Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Jack be nimble, Meg be quick

We begin with Jay Wells' open letter to Jack and Meg White of THE WHITE STRIPES.

Dear Ms. White,
First, can I call you Meg? Hi, Meg.
Second, let me say, I love your music. I love the quirkiness and the fresh voice you and Jack bring to the music scene. Thanks for that. Now that we've dispensed with the pleasantries, I have a question: What the f*ck are you thinking?
Two months ago I spent $160 for two one-day passes to the Austin City Limits music festival. You see, this year my girlfriend and I decided to treat our husbands with a road trip to the festival for their birthdays, which fall within two days of each other. We decided on the Saturday tickets for the festival because among other good bands, The White Stripes were scheduled to close the show that day.
Make no mistake about it, your band was THE reason I wanted to go on Saturday. Mr. Jaye would have preferred to go on Sunday to see Wilco, his favorite band, as well as Midlake and BOB DYLAN, but I talked him into Saturday's performance because YOU WERE GOING TO BE THERE.
So, imagine my surprise when yesterday, three days before the show, the news hit that you had canceled all of your upcoming shows in the U.S.--including the ACL. Might I add, the ACL show is the only non-refundable performance in the lot. Further, the reason given was your "acute anxiety." Surely your publicist could have come up with a better reason. I think I smell a rat.
For future reference, I have come up with a list of excuses that might go over better.
1. Despite your claims to the contrary, a Seven Nation Army( The Stripes' hit song) could and did hold you back
2. You've come down with a bad case of Icky Thump.
3. You've got the flu, and, girl, you have no faith in medicine. Look, shit happens. Hey, that might be another good excuse. As Sarah Silverman said, diarrhea is always a good way to back out of a gig. No one questions the diarrhea. I certainly never expected Amy Winehouse to make her scheduled appearance. Let's face it, her hit song was nothing more than a self-fulfilling prophecy. But I never expected you to betray me, Meg. You're better than that ballet slipper-wearing, beehived freak of nature.
--Jaye Wells.


Now that I have plagiarized Jay Wells' letter, I will go on to plagiarize myself, usually a fatal mistake for a writer, for when a writer plagiarizes himself, he's in trouble.

Ah what's a little Fata Morgana on a big operation like this:

Don't want to hear about it
Every single one's got a story to tell
From the Queen of England
To the gates of Hell
And if I catch you coming back this wayI'm gonna serve it to you
It's not what you want
But that's what I'll do
--Jack White/The White Stripes
I recall beginning my essay thusly:

