Saturday, February 02, 2008
Here's one hip groundhog who's not coming up this year
Peerless Percy, the subdivision groundhog, will not emerge from his hole today.
"F*ck this," he offered, by way of explanation.
"I keep coming up at the wrong places, the Wal-Mart parking lot full of early morning drug dealers, the soccer field with its frozen soccer moms in the snow, the hockey arena which collapsed right on top of me because of all-weather termites, the park, where I got duck shIt on my shades.
"I've had it, I'll tell ya.
"Never mind Wiarton Willie and Punxsutawney Phil, those exurbanites. They still got space to come up in.
"Fourteen- and -a -half square miles of Newmarket, Ontario and every square inch is developed.
"Crap, if it weren't for Grounhog Welfare where the truckers leave me some grain and nuts just behind the Dominion store, I'd hardly have munchies after my weed.
"Okay, okay, I'm a Sixties throwback. They do, in fact throw me back when I have a pee in between the SUV's.
"I'm going to stay in my den."
And with that, he ambled off.
There will be no weather prognosticating In Newmarket this year.
Which is just as well.
Last year, they almost shot the poor son-of-a-Marmot.
Coldest, longest spring for some time.
"And f*ck you," Percy added before crawling into his den.