Monday, January 28, 2008

Definitely Writing the Unwritable

It is the semi-annual event of my erection.

And I'm so proud.

Waking up in the apartment all by myself.
Just me and my erection.

Ah well, at least that's something.

Better a pole-vaulter than an improverished "Pole".

Brings to mind an old Mac Davis song:

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when you're perfect in every way,
I can't wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better looking each day
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man.
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
but I'm doing the best that I can.


Some folks say that I'm egotistical.
Hell, I don't even know what that means.
I guess it has something to do with the way that I
fill out my skin tight blue jeans.


My last girlfriend, just before she left me, said, as she plugged in what looked like an egg-beater,
"Take a walk on the wild side."

Brought to mind another song:

It went this way and it went thataway
And whirred when it stood still.
I never knew just what it was
And I guess I never will.

...Except that she kept sending me down to Radio Shack for batteries.

That's what happens when you're a colossal fosssil with a docile tassle.

More Mac Davis:

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when you're perfect in every way.
I look at myself in the mirror
I get better looking each day

I used to have a girlfriend
but she just couldn't compete
with all of these love starved women
who keep clamoring at my feet.
Well I prob'ly could find me another
but I guess they're all in awe of me.
Who cares, I never get lonesome
cause I treasure my own company.

My own company for too long. I get lots of sex, but it's all in my head.

Roger Miller:

Dang me
Dang me
They ought to take a rope and hang me.

The way I'm going, I'll end up in jail.
Lots of sex there, but not the kind I want.

Lately, my email has been full of old girlfriends who want to come back.
I guess we're all a little too old for sex now and just want company.

Well, an added bonus this morning.
Feel like going to my doctor for an examination.

"Why, there's nothing wrong with it.
"Yeah, I know, but ain't it beaut?"

Ah well.
Small things occuy small minds.



Charles Gramlich said...

I should have read your blog first today. Would have given me a humorous pickup for my morning commute.

I've been accused of being egotistical, but I never believed the word was big enough to apply to what I am.

TomCat said...

Ivan, your modesty is most becoming.

ivan said...


Heh heh.

ivan said...


Becoming, you say.

Lana Gramlich said...

I once made my brother sing "Hard to Be Humble" at a karaoke bar (without asking if he would.) He was absolutely horrid. A good time was had ;)

ivan said...

Used to be a great song at a party, Lana.
The "egotistal part always gets a laugh.

Josie said...

Ivan, shouldn't that read, "Oh Lord it's humble to be hard..."

Or as May West would say, "A good man is hard to find, but a hard man is good to find."

Oh, man, did I just say that?

ivan said...

From an old "him":

"Once I was lost
But now I'm found." :)

Kate S said...

Thanks for the giggles.

Reminds me of the old couple on the porch. He proudly shows off his unexpected beauty and she says, "You'd better go wash it while you've got the wrinkles out." ;)

Ok, sorry. :)

ivan said...

Hello again, Kate S,

I just had a peek at your "Aphrodites' Apples" blog.
Wow, contests, publishing--lots of activity.
We to are thinking of forming a writers' co-op here on this blog.

I'll have to alert my team members-
the "Quarks" to your excellent site.
You and your team members could probably show us how an organization like yours works.



benjibopper said...

the proof is that leonard cohen and his girlfriend share a house but sleep in separate rooms. I read it in the globe so it must be true.

More lyrics:

It's like this and like that and like this and uh
It's like that and like this and like that and uh
It's like this and like that and like this and uh
--Snoop Dog and Dr. Dre

Dre is also famous for singing "never let me slip 'cause if I slip then I'm slippin"

They don't write 'em like that anymore.

When it comes to vanity, you can't beat hip hop.

ivan said...

You gotta read Leonard Cohen's second novel of some time back, "Beautiful Losers". It's a great spoof on Catholic Canada.

But already in the book, he and his buddy were experimenting with lubricants.
Mr. Cohen would not like this remark, but do arse bandits make the best writers?
...Not sure I'd like to sleep close to him either. :)

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Leave it to you Ivan.


Middle Ditch said...

Too old for sex? Too old for sex! Speak for yourself!

Nobody ever is too old for sex and liking yourself is very alright and so is being egotistical by the way.

ivan said...


I like your new avatar.

And Tomcat, after seeing my kitty-asleep-on-the-computer picture, said the cat was cute, like you.

ivan said...


Well, after seeing Tara's new picture, I think we could rise to the occasion.

ivan said...

Typo, Monique.

Thrown off my game. Heh.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Thank you Ivan. Hope your day is going well.


ivan said...

Shouldn't have had that beer for my "afternoon tea", but the evening is going well, thanks.

Gonna have to ask middle ditch for her formula for making wine.
This liquid lunch thing is getting expensive.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Well, you could lunch with me while I am finishing my Native American class?

What do you say?

Small salad, baked chicken, and some small red potatoes? Maye Josie could come along as well?

Glad to hear you are doing alright.


ivan said...

Sounds good.

Love that combination.

I just bought some chicken breasts, already stuffed.

Hate to use the oven in a one-bedroom. Leaves a feeling of stuffiness and stuffingness.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Stuffed breasts...hmmm.. maybe I should make that.

Nice bottle of red wine, although I think you are suppose to have white. It doesn't matter to me.



eric1313 said...

Ivan! Glad to read about you being in good spirits. I hope the ex's wanting to come back bodes well. Take them up onm the offer!

My teeth problem came back to haunt me, so I was out of it for a long while.

But I'm back, and the writing is starting to flow again.

I was as proud of writing a poem as you were of your sidekick's return! Watch out world, the Ukraininan comes naked for another pass...

ivan said...

Hi guy,

We've got a lot in common.
I started out as a poet and my teeth too are floating all over, like Hawaiian islands, some spewing smoke. Pain somehow makes you attractive to women. But the old breath isn't exactly kissing sweet.
Glad you're on a writing streak again...Myself, I think I have been trying too hard these past two years. Only now are some of the ideas gelling.
Trick seems to be to take out the autobiographical and turn it into universal experience that everybody can relate to.
The old schizo thing, "I am crazy, and so am I."
Meanwhile,gorgeous 21-year-olds in
valeur dresses of a kind of turquoise do distract one. Satin dolls doing difficult things at work, but the work keeps them in clothes. Spread sheets coming off the computer to be delicately placed by manicured hands into wastepaper baskets. I find that sexy, for some reason. Gorgeous women at work, their heads no doubt full of fantasies that I'm sure would really turn you or me on with their graphic sexuality.

Yeah, I want to be a boardroom bad -ass. :)

benjibopper said...

loved that book (beautiful losers).

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Ahh, well, I am returning to my hole Ivan. But I wanted to wish you luck and love before I go.

Soft love,

ivan said...


Yeah that passage about the mysterious "F" driving right through a billboard while doing something nasty.
Whee. Some climax!

ivan said...



I am experiencing separation anxiety!

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

lol... Ivan highly unlikely. But I have talked to Josie and since she is the ladybug, she has reminded me I can be where ever I choose and I choose here and everywhere. I rather like being here. I have my favorites and what the hell I shall keep hip shaking my way about them.

Josie is the best and so are you!
Now I am snowed in, what is a woman to do?

Soft love,

ivan said...

Well, what is a man to do?

Write weird blogs like the one I have just put up.

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