Thursday, January 24, 2008

What can you do when you live in a shoe.

I thought I would be a fancier of cheese, that is to say, a Krafty **cker; I would remember the image I wanted up on this blog and then go to the library computer and put it up.
Think I remembered the image number? No way. ppg--something.

So I am imageless in Gaza, very nearly a blogless serf.

"What can you do when you live in a shoe?" I ask my friend the drug dealer.
"Button it up and get laced," he says.

Goddamn jailbird. No-account. Ne'er do well!

"Yeah, but didn't I meet you at the halfway house?" he laughed.

Oh what the hell. I am a novelist. Well, at least a novelist-manque'. Wannabee- had- to- be. Looking up at the stars. Falling into wells and cesspits. And halfway houses.

Among the filthy, filthy too.

My intention in life was to have been lucky and wonderful.
The way it turned out, I was Ethelred the Unready,one of the dumbest kings of England.

Ah well. My pretentions to royalty had to be scaled down.

Perhaps I could be a writer of doggerel.

"He was dirty and lousy, and full of fleas
"But he had his women by twos and threes
"God bless the bastard king of En-gel-and."

Well the dirty and lousy and full of fleas part is true right now. Something is eating away at me, and it isn't one of the girls. Oh-oh.

"You got your health," says my former dentist. And you're mainstream.(Actually, he used another categorization.
I think the politically correct term these days is melanin-deprived. I am melanin deprived...Maybe that's why I got on so well in Texas).

Actually, at the time, I was free, white and 51, no spring chicken.
And a nightclub singer to largely black audiences.

"Play that funky music, white boy." Had everything but melanin. "Rock star with frequent trips to the washroom, as is the way of seniors. Lol.

"Why am I standing here in front of all these people?" I ask my manager.
"Because you are a rock star, asshole!"


We go through life in a dream, like automatons, somewhow. The talent seems to come from way out there somewhere. All things come from God. First tenet of the Kaballah; no wonder Madonna is so enamored with it.

Well, anyway, here am I peacfully ratscrabbing away in the library.

"Can I have more computer time?"
"You'll have to show me your library card."

"But I've got enough notoriety not to need one."

"You've got the notoriety, all right. Now show me your library card."

I have a friend whose credit rating and personal reputation is so bad that he had to go to a lawyer to get back his library card...Now that's a persona non grata.

Gee, I hope the librarian said "notoriety" in the best sense. There had been a time when I'd walk into a library and everybody would almost salute.

Nowadays, it's more like Tom Swift and his electric dildo.

Alexander Portnoy and his pound of liver, doing the Portnoy Man.

Ivan and his pound of cheese.

Being Krafty.

What is it that got me into that l938 Tom Swift state of mind?

Damn, I love it.

"I love cheese," said Tom craftily"

"Are you sure you have a library card, or something with your name on it?"

So I gave the librarian my air miles card. "No. try again."

Oh what the hell. I have finished this blog.

I'm outta here.


Hey, hey. Just when I'm in a maudlin mood, what should I find when I googled Ivan Prokopchuk at the library:

Google Books by Ivan Prokopchuk.

The Black Icon: A Story / by Ivan Prokopchuk
by Prokopchuk, Ivan - 1992
No preview available - About this book - Add to my library

The Fire in Bradford: A Novel
by Ivan Prokopchuk - Fiction - 1996 - 101 pages
Cover title.
No preview available - About this book - Add to my library

The Black Icon: A Story
by Ivan Prokopchuk - 1969
No preview available - About this book - Add to my library

Light Over Newmarket: A Novel
by Ivan Prokopchuk - 1991
No preview available - About this book - Add to my library

Storm and Stress on the Campaign Trail: The 1985 Election in a Small Ontario ...
by Ivan Prokopchuk - 1986
Cover title.
No preview available - About this book - Add to my library

The Hat People: A Novel
by Ivan Prokopchuk - 2001
No preview available - About this book - Add to my library.

Well, well, well. No previews available.

But at least I'm listed.

Kinda nice to have Google,unsolicited, check out my books in the various libraries.

Things are looking up!



Lana Gramlich said...

Unfortunately it doesn't look like we have any of your books in our system, but then again, we're about a day's drive away.
I'm not sure about CND anymore, but here in the US there are strict laws concerning internet usage by patrons in public libraries, thus the library card hassle.

ivan said...


The big Canadian libraries don't have my books,though they are available at Canadian "library interloan" throughout Canada.