The cultural-philosophical attitude known as nihilism vanished just after the Russian revolution of l917, only to return with a vengeance in the 21st Century, having resurfaced large in the middle of the l950's with such American magazines as MAD, Cracked, Evergreen Review and even some articles in Playboy.
Today, it's Mad Indies Rock from what appears to be Hell:
I'm going to Wichita
Far from this opera for evermore
I'm going to work the straw
Make the sweat dripFrom every pore
And I'm bleeding and I'm bleeding
Right before my lord.
And the feeling coming from my bones
Says find a home
Cut to:
Jorge Luis Borges quoting Pascal: "Nature is an infinite sphere whose centre is everywhere, whose circumference is nowhere."
And somewhere in his Aleph story, the story about this sphere, Borges concludes that it is a false Aleph!
Add to this the hundreds of comments in Jeff Wells' blog, Rigorous Intuition, and you'll get a spooky sense of the Devil himself, and if not him, certainly the conviction that what sensitive people feel these days is not necessarily Nature, or God, but a group of sinister people who have convinced us that their very brains comprise an infinite sphere whose centre is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere.
Call them Illuminati. Call them Aliens. Call them mad scientists and social engineers. Whoever they are (Are they from here? Are they real? Are they guilty?), their presence is obviously felt by millions if you believe in the the monkey business of Art Bell, George Noory or a host of "moonbat" manque's around the world.
But, as Russians often claim, they invented everything, the Prince Kropotkins, the Bakunins, certainly Dostoevsky in his "Devils" or "The Possessed". It is my belief--to introduce an oxymoron-- that the Russians invented nihilism.
Nihilism is a condition of complete enervation. It is the absence of laeticia that joy of life, a sense of futility and ultimately, the desire to throw a bomb.
How far are we from Dostoevky's wild-eyed nihilist to the fanatics of the Middle East? Granted,they are not true nihilists, they do have a belief, but it is carom of their true faith, a kind of nihilism.
And how well is our own creeping nihilism articulated by RIGOROUS INTUITION, Bill Mahe or The Jon Stewart Show--where he for the first time had a musical act, The White Stripes singing, Get Thee Behind Me, Satan...
Am I just courting comments here? Do I seek a new audience of moonbats? I don't know, except that if life is a tragicomedy, Jon Stewart certainly has a handle on it and Jack White of The White Stripes for sure.
I'd like to take a more positive view.
There is a sense, coming from my own background, of a kind of salvation. The late Hryhory Chubai of Kiev:
and around there was no river, no sea, lake or stream was around
only helpless imagination
surrounded itselfwith uncountable suggestions
for every one of the flower's eight faces the imagination surrounded itself and staggered
staggered and felland never got up
and did not come
did not ask--what time is it
did not ask--why the door opened
did not ask--where they buried the goldfish--on the sun or on the moon
and it is very frightening when there's inquisitionwhere one cannot remember the voice and cannot forget the face
when for a long time no one comes...
But, for Mr. Chubai, a kind of damsel with a dulcimer finally appears, a Joni Mitchell, an accomplice, alover. A loreli?
The Ukrainian poet goes on:
it's a thousand flowers coming
it's a thousand women
and behind each one will sit ashes
but someone invisible will suddenly say CHRIST HAS RISEN
all will turn their heads backeveryone will want to see behind him a fire
everyone saw behind him ashes
someone will suggest to halt the debates
but the invisible one will again say CHRIST HAS RISEN
all will slowly turn their heads back not to frighten the one who's behind
all will suddenly hear how on the sea of black pepper the green waves will turn yellow
allwill suddenly see on the far shore a star which they never saw before
all will start waiting for the tiny boat of the nightingalethat is to take them to the shore
the waves on the sea of black pepper turn yellow and calm
the knotty bottom will regain sightand someone will again say CHRIST HAS RISEN
all will slowly turn their head back
any minute nowthey are to seebehind themselves A FIRE
Well. From Satan, through Easter, to Chrismas. I don't know what I have done here. But something Important has surely gone by.
How do Jack and Meg White, not yet thirty, see all of this?
It might be small wonder that Meg White has "severe anxiety"


EA Monroe said...

It's a sign of the times. said...

For sure.


Donnetta Lee said...

I think it's catching.
Donnetta said...


For god's sake don't say "catching."

It took us forever to see you recover from that flu thing.


the walking man said...

OK fuck it I'll say it:CHRIST HAS RISEN!

But few now look back and see the ashes of the fire that provided the hot air for him to rise and ascend to loftier heights than most will ever seek.

Nihilism can be defined as apathy, ok so we have become apathetically jailed in our jaded cages.

That is why I have decided to become Ivan's evil twin his anti-anti quirk. A role that will not be so new to me, simply because I feel like it'


Ivan's evil twin

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Excuses, excuses. All which have been heard before. Will someone stand up and take hold of me please? ::hip shake::

Maybe they just needed some quiet from their own voices and was afriad that the sound of that might not be good for their image.

Once again I know nothing... I am just here ... waiting.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Just being silly ...

I am nimble and I am quick... but I dare not jump over his candle stick
Instead I will choose to just walk around… I’ll tip toe my way and make not a sound and when night falls and he is asleep. A whisper I’ll not make, not even a peep. I’ll just lay by his side, nice and close we will be … and when morning does rise I will wake with the sun and be pleasantly pleased. A small kiss to his head and off I will go. I will leave him a note that I was just there to hold and hug him like a lost teddy bear.

