Saturday, October 20, 2007

Better a busy fool than a crazy one

Seems one can't write anything unless one's balls are hanging like a pawnbroker's emblem under an old pawnshop awning.

Like everytime I go to borrow money ( usually from a lonely guy who hasn't talked to anybody for days) he will make a social deal out of it. He also knows you're weakened, and you know he will presently segue into his superiorities, the culture derby, the short hair count and the inevitable, unspoken question.

Is he

a) Smarter than me

b) stronger than me

c) less weird

Then (and this is probably an explanation for his loneliness), he will ask you to tak Jesus Christ as your personal saviour.

Jesus. What a hard way to borrow ten bucks.

You need to be really broke to finally see where you are and among whom you move.

Yeah, yeah, you've got the Prince Vlad stake through your tum, but it suddenly strikes you that everybody has money and you don't. Even the Jesus freaks and the crazy people. Everybody's got money.
We are all making money, making money.

It has been a long standing joke of mine until I got that Bob Dylan "How Does it Feel", um, feeling:

Steal a wheelbarrow from an Italian, turn it upside down and run it up and down the street.
There has got to be a disability pension in thre for you, and it will be larger than your McJob take-home pay.

Those crazy bastards know what they're doing.

I must find a wheelbarrow at once.

Better a busy fool than a crazy one.


JR's Thumbprints said...

I'm tired of my comments blending into other bloggers' titles, thus the dots.
It keeps me busy. said...

Oh dear.

I have only the IQ of a mildly retarded high school teacher, so what yoy mean hasn't fully kicked in.
I certainly do have the habit of repeating myself, certainly in the Mr. Clean deparment.
And you have your blog on "Mr. Felon
in the Clean department."


Don't know how t\great my mind is, but great minds...?

Josie said...

JR's comments always crack me up.

Ivan, you have to get yourself a part time job. Something you can do from home. Let me put on my thinking cap :-)


Josie said...

P.S. Did you get your apartment cleaned? said...


I have cleaned one tiled wall of my bathroom...I feel so proud!

And JR has a blog on cleaning (and cons).

This is contagious.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...


I know you are always joking about your intellect, but seriously you need to see yourself in a brighter light. You have more intelligence in one hand than I could wish for.
I see a brilliant man everytime I come here and I know you talk this comedian BS a lot, but I also know you are not so crazy or lost that you can not see what we all see.

I know you must be thinking I am saying this because I find you adorable and all that, but get a grip man. You have so much to offer still that I sometimes feel that my writing is worth crap.

I understand where you have been and where you are at. I also understand that money makes the world move, but man it screws it up as well. No one is better than you Ivan, no one can do what you can , and that is just how it is. Screw those who think other wise.

Do what you can and then get to the library and find a book on grants. There are thousands of grants for those that wish to write for a living. These grants pay for your living expenses and your writing needs. Ivan, if I had half your talent my mind would be huge.

Think well of yourself Ivan, you are so worth the effort.

Tara said...

Said the Abominable Snowman's wife to the Abominable Snowman, "I don't think you're so abominable." :)

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...


EA said...

Hi, Ivan. I'm with Tara -- go find yourself a grant -- that's a great idea.

I'm still busy trying to cut 33,000-something words to reduce my novel to 175,000 words. I'm beginning to think, what the heck. Why would I want to do something like that? I might need to hack out some of the undergrowth. :) !Liz

eric1313 said...


You are smarter about writing while you are sleeping than I ever am.

You've forgotten more about good writing than I know.

Get that grant! It will keep you busy.

Then you'll have plenty of smokes and drinks.

Hello, Tara
Walking Man (when he gets here)
and the rest.

Josie said...

Ivan, I have said it before, I think you have a teeny, tiny self-destruct switch on you. You wallow in self-doubt, all the while having such superior abilities. We, the peons, are barely qualified, and you compliment us on a regular basis.

I guess a writer gets one too many rejection letters, and starts to believe the bullsh*t in them.

Tara and Liz have hit the nail on the head. Go out and find some money, get some grants, and do what you do best, which is to write.

Maybe we can help you research those grants. Whadya say, ladies and gentlemen? Shall we help Ivan find some well-deserved government grants?

Josie said...

Okay, Ivan, this is what I found:

Canada Council Writer’s Grants

Subsistence Costs
Typically, Creative Writing Grants are used to offset subsistence costs (to a maximum of $2,000 per month) to allow writers to concentrate on their writing.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

I have a few sites he can hit that I have used josie. I also have ahuge grant book I could send him or you and then you send him, which ever is more comfortable.

Let me know.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...


Here is another site that is strictly for writers that are or have been professionals.

The Association of Canadian Publishers said...

Josie, I think you've hit the nail on the head.

I was just starting to fly once again locally with a theatre group.
I submitted The Fire In Bradford to that group and they had really great things to say.
Then, just as an offhand gesture, Isent the novel version of the book to some friends at Anansi Press.
Unbeknownst to me, my friends were all (canned?) and a new group took over.
This had disastrous results on my prospects of getting published with Anansi. Had my gambit worked, I would have been on the way to a Giller prize. It did not work.

So suddenly, just as I was coming down from the euphoria of being praised by the Newmarket Stage Company, I get this kick in the guts. This was quite a few months back and I'm still reeling a bit.

On grants: I know where they are. I know where they can be gotten.
My lousy computer skills have lost me more grants!
But basically, it's knowing when the deadlines come up. I might get into a snit or a wine jug and forget them.
Actually, I could probably go to the Town of Newmarket and put a project together that the town could possibly fund. My profile is up now, and it could probably be done.