The most easily gotten copies are from the environs in the town in which I live, Newmarket, Ontario.
Heh. I made sure over the years that I'd supply the Newmarket Public Library with lots of copies...I had put the books out through my own company, Island Grove Press (tale out of school).
...I saw too many of my writer friends die at about my age, so I panicked; had to get the books out by hook or by crook in case I too would take the pipe. Dramatic, yes, but at least I'm published.

I think what I need to do now is to somehow get more copies of my books printed and hawk them to American libraries, certainly to Amazon, where I am also listed.
In the meantime,should you have the leisure for online reading, you can click onto four of my novels, right at my blog header, above.

Ah dreams, dreams. I love reading about your dreams on your blog...They are strangely similar to mine when I was your age. Don't know why that is...Writers' dreams?

Anyway, thanks for the comment.

At least something is working out around here at last!

Donnetta Lee said...

I just wish I could say that I had written them! Always intended to do it. Well, the best laid plans...

ivan said...

That's sincere, Donnetta, and thank you. Your book can still be done.

But I did have to start my own publishing company to get anything going. The force-feeding of my books into systems that didn't really want me was the hard part.
Not sure if that would be the way anybody would want to go...It was certainly embarrassing for a while.

Ah well. It ain't New York, but it will keep me happy for a while...Have the library cheques (book payments) still in my possession...Kinko's wouldn't reprint them, as they are in four-colour and might amount to "fraud". LOL.

ea monroe said...

Ivan, I need to see if our local Pioneer Library system has any of your books!

Oh, I did hear that bedbugs are on the rise in NYC.


PS -- I'm a printer and print my stuff at work. I joke about getting my novels printed at work and hawking them out of the back of the car. I could probably park in the parking lot at Barnes & Noble or Borders. Or maybe at the library!

Maybe, I could go door to door? ;-)

ivan said...

Back-of-the-van book sales can work,Liz, though I think I'd make sure each copy had a Library of Congress number, or an International Standard Book number (ISBN). That way Google will notice you.
You can apply to your federal government for an ISBN.
...Not sure if the Library of Congress would be the place to address your query; Probably is.

...I don't know if an American library can arrange an interlibrary loan from as far away as Newmarket or Aurora, Ontario, where my books rest.
There are copies at the Main Reference Library, Toronto Public Library sytem, but they won'd let you take out the books in Toronto; you have to sit right inside the library and read them there...I guess that's what I get when I try toforcefeed a book on a big institution like that..."We'll take it, but we won't loan it out." Sheesh.

re. sellin books out the back of vans: I have done it and have gotten drunk many times over the sales.
Um. Would you buy a used book from this man? Some did.
Bought them from the back of the I-Van. Hee.
I am not like Bill Clinton. Have to blow my own horn. Lol.

ivan said...

p.s. to Liz,

You know how much I like your work.
Wish I had the hardcover resources. I would have put Island Grove Press' own ISBN number on your books (I own Island Grove Press).

re The Bastard King of England and his fleas:
Had a shower this morning. Fumigated the place. I think they're gone.
It was getting pretty bad. The fleas were doing a Freddie Prinze number on me. Saw me going out.
"You don't come back by midnight, we're gonna slam the door on you, man." Lol.

ea monroe said...

Ivan, fleas love the color white! Don't know why, but they do.

Thanks for reminding me about the ISBN numbers. I'll check into that. (I make barcodes all the time at work!)

Charles Gramlich said...

Cool. I've got to check these out and see what I can turn up. I recently found that my libarary card is no longer good for the public library system in Jefferson Parish, because I moved out, even thoguh I lived there nearly 20 years.

ivan said...

Bureaucracy is everywhere.

I was once something like writer in residence at my local library and when it came time to renew my card, I had to produce a telephone billing or something besides my driver's licence to prove I was actually still in town.
Those librarians have to uh, follow orders.
In the suburb where I live, Newmarket, Ontario all the librarians are women, some of them are getting a bit elderly and one or two is almost dangerously menopausal.
But maybe I put on the dog to much with them and they have to bring me down to earth...Or they are frustrated writers?...

Anonymous said...

p.s. to Charles Gramlich.

You can read most of my work right on this blog, should you have an inclination to do so.
My best book, I think, is Light Over Newmarket.
Just click onto it (above, top).

But then who actually wants to read a full-length novel on screen?
Hard on the eyes!

TomCat said...

Ivan, at least you're listed, but how can you expect me to pay attention to the article when you distract me with a nekked kitty pic? ;-)

ivan said...

The kitty two blogs up.

She is fetching, isn't she, TomCat.

jersi said...

Great thoughts you got there, believe I may possibly try just some of it throughout my daily life.
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