Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Sermon on the Mound

Friends, Romans and assorted Pakistanis,

For the past thirty years, I have been clocking my fellow-humans' sprint back to the dark ages.

Brethren, it's with a heavy heart and a leaden soul that you see me standing before you today. For my eyes have borne witness to the coming of that which is known as the beast; Beelzebub.
Oh the signs have been building for a long time my friends, but they have been subtle and insidious. He and his many minions have wormed their way in amongst us with all the guile of their breed.

These succubae of spirit, these debasers of all things sacred and holy, harbingers of doom and destruction have been amongst us nigh on thirty years; twisting, tantalizing, taunting, and tormenting us until we can no longer tell right from wrong. They are a plague upon this land unlike any seen since the days of the Pharaohs.

Numbering less than the locusts of old, what they lack for in numbers they make up for in distribution. Ubiquitous! That's what they are. Jennifer Lopez, Justin Timberlake impersonators, Brad Pitt, Angela Jolie. You can't escape their adulterous presence, not for one minute. No matter how hard you try and how far you travel, everywhere in this great land of ours they will have got there before you, waiting with their seductive ways to entice you, lure you, until finally they have you when you least expect it.

I'm sure you've seen their victims; those blank faced millions with their faces creased with simple smiles, their heads nodding vacantly, and their toes tapping incessantly. Those hapless, hopeless individuals who have been rendered incompetent from exposure to the beast and his minions can be seen everywhere. From all walks of life, all backgrounds; the beast knows no boundaries, cares nothing for religion, creed, or colour. He just wants your soul!

But, thou shalt not cover they neightbours goods, nor his wife, nor his ass! The pansy who brays "sexual orientation," the pretty Ho of Babylon on Entertainment Tonight.

My Brethren, we must face up to the truth of this matter, for it can no longer be denied, the time of the reality show is upon us. The forces of homogenization and cheap sentimentality are on the rise everywhere, threatening to swamp us in a flood of stupid Marxism whose aim ist to turn us into the Chinese garbagemen/garbagewomen. It is so much like the evil Communism, an anti-Bush posture that in its own nihilistic way, is Bushier than Bush.

Everywhere there is an upheaval of body and spirit. We smell the acrid smoke of assassins, people get blown up. People get blown. And on television. The Dow-Jones goes up.

Wasn't it better in the waning days of Rome when three hundred Christians would be put to the torch (nobody takes Christians seriously today), when tribes of crazed baboons woud fight two or three lonely, pious gladiators, when thousands would be crucified or put to the torch in a single day?

I am afraid the good old days are gone forever while the forces of darkness and idiocy slouch out of Hollywood and into our living rooms.
It is not we who need to repent!

...end sermon.


EA Monroe said...

Glory Hallelujah! Amen, brother.
;-) I was saying this earlier when San and I strolled past the African American preacher man who lives at the end of our street. He's always invited me to his church, but I'm a good heathen. ~liz

islandgrovepress said...

"Well I never been to heaven
"But I kinda like the music."

Repent, sister, and take the big J as your personal savior!

The Preacher

DoubtingThomas said...

I'll bet the juggernaut ran over you, Ivan. Calgary has a mayor that spends like a drunken sailor, and wants even more. If the new premier won't cave in and give it to him, he'll get it from the taxpayer. (Whee! the peepul.)

Fort Mac is overheated too. Newfies workin' all hours with no place to live. Got any of that determination left? Bring yer van out here to the land of the Eternal Flarestack!


Donnetta Lee said...

Reverse evolution! You nailed it. Like Liz, I'm a good heathen. You must have put aside your medicine man rattle and picked up a "new age" (as in new times) bible! Interesting observations! Humm. I thought I smelled sulpher.

islandgrovepress said...

Doubting Thomas,

What is it about premiers (governors)that makes them fall in love with the Cancer Crowd and the EPA, both these bodies being very good at statistics on cancer and smoking, but coming up with no real causes of cancer?

Here is your Premier Ed Stelmacher:

Edmonton... Proposed legislation will ban smoking in all public places in Alberta, as well as prohibit tobacco product displays in retail outlets and tobacco sales in pharmacies.

The Tobacco Reduction Act will prohibit smoking in all public places and workplaces. Other changes proposed under the legislation will ban tobacco power walls and other promotional displays in retail outlets. Tobacco products will no longer be permitted for sale in pharmacies, public colleges and universities.