Tara said...


mew avatar for Ivan.

The Anti-Anti-Quark?

I think we have a convert here.

or a doppelganger.

Hee. said...


Remember that old movie, "Quest For Fire?

There was this nude woman there, painted in something. And she made these soothing sounds.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Early 80's yes? said...


One of the few Canadian feature films that I truly enjoyed.

Royal Bank of Canada, you got your money back!


Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

That was a while back ... I may have to watch it again ... and why shouldn't I. I mean there is romance in it....smiles

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Anyone up for a quiet walk? The breeze is just right, warm with just a hint of coolness. The leaves are nestling against each other, ahh one can even hear the river flowing tonight. said...

There was a romance under it, but it was guttural, Cave Man Speak.
All the cave men had to be retrained from their doggie-style habit of taking women to face-to-face sex, a novel concept for these beast-like men!
Most of the dialogue was in fact a series of sounds and exclamations.
But there was no doubt when the heroine introduced oral sex!
Alley Oop-Oop-Oop-Oop!
"He's the king of the jungle jive!" said...

It is a nice evening, Tara.
Wildlife sounds nearby (I love near a big conservation area).

I loved the line by Leonard Cohen in his very early novel, The Favourite Game."

"A loon went insane in the middle of the lake."

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

He didn't understand why he wanted he, he just knew he did and she didn't understand her feelings, but also knew he was who she wanted.

Sex is a great part of it, heck part of everything. It unlines most everything in the world. Somewhere someone can find sex connected to eating a cheeto if they had to. Ha! There is your oral right there. said...

Well, I suppose you can have your date and...

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

lol! I suppose I can!!! said...

Double LOL.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Oh Ivan, you shameless hussie! lol said...

the yin and the yang.

Confucious say man who make love on hillside not on level.

the walking man said...

Iam not sure in science what a quIrk is but I am assuming I am your anti-anti I can disguise my rude and thoughtless thoughts under you name Ivan;s evil twin.

mwhaaaaa mwhaaaa Ivans evil twin

Tara I hope your light step is filled withe gentleness of this cook breezy eve Peace TWM said...

We now have three.

'a parti.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

aww thank you Mark. How sweet.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Ivan.. well confucious is confused! Hill or no hill. said...

Confucious say "foolish man give wife grand piano..."

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Ha! That is a foolish man. Why not his heart instead... much more precious and valuable. said...

That's pretty, Tara.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Its the truth.

Long hair or short? said...

Willie S. says "As you like it." said...

Hey, we lost Mark, The Walking Man,now (he says) my doublegoer.

Hope I didn't lead him into a tree. said...

Spare that tree!

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Heavy things lay on my mind tonight dear Ivan

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Yes! Sp[are that tree while I am in it.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

I am off to a warm bath... I shall be back in a bit.... No one drink my vodka without me!....::hip shake::

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

and obviously I need that relaxing bath because I can not type. said...

Yeah. Heavy things.
I am in withdrawal from about three stimulants.
Comes in waves. said...

Yeah, break time.

Blogger keeps stealing my typing.

And PBS are flogging Seventies music again.

Money-grubbing so-and-so's. $100 for DVD's of LP's I've already got?

Gets in the way of good probramming.


EA Monroe said...

I remember Quest for Fire. Wasn't the girl Cheech or Chong's daughter?

eric1313 said...

I've always said the same thing, (almost the same thing):

The Russian writers were so far ahead of their time; they were into nihilism way before Dalton Trumbo (who I consider to be the best, ala, Johnny Got His Gun).

Because the life that they saw all around them was so terrible and inescapable and it had been that way for about a thousand years--and probably worse than that even before the Swede 'Rus' made their way down the Volga into the original motherland, a land that was home to the Goths before they were driven to the door step of Rome to sell their children into slavery to save them from Huns and Tartars and Mongols. A land that Arab slavers visited constantly from the Caspian reaches. A land that is fertile with the spilled blood of its inhabitants soaking the deep, black loam. A land of heartless winter and famine filled summers. A land of dreams dashed by the powers that be.

end of history lesson

I'll finish now
(I stopped at Russians invented nihlism)

eric1313 said...


