Friday, April 18, 2008

The Temptations of St. Anthony


There are times when I wish poor St. Anthony would have gotten laid and gotten it over with.
To stay pure and holy he would sometimes become a flaggelant, cut himself with glass, or jump into a rosebush.
"Get the f*ck out of my rosebush, Tony!" an irate campasino would yell. "Who do you think you are, Jesus?
Ah, poor Tony. A saint for sure, but but is was one earthly hell of a way to go.
Today, all he will have had to do was get a computer and spend a few delightful hours.
But who knows. Maybe Ron Jeremy might excite him.
"Catch you, Tony, you get a piece of this."
Saints generally have high intelligence and low sexual drive, but St. Anthony really had to keep that cobra down.
(Oh-oh. I am flirting with blasphemy. The nuns would not be happy.
Neither the priests).
A joke at the half-way house. "What do priests get?"
"Nun."
Actually, in the course of my descent into bumhood, I did meet a Franciscan monk, somewhat defrocked.
"Franciscans are the hippies of the Catholic church.
"Bishop came over one day to visit.
Monk went over and said, "How're ya doin', Phil?"
I can just see if the Pope were to visit this monastery.
"Ratsinger, huh? Makes me think of American Idol.
"What'd Randy say.
"Isn't that Simon creepy?"
Franciscans are nuts.
Still, there is definitely something in the story of St. Anthony.
Enough to inspire a freelance genius like Dali
to paint a marvellous vision of triumph over the flesh.
So one must be chary of notions of blasphemy. The saints were certainly bigger people than ourselves.
There is, in fact a gathering roll of thunder while I persist in my foolishness here.
Something prescient in old St. Anthony, certainly St. Francis, probably the word's first animal rights activist.
Would have gotten the old seal-bottom seal of approval today. No clap.
Ah, the do-gooders and the Newfies.
With two sealers dead in the current hunt, it was really bad form of Greenpeace to say,
in efffect, that a herd of untouched seal is worth any number of Newfies.
Now this is sin.
And I'm all for St. Anthony.
And St. Francis of Assisi too, for the activists have a point.
But in the current seal hunt, I think Greenpeace should flaggelate itself.
##

29 comments:

Charles Gramlich said...

That's a great painting. Love it. I never could quite understand the ignore the flesh rule for saints. Don't they think God gave us flesh as well as spirit?>

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Some of he early "heretics", eventually put down by the Christian emperor Constantine, felt the same way. Tartullus, for example.

Donnetta Lee said...

"Ah, the do gooders." Sometimes they are beyond belief. But, then, aren't we all "saints?"
Donnetta

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Sometimes I think I have a hard icon to bear. :-)

Anonymous said...

Rose Bush was a damned good lay,thank you very much...and the bishop said "you fuckers are my kind of people"...tupperware and the walrus are both looking for a tight seal...on with the hunt...

ivan@creativerwriting.ca said...

T:

Strange that the French word for seal is fouk.

Anonymous said...

the French always seem to have a way with oral expressions...

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Well, I head of the Inuit who stopped for a hamburger on the way to have his snow machine fixed.
"You blew a seal," said the mechanic.
"Nah, said Ishnook. That's just mustard.

Anonymous said...

l'apres manger,dit le walrus...

ivan@creartivewriting.ca said...

Beware the French carpenter!

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Ivan ,


Cor meum sequar quia debemus esse.
Animam tuam capiam et cum mihi te tollam. Mea te facere dispono. Ergo simul simus in aeternam.

If only in the mind.

Soft love,
T

Ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

From The Magus:

cras amet qui numquam amavit
quique amavit cras amet

p.s. You are a little bit psychic.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

A negative always have its opposite, that being its positive, making them equal.

I am off to bed sweet Ivan...rest easy when you re permitted to do so.

Soft love,
T

the walking man said...

What is a saint to do? Whip the hunters with the mighty wrath of God for making a living; while at the same time whip the naysayers for not providing an alternative to that income and annual culling of a prodigious procreating polygamous animal?

Eat the meat and wear the skins then it would be easier for the saint to falgellate, fellate and fornicate.

God Damn it just thundered in here!

shit going away now...

Peace

mark

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Epiphanies going around.

ivan@cretivewritng.ca said...

Tara,

Yep.

Computer and transfinite math talk.

And negatives going backwards in time become positives.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Buona Mattina Caro Ivan.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Tengo Espanol solemente.
No hay Italiano.
¿A donde tu apprendar Italiano?

Buenas dias amiga.

( I forgot to put the softener symbol over espanol. Too busy with the blog).

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Sé muy poco italiano, pero blanco yo sé que me enseñé. También sé un pedacito si es ruso, español, y alemán y por supuesto mi latín del favorito. Pero no es todo el nada cuando usted tiene nadie a hablar con en él.

Soft love,
T

ivan@creaivewriting.ca. said...

Спасибо.

Thank you.


You took Russian too?!

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Я выбрал вверх маленькую книгу и подумал почему не... никогда не знайте когда я могу он. Я интересуете, вы умеете как чудесно вы?


Soft love,
T

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Okay, so I am not perfect at it...smiles.



t

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Tara,

Flattering to be addressed in almost my mother tongue.
Most endearing.
It is elegant Russian even as you say in cyrillic, that you got it out of a book.
Clever critter!

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Ivan, Я люблю все о вас!


T

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

You are flattering the hell out of this old steppe dancer.

Hey, SNL is on; Christen Wiig doing Hillary Clinton.
It's a rerun,but still funny.
The rest of the show is a real snooze.
Whatcha doin' up?

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Smiles.... I have SNL on as well. I thought the man singing and then changing into a blue hero's suit was interesting. Hillary... ha! She is a laugh by herself, she doesn't need any help from SNL.

What I doing up? Just finished a paper for one of my classes and I have two more I have to finish tomorrow. I said Ha!. Now I did manage an A- for Arguementation and Debate Class, wrote that in 4 hours, think I can get lucky again?

What are you thinking about?

T

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Never mind what I'm thinkin'.

Just pass the roast beef.

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

I only lemonade right now... but I can offer you a hug if you'd like. I like to know what you are thinking. One can never tell what will be there....smiles.

I am going to run and jump into my bed. I have much work still and I am tired. Wanna come? ::smirk::

T

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

eek.
I'm in a chat room.
Way past my bed time.
So what am I doing up?
There must be something in the fridge.
I think the word for cheers in Swahili is Cobra.
Cobra!
And so to bed.