Monday, March 31, 2008

The Existential Psychiatrist

The nice thing about not having to write or blog for your life is that you are in fact not doing it for a living, otherwise it's "Ooh-ahh! I'm on top of deadline and I haven't got a single idea."

I am told, in fact that in the case of a male writer, if he constantly keens "Oh-oh, I'm f*cked now," it probably shows gay streak.
This on top of everything else? Egad. You mean that on top of World War Two, some ugly sisters, a dirty fireplace, and--say it on!--career failure--I'm queer on top of all that?
"Well, no," says my friend the existenitial psychiatrist, though I had some doubts as he seemed to wave a cape at an imaginary bull in front of him, with the exhortation of 'Go on through! Go on through!'

Folding his cape, the psychiatrist says, "Nah. You find these thing early in childhood...Getting a biggie-on for the captain of the football team sort-of-thing....The brutality of those cleat boots..."
And don't forget, says the mad shrink, "You're supposed to say 'not that there is anything wrong with that.'"
"Funny thing, I told him in the hope that the polically correct crowd wasn't listening. "I thought GAY meant 'Got Aids Yet?'"
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that, said the guy who looked a lot like former comedian David Steinbeg, the guy with the comic MD embazoned on his lapel.
He seemed to suddenly go off into a reverie about some imaginary lover "Mona, why did you...How could you?"

"Ontario Hospital Insurance is paying for this?" I am laughing.

Said the existential shrink: "Trust me. I am a doctor, see?" He puffs out the MD on his lapel.
And then : "Mona!" , he moans.

Obviously, he may have had a hard time with anatomy in med school and he chose the crazy -doctor route.

"So I'm not gay," I sigh with relief.

"Probably not," but you show some traits that used to be called feminine, that "Oh-oh, I' m f*cked again cry when you're on top of a column deadline for a newspaper and you haven't got a thing to say.

"Fact is Doc," I really don't have much to say.
"Whaddayameanwhaddayamean? You think ya spending all this money for nothing?
"I am a doctor, trust me."

I was starting to get the idea.
I took off my shirt, urging the imaginary bull to ' Go on through! Go on through!'
Every so often, I'd look up at the ceiling in supplication, and sigh, "Mona!"

"That's it, said the existential shrink. You're getting it! You're getting it!
"Now go write you blog"

I suspected for some time that psychiatry was done with mirrors.

Well, who cares. I got this blog done, didn't I?

"Mona!"

##

21 comments:

JR's Thumbprints said...

What can I say? I've thought about going to Spain someday to see the Running of the Bulls. Weird tendency? Perhaps.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

JR:
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

That's funny.

Anonymous said...

just so long as you're not on top of the quarterback,yelling "I'm f....'d now"...as for Mona,the name says it all...love it...call it out one more time!...seems to me there's an awful lot of subliminal secreting here,behind all that smoke and the psychiatrist in Richard Burton clothes...one should never allow themselves to suffer from nocturnal omissions...so glad to see you have put your previously overturned locomotive of literary genius back on its tracks...full speed ahead,Casey!

Anonymous said...

...Arrived into the cabin.

With his what? in his hand?

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

..That last anonynour was me, Ivan

Anonymous said...

clearly,he had an i-pod in hand...

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

heh

Middle Ditch said...

Hi Ivan, I'm back. I have been off line due to several problems and couldn't do anything for many a day. But being off line meant that I did an awful lot of writing and then suddenly the screen on that other computer went bust. Help!!

Everything sorted.

How are you feeling? Better? I've missed the old Ivan.

lol

benjibopper said...

mona who?

benjibopper said...

i was writing about mona monkeys just yesterday. sexy beasts.

Donnetta Lee said...

Gee, I always thought gay meant happy. Foolish me!

You sure existentialist doc had his p's and q's straight? At least he didn't FORBID you to write!

Donnetta

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Donetta,

This is sort of uh, creative writing. The psychiatrist is a figment of my perverted imagination.
...But then why do I keep waving an imaginary cape, followed by my cry of "Go on through! Go on through!"

El Toro!

What did they put into my cervesa when I was in Mexico?

"Senor,you are supposed to fight the bull, not shoot the bull."

Anonymous said...

but sometimes the bull wins,senor`,and even that lowly worm,hidden so well in the murky depths of Mexican pleasure,knows that it must eventually be consumed...all for good cause,senor`Cervantes...dispatch the trench-coated psychiatrist with a good "shot",not the bull...

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

middle ditch (Monique):

Hi. Myself, I seem to have the same tec hnical trouble, but mine seems with Facebook, and I am too addled in the old cranimum now to deal with it.

Don't like to feel poorly while all around there are promises of editing work for me....I am in fact,getting a little swamped with it. Want to edit something for a Montreal writer? Pay not so hot, but maybe that writer could put you in touch with his agent, at least. The agent handles only straight fiction, but he might know somebody else in New York.
Myself, I see the editing of novels as exacting and not all that exciting.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

the last "anonymous":

A drink with the shrink?

It amazes me that hardly anyone has though of that kind of session before.

Anonymous said...

a drink with the shrink...a good
idea,in spirit,perhaps...

what would the worm say,Don Juan
Cervaza?...

Lana Gramlich said...

I love the comic & got a real kick out of this post. Good luck with the deadline!

Charles Gramlich said...

To paraphrase Forrest Gump, "gay is as gay does,."

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Charles,
That would be QED, I guess.

ivan@creatrivewriting.ca said...

Lana,

"War" seems to come when you're not ready.
Publishing prospects seem to brighten at a time when one can hardly tie ones own shoelaces. :)

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Whoever you are,Anonymous,you are one smart MoFo.