Rae Dong Chong


Lost a Mark, gained an Eric

eric1313 said...

Looks like you all are sleeping.



here's a great title for a possibe novel (totally besides the point):
"Of Doormice and Moonbats"

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Anyone Awake?

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

::curls up alone in a corner of Ivan's blog:::

Night. said...

Belated hi to Liz.
Doormouse kept falling asleeep at the table.
Everybody in my old Hippie circle seemed to like Quest for Fire.

And thanks Eric for supplying Rae Dong Chong.
I am licking paint off the walls. Almost. Friggin' addictions.

Probably have a tree half eaten soon for some ennzyme I'm missing.
"Old stogies that I've found
Not too big, not too roud..."

--vintage Roger Miller. said...

Jeezus, Eric, I've taken a number of Slavics courses but I have never had the history of Rus and its nihilistic fallout so succinctly, even poetically put.
It's too tight to be from ordinary sources and it is the best expository writing in capsule form I have yet seen.
A Canadian author went on TV some time ago with our brilliant Newfie comedienne and TV personality, Mary Walsh. He offered that "Russkies can write, but Limeys can't."
Mary, though an artist and writer in her own right, wouldn't let him pursue that one.
I don't know for certain, but I think Mary Walsh is of Irish background from way back when, and it must be said the the Irish have been at different times the very custodians of the English language.
Mary Walsh no dumbrod.
Anyway, Eric, that was the best short take on nihilism that I have yet read.


p.s. Alienated Jewish writers with no place to go in New York during the McCarthy Fifties no doubt had a touch of nihilism because they had suffered an even worse fate in terrible places to live, like Russia, Lithuania and, face it--Ukraine. Hence the old EC comics, and, ultimately MAD.

I. said...

Sorry I missed the epiphanies, Eric.
Moonbat doormouse did a petit mal
and plowed into his corner of the table.

How is it that one is most aware when his balls are in a stock?

I know Leonard Cohen goes into deliberate periods of fasting.

But then he no doormouse.

Ivan said...


What's that wriggling in my pocket?

That ain't no frog. That's a princess.

the walking man said...

Great day in the morning, hello sunshine and hallelujah! I have been found.



Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Morning Everyone.... \

ann marie said...

Now, that was funny. It makes me want to write Steven Harper's replies as an undercover ghost writer, unpaid nevertheless and probably not endorsed, ever, to Yann Martel who is still waiting for replies to the books he has been giving :) said...

Good morning, Mark.

Peace and Love, as my neo-hippie friends say.

Ivan said...

Good morning Tara,

I can just hear that little fop Freddie singing, out of the My Fair Lady soundrack,
"Oh What a Beautiful Morning."

And it is, in Southern Ontario.
August temps and F 72 degrees.

...And I'm out of smokes.
"Old Stogies that I've found
Not too big, not too round."


ivan@creativewritihg,ca said...

ann marie,

You mean Yann Maretel's new book?

I hear the Life of Pi was "stolen" from some old Jewish guy who was pretty gracious about the whole thing. "Whatever furthers art."

Ah well. Second book almost always never works. said...

Oh, here. I've found it.

"It is this similarity to a story by one of Brazil's most respected authors, Moacyr Scliar, which has started the row over how much of the idea Martel "borrowed" from Scliar's Max and the Cats, in which a teenage Jewish boy is adrift in a boat with a panther after a shipwreck."

Ah well, my old english prof, Eric Wright, himself an author, did say to me, "Pick a plot and write to it."

Ivan said...

p.s. to ann marie,

Yes, I have heard Yann Martel has been lobbying Prime Minister Stephen Harper, every week,
"whenever the PM has a moment of stillness"--to increase the fundding for the Canada Council and thus support more artists.

I say this from outright jealousy:
"To support more plagiarits"?

I finally get your point, ann marie.

Ivan said...

