Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Stuck in the Sixties (Seventies? Eighties?) in a Mushroom flashback

After two years of running The Main Street WhizBang, Newmarket's first (and last) underground newspaper, we found that we had lost an entire fifty cents.

The bankruptcy was awful.

People were diving out of basement windows.

One of our lady writers commited suicide by impaling herself on a mushroom.

(Or is it that she had some mushrooms?)

I lost all my groupies, this the unkindest cut of all.

(You want to get laid? Start an underground newspaper. You get chess broads and ladies in blue leotards and net stockings. Underground newspaper office, replete with espresso machine, is also a great place to pick up poetic guys for the chess broads).

But there's such a thing as having too much retro fun.

You wanna get your office burned down and the cops giving you heat?

Start an underground newspaper.

But you have to plan for disaster. You might lose fifty cents.

You might also step on the toes of the powers that be.

The incumbent mayor, against whom I once ran said, "Don't buy ads from Ivan...He's an as*hole.

I got tired of going to all the merchants to collect money anyway.

Print adertising and graphics got to be a drag.

My waitress at the pub said "Stay small. If you get large, you go crazy."

I did.

Hell, this was too much like being overground.

So we packed it in.

At least we showed it could be done in ultra-conservative, white-bread Newmarket.

Sure as hell had my fifteen minutes.

But buying all those asbestos suits got to be expensive.

The landlord made money on the fire insurance, but he wasn't sure if that was the royal road to riches.

My advice to budding" Georgia Strait" underground newspaper editors:

Municipal politics is dangerous.

Trespassers will be incinerated.


I am going through major depression over here and can't seem to get up the mental acuity to put my Schomoozer award up on a proper post.

Correspondent Josie, who has been so kind as to help me with the reproduction above, has offered me detailed instructions on putting up the award, but all she got from me was a Wooodstock &%$#%%%%&^%$#%%%%%%%%%.

So she didn't persist, realizing the the old neo-hippie had probably had one mushroom too many.

I have tried to get my techie to help, but he has just started his own business and his time is precious.

So here is my brain, stuck in second gear, stuck in the Sixties forever. mailto:&&&&&&&&&%%%%%%*&^%$#@%%%%%%%%



JR's Thumbprints said...

I'm waiting for the schomoozing to wear itself thin before I lay it on thick.

Whiz bang.

Sizzle fizz.

Ivan@creatrivewriting.ca said...

Take my WhizBang,take my swizzle stick, but don't take my Grand Marnier.


Josie said...

Ivan, I could probably do it for you, but really, it's easy. Maybe I can walk you through it by e-mail, step by step. All you do is sign in, click on "layout" and then click on "add page element".

You will have to save the schmooze award as a picture first, and then just upload it from your computer.

I'm have a crappy night too. I rented a couple of movies I wanted to watch, and my DVD player has crashed and burned. Now I have to go and buy another one. *sigh*

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

I can understand the frustration, I was like that once but now computers and I are partners in life and work.

You know you kid around a lot, but when I read here, well, you certainly have a fan club. It seems as though you all have known each other for years... or have you and I just got lost in the scuffle?

Either way Ivan, you got it made.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

I don't use photobucket or any of those services.
All I do is "save picture as" to add to my stock of blogging photos.
...It might still work.

I have been told this by my banker:
"You just don't like to think.
And oh how right he is!

Ah well. It looks like it's Think of thwim.

Sure, send me the email.

I really appreciate your help.



Sorry to hear about you DVD crashing...I'm told the Wal-Mart ones seem to want to give up the ghost first.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...


:) Was that you waiting on the cold stairway of the Main Street WhizBang, waiting for the office to open?



We used to put out the WhizBang in the old "hot lead" method, that is to say, we employed commercial printers.
It's only my son who recently dragged me into the 21st century.


Josie said...

Ivan, any photos that I upload, I just save them as a .jpg first. I don't use Photobucket, etc. So.... save the Schmoozer award and a picture, and then follow my steps. Give it the old college try. If it doesn't work, let me know.


http://www.creativewiting.ca said...



Let's give it a shot.

It'll have to be email.


Josie said...

Ivan, I have e-mailed you instructions on how to add to your sidebar. Give it a try, and let me know how you do.


Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I find it fascinating that you were running that underground rag. Did it work? Did it bring about changes? Did it topple the mayor? Did you meet chess broads? I'm beginning to think you have a bit if the anarchist streak in you. Am I right or am I totally off track?

Ivan@creativewriting.ca said...