"Support for this legislation makes this an historic day in Alberta, especially as we celebrate World No Tobacco Day," said Dave Hancock, Minister of Health and Wellness. "The health of Albertans, particularly our young people, is paramount in this proposed legislation. Sadly, every year 3,400 Albertans lose their life from tobacco related causes."

The Tobacco Reduction Act would amend the Smoke-free Places Act that prohibits smoking in public places accessible to minors.

"The proposals under the Tobacco Reduction Act will strengthen our efforts to protect Albertans from the dangers of second-hand smoke and reduce overall tobacco use," said Minister Hancock. "While smoking remains an individual choice, this legislation is intended to help reduce the long-term health and human costs associated with tobacco use. This legislation will help us create a healthier population and build a more sustainable health care system."

If passed by the Alberta Legislative Assembly, Alberta will join the majority of provinces which prohibit smoking in all public places and workplaces. A number of provinces have enacted legislation that bans visual displays of tobacco products, as well as legislation that prohibits tobacco sales in pharmacies, schools and health care facilities.

A tobacco tax increase was included in the 2007 provincial budget in an effort to reduce smoking and promote a healthier lifestyle. On April 19, tobacco taxes increased by 16 per cent in an effort to reduce smoking and promote a healthier lifestyle. The tax on a carton of cigarettes rose by $5 to $37.

Protection from second-hand smoke and actions to reduce tobacco use supports Premier Ed Stelmach's plan to improve Albertans' quality of life. Other priorities for the government are to: govern with integrity and transparency, manage growth pressures, build a stronger Alberta and provide safe and secure communities.


Money-grubbing, short- sighted bastards!
They tried Prohibition in the Thirties, Al Capone moved to the top, and now they're doing this.

People will just flock to the Indian reservations and get tobacco there that will do all the things to them that the EPA says cigarettes do...there is no quality control, and the ciggies are made in China, from floor sweepings!
Here is Alberta's Fort McMurray polluting the entire world, worse than China, killing people while Stelmacher is worried about a puff of cigarette smoke.
A pox on all of them!


islandgrovepress said...

The Antichtrist is upon us!
It began with the evil Rock and Roll, and come to think of it,
he does look a lot like the One-Horned, One-Eyed Flying Purple People Eater!


Josie said...

Ivan, I wasn't sure if you were being facetious, but then I read it again, and I agree. Especially the part about homogenization and cheap sentimentality. All of the no-talent "idols"(?) are either in rehab or jail. And all the really cool people (Mick Jagger) have gotten old.


islandgrovepress said...


I agree, a hundred per cent!


JM said...

Where's Bob Dylan when you need him?
(Playing Casino Rama, actually)

Anonymous said...

Bob Dylan playing Orillia, Ontario?

Home of Gordon Lightfoot?

My God. Where are the others?
Where's Big Pink, Levon Helm and Robbie Robertson and Joni Mitchell?
...We could have real Travelling Wilburies!

Casino Rama.

Beware of W*ps bearing gifts?


EA Monroe said...

Hey, Josie and Ivan! Donnetta has "gone to lunch" over at her blog. You know what happens, right? Time to party harty and raid her cupboards!I hope JR doesn't hijack her blog!

http://www.creativewriting.ca said...


JR has been a cautious camel lately, but I have had a boo at one or two of his short stories...This would be the ideal time for JR to lay a tale upon Donnetta, since she has asked for more short stories...And are you out there, young Trevor?...This is your chance too...again.
And we could go and raid Donetta's cupboards and maybe even violate the poor young man left to house-sit...Sort of like demented secretaries laying on the poor office boy at an office party, his pants half-undone.

Look to your liquor store, Donnetta, and the poor young man's virginity!

Donnetta Lee said...

Aha! I knew you were up to something! Beware..the house alarm is on! Remember those firemen with their axes!

Anonymous said...

Joel Madlin and your Alarm Force.
We are testing you.

The voice telling us to identify ourselves sounds like it belongs to a stone pansy.
Well, we're heading for the fridge.
I want to be the Emperor of Ice Cream, not a flaming queen.


Josie said...

Ivan, have you checked out my blog from yesterday? Pam has us married off - to each other...! Geewits and LGS are going to sing "Oh Promise Me..." Liz and Donnetta are going to be bridesmaids. Too funny.


EAMonroe said...

Oh boy! I've never been a bridesmaid before! When is the big wedding? ;-)

islandgrovepress said...

Oh, this is going to be a beautiful and poetic wedding.
I have already picked out the clergyman.
His name?

Rabbi Burns.


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islandgrovepress said...

That was an incoming.

What a counterpoint to my sermon.