Sh'd read plagiarists. :)

eric1313 said...

Hey, Ivan.

Looks like I passed out right when Tara chimed in.

That's OK, I imagine your blog like a love seat, not a sectional couch. She needed the room to sleep.
Thanks for the words about my Russian history, gathered from all my readings and documentary watching.

The Goths used to believe the Ukraine was a sacred land entrusted to them by the supreme god to ward over and take care of forever.

Then the Huns decided to evict them. Thats when they fled to the Danube. ANd the Romanas took advantage by starving them and making them sell their children into slavery. Slowly they got more and more angry, until a young King named Aleric (the originator of all names like Eric, Ulric, and Roderic, but not Theodoric) decided to sneak swords over the river and he led a million freed slaves and starving Goths to the Eternal city and completely sacked it, thus destroying the illusion of Roman invincibility.

Basically, you can say it was the Russians who destroyed the greatest Empire in European history.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

::stretches::: Lazy day... although I have exams... please someone take me away!...smiles

How is are you Ivan?

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

oh good heavens i meant how are you?

JR's Thumbprints said...

I'd rather listen to Wilco than that loud noise by the White Stripes. Yeah, and I'm a Detroiter. said...


Good, though not much said about the Slavic tribes all around....Were they still on the way over from Persia?

...My Classics prof was such a dick!..."Can't resolve all those issues, except the people in Greece, say, are not ethnically the same as the Ancient Greeks." Damn Englishmen and their superiorities.

Ivan said...

Rise and shine, Tara.

I have begun my afternoon routine as a Calcutta Pavement Dweller.

Talk about a third-world country.

I am a third-world country!

But I have found food and a crumpled five-dollar bill.

We're still livin'
and that's okay.


Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Im awake... just hanging about... like I said, lazy day... writing and soon an exam... ewww said...

Last I heard, Wilco was reconstituting itself in Chicago. said...

Ah, exam time.

Used to have them in the open air at old Varsity Stadium, in Toronto.

Everybody was so serious.

Josie said...

Hi, boychik. I have been so fockin' busy, I haven't had a chance to visit you, but I see you have definitely become the king of the comments. Wonderful! You're a hoot.

I'll try to get around to visit everyone tonight.

Save me some of that good vodka.

Josie said...


Sounds like a plan.

You're in the spirit. :)

Trevor Record said...

White Stripes, Art Bell, and Dostoevky all name-dropped in the same post? You're a man after my heart, Ivan.

Nihilists... I always felt that if there are people who believe in it so strongly, why do they bother trying to express it at all? The real nihilists aren't the ones who speak rarely and take their pleasures where they can. (But some times I dread that the Nihilists are right and I pretend the world is imaginary so I don't have to think about it any longer.)

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

I am back and I am brilliant! Well, I should like to think I am anyway.

Hi Ivan and everyone... anyone home or do I have the loveseat to myself again? ::stretches:::

ivan@creativewriting.c said...

I am here, and I am a dipstick and a shit-kicker.
Brilliant people put me off.

Make my poor ring-piece snap at fifty paces.

They also get government jobs, like Josie. :)


Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

okay.. I'll get off your couch... my apologies.

ivan@creativewriting.c said...

Thus couched, here I lie.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

I am thinking it is a good time to have a smooth red drink to warm me.

I am also frustrated because I can not get gabcast to work so I can record.. Seems it does not like me much....

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Should I ask before I sit? Do you mind the company? said...

Josie got it going a month or so ago. said...

This is just a trifle erotic. said...

I mean Josie got gabcast.

Liable for libel!

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Nothing wrong with being erotic ... I rather like it .. course being alone doesn't work, er... well. lol said...

I had a lady friend who went to Radio shack a lot. For to get the batteries.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Batteries? My goodness. Ivan, you can not tell me you are a naive man. Perhpas she is like me in the respects that no man wanted her. said...

I would be her true love, but her heart belonged to techno. said...


Why do you think that no man wants you?

