit out on the tail
"Where the Messerchmitts are coming
"And the slugs begin to wail."

Quarks are good guides and gunners for this blind bomber pilot. :)

Ivan

Donnetta Lee said...

Oh, these are too too good! I am still chuckling. And thanks for the compliment, Ms. Josie!

I am thinking I'll be the white snow leopard Quark. What do you and Josie think of that? I'd love to be a cat anyway!! Thou shalt not laugh too hard!

Donnetta

islandgrovepress said...

Snow leopards (in leotards?) are beautiful.


Ivan

Josie said...

Donnetta, that's perfect! A white snow leopard! Please let Pam know. She'll love it.

This is going to be too much fun. Wouldn't it be funny if the movie were nominated for an Oscar? After all, "Happy Feet" was. Ya never know...

Josie

islandgrovepress said...

The three Quarks and a blind Zeppelin pilot in a kids' movie!
Enought to make you stumble!

My ex-wife used to say penguins were nice, but they were so formal!

Well, nothing formal about Happy Feet, quite the opposite, a rebellion even.

But Hollywood hasn't heard of The Three Quarks.
And an anti-quark.

...For those a little confused by this inside talk, the Three Quarks are Josie, Elizabeth and Donnetta Lee.
Major Domo of the three quarks is
Old Sleepy here, Ivan, the blind bomber pilot. The four of us and our animal avatars soon coming to a theatre near you.
At least that's what Pam (Sienna) is telling us as she madly works on a film script for Australian television.
In the course of the film, some lost children come across three quarks and a blind pilot. Heh.

Which way did they go, Quarks, which way did they go?

Ivan

Josie said...

They went south to Oz. Where it's warm. No more winter.

Sigh....

islandgrovepress said...

I have often heard it said that in Canada, we have ten months of winter and two months of really bad skating weather.

Ivan

Donnetta Lee said...

Hi, guys. Yes I left an email for Pam. I kept struggling with what animal I could be, and it just came to me--the snow leopard. What a beautiful creature-and all cat! One minute all cuddly and purring-the next minute ferocious and snarling. Hmm. I kinda like that.
Donnetta

islandgrovepress said...

Snow leopards are endangered, over in Siberia.
Might just fit the bill.
Beautiful endangered animals.

I guess if I were a Siberial leopard, I'd be bipolar too. Even paranoid!

Ivan

islandgrovepress said...

FLASH.

Blind pilot gets job as window cleaner at the CN Tower!
Parks blimp.
Complains there is no Zeppelin dock.

Ivan

JR's Thumbprints said...

Hey Ivan,
You're probably right. Not everyone can take a hit like yours truly. In fact, I think I've offended a few bloggers because they no longer comment about my posts. Should I "unlink" them, or keep the faith?

Anonymous said...

JR,

One decision is to do nothing. And for a long time. You might be bumping against what you want, but the "it" may be slow to respond.

The other is to think about the rules of article writing.
LEAD, BODY and POINT, the POINT agreeing with the LEAD. You know this already from your teaching, I'm sure. You can't just relate what happened...unless you are really good at turning powerfully- felt emotions into something that migh look like an artfully executed story.
All this blogging is really a fairy's wing in the first place.
Don't "unlink" your bloggers.
They're out there, and they're obviously commenting.
It's just the full moon.
And like old David Niven said,
"The moon is just a balloon."

Ivan

Anonymous said...

Good afternoon, Ivan. I missed out on Saturday -- re-spunking my spunk for a while there!

Yesterday, was Cinco de Mayo here in Norman.

All this blogging is really a fairy's wing in the first place. -- That's a good one, Ivan, and something to keep in mind!

I hope Sunday is being kind to you! ~Liz

islandgrovepress said...

Hi Liz,

Good afternoon.

I speak "Speak", but I don't get the immediate reference to the fifth of May. Cezar Chavez?

Sunday is very kind to me, thanks.
I got my techie back but I think I am frustrating him with my endless technical requests to do with OZ.
I wanted to make sure I was halfway technically competent, should we quarks have to insert copy into Pam's, script, but I think Pam and her friends will be
taking care of that.

It is fine sunny morning, but there is mischief in my heart all the same.
I sent you guys an example of purple prose that I had winnowed out of the web.
The real author will probably kill me.
Who know what evil lurks in the hearts of blogging men!

It is a beautiful day outside, but I fear I am up to no good, slagging other bloggers and all, tampering with the Ten Commandments above.

Hugs,

Ivan

islandgrovepress said...

Liz,

I think I have incipient Google-itus.

The below info struck me kind of funny:

Corpus Christi's bayfront area lights up for Cinco de Mayo with live music, ... Oklahoma's annual rattlesnake baiting season continues at the three-day ...
www.isic.org/sisp/index.htm?fx=event.search&sort=DATE&loc_


Sometimes googling can be de debbil's tool :)

Ivan

Donnetta Lee said...

Hey, now let's not go bad-mouthing the upcoming Rattlesnake Derby in Southwestern Oklahoma! I have fond childhood memories, don't ya know. Wait a minute, maybe I already missed it. Oh, rats! I mean, rattlesnakes!
Donnetta

islandgrovepress said...

I gotta stop messin' around in this garden.
Damn snake has a punk hairdo.


Ivan

EA Monroe said...

Hi Ivan, I received your debbil's email -- I must be the debbil's sidekick. Let's go rattlesnake hunting. This is the time of the year for it in OK.

Okeene and Mangum have Rattlesnake Hunt festivals. Donnetta and I both grew up with rattlesnakes. My 5th and 6th grade teachers were sisters who had a brother who caught rattlesnakes for his snake den over in Craterville.

Josie said...

What are you growing in that garden, Ivan? A little "cultured weed"? Ha! Snakes with punk hairdoes.

Liz, we have rattlesnakes in BC too. The interior of our province is desert, complete with tumbleweed, cacti and rattlesnakes. You must come to BC sometime.

Josie

islandgrovepress said...

Funny you should talk about coming to BC righ on this day, Josie.

Woman came to visit, said "Ivan, you've been all over the world and you've never seen B.C. What's wrong with you?"

Ah, we got rattlesnakes in Ontario, called Massassauga Rattlers. But they are endangered and they crawl around with earmuffs and little skis, poor devils.
They make this noise when riled:

It's fffffffffffff*king cold!

Ivan

islandgroveress said...

Liz,

Here I thought I was sowing Marigolds.
Hah.


Ivan

Josie said...

mary jane, perhaps?

islandgrovepress said...

Remember that line out of Crocodile Dundee in New York?

She takes a drag off his home-rolled cigarette and announces, "Hey that's good sh*t!"

Dundee, taking the cigarette back, is puzzled. He looks at the cigarette and wonders. "Good sh*it?!"

Ivan

Donnetta Lee said...

To quote Indiana Jones and also hubby: "I hate snakes."
Donnetta

Anonymous said...

Yeah, get mad at the snake!

Tell it, "Y'r ass is grass!"

And you'd be accurate. :)

Ivan

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