I read somewhere that the first sign of turning gay is the response of "oh-oh, I'm ****ed

I don't think I'm turning gay, but, but I have a problem applying your instructions to my google beta

After saving pic and signing in to my blog I can't find a "Layout" box
on my dashboard. I have forwarded you my dashboard so you can have a look.
Are we on the right papge, that is to say my dashboard? Should I be somewhere else?

"'I am afraid I am giving you a lot of trouble,' said Alice."


ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Lone Grey Squirrel,

Don't know if I helped make many changes (save for the Mayor getting cancer and dying--pure coincidence!); he was already under investigation on corruption charges and it may have been the stress that killed him.
I suppose I made the town more ecology conscious; recently they stopped a smelly incinerator from operating, the incinerator being on the edge of a high-end subdivision.

But on the whole, my underground newspaper didn't change much. Business as usual, the politician-developer game of 69.

Uh. Speaking of 69, yes.
Editors get perks. :-)

...But these smart, independent women like to play 6 first. TMI?

You are not off track at all when you suggest I have an anarchist streak.
Through my college years I was known as something of a radical (but then we all were in the Sixties).


Josie said...

Ivan, you're right. There is no "layout" box on your dashboard. Very, very strange. Someone must have designed it for you a bit differently, and I don't want to change anything. Who put up your Oakie Award and your Quark picture?


http://www.creativewriting.ca said...


Thanks you so much for your yeoman effort on this.

The permanents posts now up, (including the Antiquark and Honrary Okie)have been put up by my son, who has his own stamp (or
"fist", as the old telegraphers used to call it).
He has used a lot of electrical engineering tricks on putting up all of my site; my genius son doesn't seem to think like an ordinary electrical engineer--he knows some tricks.
I think he has applied some tricks, bypassing Google's dinosaur responses.
I just had an email from him; says he's goint to get at 'er.

Sorry for putting your through so much effort. I for one, am starting to learn huge, thanks to some of your instructions.

So we're going to let techie handle it from here on.

Thanks again.

(You have no idea what's been going on with me throughoout all this). :) Out of cigarettes, out of booze, even out of aspirin--and for a crosss-addicted dude like me, it was pretty close to the Sixth Circle.
We are hoping that pension cheque is in he mail today.
Government pensions aren't all they're cracked out to be and I haven's sued the college yet for their bad use of me financially.
The miracles is that I didn't call for the men in the white coats.

But then I guess things are in the saddle and are riding you too.

Weltschmerz. Pain of life.

Thans for tending to this, though, Josie...I think over here, the heat's getting to me too.


Anonymous said...

Hi Ivan,

When you sign in to "Dashboard," click on "Settings." From there click on the menu tab that says, "Template." That should take you to "Add and Arrange Page Elements" and from there you can "Add a Page Element," such as "Picture."

You're techie guru might have set your blog up as a "web" page though, but with Josie's WhizBang expertise you will figure it out!

I always thought an underground newspaper would be fun. For a while here in Norman, we had an underground radio station. Kept having to move around though. I think the feds and powers that be who police the air waves finally caught up with them.~Liz

Josie said...

Liz, for some strange reason, Ivan's template doesn't have the option to add a page element. I tried. I think he needs to get his web designer to do it. *sigh*

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Thanks, Quarks,

I appreciate the concern.
Sort of clucking and checking. Heh.
I find that really charming.
This old guy's gone over his head in tech detail, and though he may once been the fastest mouth in town, he's tongue-tied when it comes to the intricacies of the web.
Yeah, my son's coming over this weekend; and maybe his little four-year-olds can help as well--they get computer-savvy so fast.
Son says, "How did you guys ever do it in the past, with your clunky typewriters?"
I think I was telling Liz that I had made a career of words alone--totally ignoring the left side of my brain which has now been startled into life, or facsimile thereof.
Thanks again, guys.

The Schmoozer award will be put up, and thank you TomCat and all.
...It's just going to take a little while.
Meanwhile, we gotta get get writin'.


Anonymous said...

Oh, man, Edmonton is crazy. Crack, stabbings and hookers.


New comment on your post #1938 "Census Says: Alberta Needs Schools, Possibly Hookers"
Author : islandgrovepress (IP: , bas1-toronto01-1177661683.dsl.bell.ca)
E-mail : ivan@creativewriting.ca
URI : http://www.creativewritin.ca
Whois : http://ws.arin.net/cgi-bin/whois.pl?queryinput=
Well, from all the spectacular (and horrid) fires Edmonton's been having, it's obvious that Tony Soprano has already taken up residence there.

Can the hookers be far behind?


You can see all comments on this post here:

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...


I admit, it was me....now what do I do?