I am an old coffin dodger, but here and there one gets lucky.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Oh saweet Ivan, I have been single for 3 years, nearly 4. I get my share of looks but like I have said men fear love and in doing so stay away from me. said...

A Friedrich Nietzsche book title:

Ecce Homo? said...


maybe you should visit Eric Ivan James at Inside The Gazebo.

He writes erotica in a jugular vein.

Actually, I think that man is so horny he could just faint.

(You listenin' Eric Ivan James?). said...


I think I've hit a clanger.

Time to go and get some cigarettes anyway.

er, is this good for you?

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Nietzsche was a strange fellow and never truly lucky at love. I mean think about it everytime he wanted to marry he was denied. Love was not his friend. I think Nietzsche's life was about experience. After all he was everywhere and nowhere all at once.

I do not think I am unlucky in love, hell, I do not know what I am. You tell me. said...

Don't know.

Dimly remembered Jung.

Ghostly lover. said...

Don't know.

Dimly remembered Jung.

Ghostly lover. said...

Well, before I give up the ghost, I've got to step out for a bit. said...

Cope with the separation anxiety.



Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...


Sometimes I wonder. said...


I'm back.

I think I've just poisoned myself with something. I usually trust my own cooking, but this time..Woo-ee.
Gotta stay away from that bat wings and curry.

Actually, I've got to see what the other bloggers are up to. Josie, and Trevor Record and Eric1313

Josie said...

Ivan, what the hell is going on here? 95 comments???? Hysterical...!

You're entirely too much fun.

Josie said...

Hi Josie,

I guess we've all got the same thing. Insomnia.

Brings to mind that 50-year-old joke.

"Where is my wife?"
"She's got insomnia."

"Why that Greek bastard!"

Looks like we'll be crankin' it up to past 100 tonight with the insomnia.


eric1313 said...

The Slavic tribes came after the goths. The hums didn't occupy the Ukraine, leaving a vacuum in an extremely fertile region. So the Slavic tribes migrated up that way after 300 AD and later.

That's why the Arab slavers of 700 and after loved going up there--pretty Slavic girls. Those were their favorite slaves to catch.

Go figure...

eric1313 said...


You guys were busy!

I'll leave the hundeth comment to you, Ivan.

Or whoever comes next.

Just posted again if anyone cares. said...


Nothing has changed for 1700 years.
The slavers still come, taking our pretty girls, the "Natashas", forcing them on long marches, through swamp and desert to be slaves in the Middle East Germany,Romania, America and Canada. The exotic dancers, body rub girls and "brides" for ugly men.
There are documentaries out, notably by Victor Malarek, detailing this ugly operation.
Girls are deceived by what appear to be jobs overseas, but they are sold by middlewomen to pimps and murderers.
O my people.

the walking man said...

I was going to leave it at 100 comments even but that would be to good...


mwha ha ha ha ha said...

Good morning Mark.

What in hell are we both doing up?

I guess I might as well blog something for the way I am.


Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Morning Ivan, Morning Everyone. :::stretches::: said...

Good morning, Tara.

Good (extended) morning to everyone!.

Doormouse finally decides he'd better find a proper bed.



eric1313 said...

That is sad. In my advanced creative writing (with a good teacher who let us be ourselves, since she knew the meaning of creative writing, and had been published a hundred plus times herself)class, I meet a woman from Kiev named Nina Orlovskaya who, one day, on her way to work, was grabbed by her arm and pulled down the road by a big burly guy. She said as she walked she cleared her mind, relaxed and soon felt the mans grip relax. Thats when she lept into the middle of the road into oncoming traffic and ran down the middle of the road between the lanes. He didn't follow her. She said the next year she left for america, after quitting her job and not leaving her house the whole time.

It was an amazing story and everyone knew it to be true. She wrote some good poetry, too. Very vivid stuff. said...


I don't think I'll ever forget this account.
Needless to say, it is on sany levels, but the point is never lost.

eric1313 said...

Glad I told you, then. It's not something people can often relate to. But I won't ever forget it, either.

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