Oh I know what's going on.

One is cross-addicted, and once the holy trinity of coffee, cigarettes and booze is broken, all those weird withdrawal symptoms set in. You are not yourself in this condition.

But then maybe you guys are right.
Like the rich mouse said to the poor mouse in the cartoon, "Money will end the nightmare."
I did in the past have a habit of falling into money. I think I have lost the knack.
One major grant prospect. The University of Alberta as an independent scholar. "$20,000.

But I keep %&$ing up the forms!

I think my dear late father was right: Gotta use your head to save your feet. said...

p.s. to Josie,

I had already received a small Ontario Arts Council grant some years ago. (The Ontario Arts Council is where the Association of Canadian Publishers sends you).

I do recall it took a lot of foot slogging and bureaucratic manoeuvres. said...


You might need one of your girlfriends to edit--but there is so little time.
I could attempt the job, but again, the deadline is just a few days away.
It is hard to edit one's own work if one had never worked in overground publishing.
Just stop at page 360?
The publishing committe might be able to figure out what was to come next.--Just a slapshot. said...

Ditto to Tara on my p.s. to Josie said...

Thanks Eric.

Just going through a bit of withdrawal here.
My friend, a former small publisher came to visit me last week and said, "What the hell is your manuscript doing, sitting on the end-table...You'd think you'd fight doubly hard after that last slap in the face."
Ah those hedonistic pleasures, the palliatives. Who gives a sweet boo about grants when you can feel this good. Heh.

Josie said...

Tara, I think you should send Ivan the book. Also, possibly you could help him apply for the grants, as he seems to be all thumbs when it comes to his computer. I don't have much time - working full time, et all, *sigh* but you seem to be very knowledgeable about these things, and boychik definitely needs the help. It was a brilliant idea you had. Do you mind helping him with this?

On another note, my daughter is on my blog again - as we speak. It's 7:20 on a Saturday night, doesn't she HAVE A LIFE????? Jesus H. Chr*st don't I have any G*damned privacy at all?????? I am so angry!!!!!! said...


Everybody take a valium.

I know the way...Just got sandbagged in the alley.

Moon is waxing and so, it seems, your daughter.

With my family, it's different.
We parents are crazy, but the kids are solid as rocks.

Your daughter seems obsessed with you, like my mother was obsessed with my father; she was bipolar and dangerous.
In my psych classes, we were told the middle class cosisted of Jukes, sensible people, and not Kallikaks, nutty, dangerous people.
Apparently the profs were wrong.

Ah, Kallikak, Cadillac, SUV, Ford Explorer--what in hell does it all mean?
A long time student of MAD Magazine, I would say you are harboring a grudge. That Grudge may well be your daughter.

Myself, I too have a tough Icon to bear. :) said...

p.s. to Josie,

You can vent here all you want.

I don't think she visits this site.

Josie said...

Ivan, she has visited every site on my blog roll. I'm not harboring a grudge. She is a grown woman. I think it is time she respected my privacy. I respect her privacy. I don't care if my blog IS on the internet, she has to go LOOKING for it. That is not respecting my privacy. What the hell is wrong with her? If she wants to know about me, all she has to do is pick up a f*cking telephone and phone me, WHICH SHE NEVER DOES.....!!!!!!


Doesn't she have a life???????? said...

Maybe a good slap. said...


Do not write about your daugher on your blog any more.

This seems to give her fuel.

If you ignore a fool, he will eventually leave you alone. Just hang up.

Josie said...

Ivan, I don't write about her.

I don't write about her.

I don't get it....!!!!! said...

Hey, MAD TV just came on in, of all places, the multicultural channel in Toronto.
Think I'll watch.

Then SNL.

Hope Kristin Wiig is on.

She and Maya Rudolph seem the only ones with life left in them.
Andy Samberg sucks pop bottles.

Ivan said...

Christin Wiig in her role as Penolope, the crazy one-up lady just cracked me up again.


You might get a laugh if you try for a reprint of the script for tonight's Saturday Night Live perfomance, featuring Christin Wiig.
Try text. SNL Christin Wiig. Penelope. October 20.

Your daughter hass all the hallmarks of SNL's Penolope, it seems.

Sometimes only humour can save us. said...

Try The Moviezzz Blog: Kristen Wiig

It's hilarious.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...


From the sounds of it, I do not think Ivan wants my help. No matter what I do... no matter what I do. I feel sick. said...

Poor Josie has severe family anxieties.

Tara has love-itis.

Ivan's penis seems to droop.

We all got something.

Ah well.

Some notes I took from other people while writing my resume.

"I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I used to be Snow White... but I drifted.

I used to have a handle on life. Then it broke.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself, so if I get back before I return, please ask me to wait.

I've always wanted to be somebody. Next time I'll be more specific. - Lily Tomlin

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

There comes a moment in everyone's life, and I've had plenty of 'em.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

I have love itis? Why do i feel insulted. said...

Sorry Tara.

I didn't mean to insult.

Should havd said Tara is a romantic, as I suppose, we all are in this writing thing.

the walking man said...

I'm not a romantic, I haven't had a romantic bone in my body that hasn't been broken. I much prefer to be a prick, that way when the work and rejection comes up I can always walk away and say fuck 'em their loss.

Ivan your problem is you only have two balls and in order to hang from a pawnbrokers shop it is necessary to have three or no one will recognize what the place is.They will go in thinking it an overpriced antique shop.

Yep drag the wheelbarrow upside down the length of Younge Street and then try to climb into the bear cage at the TO zoo...soon enough you'll be rolling in the filthy lucre of life.