Monday, May 26, 2008

Wile E. Coyote in therapy.


Like any borderline psychotic, I am keening, "If one more thing goes wrong..."
It did.
I have just laid out $500 to the dentist and a cap flies right off, giving me a gap-toothed appearance, like Snaggletooth the Lion.
And I'm starting to lisp because of the gap in the top left.
I used to make fun of guys who sounded like me. "Do you thnuff ducks".
I'd go off with a talk baloon over my head. "Friggin' retard."
Now I'm sounding like that challenged person.
The way I am, I might as well go snuffing Canada Geese which are everywshere in town honking for the road( and some of them actually cross on the green light).
But they are monogamous and scrappy, and it's egg-laying season.
Leave my goose and her eggs alone, or I'll cook yours.
"I'll s-s-s-snuff you all right," the gander hisses and chases me all over the park after I'd come across his/her nest. "And what's with the kid leather windbreaker? Did you make it out of your own kid?
Foul mouthed goose!
Ah well. It's about kids. Er, goslings. I almost aborted a couple of his.
Geese, geese, everywhere geese. Some of them have stopped flying South.
"Welfare" is too easy in Newmarket. You're not supposed to feed them, but everybody does.
And now they're everywhere. Laying their eggs in front of the Liquor store, in any patch of tulips.
Exciting the park perv, who finds something erotic in the way they flap their wings. Especially when he goes after them. "Hold her Newt. She's headin' for th alfalfa."
Ah, you can't take the country out of Salem. Newmarket is an old farmer's town suddenly turned yuppie. And so it seems, have the geese. The cornfields are gone, but the hippy geese stayed.
So it's not "beep-beep" as in the roadrunner and the Coyote, but Honk. Honk for the right of way!
I thought in the winter, the geese would get cold feet and fly away.
Nope.
They all gather under the bridge, waiting "fer to get their pay."
Of course, to the outsider Christma goose "on the web" is a tempting sight.
Better a tourist with a pistol than a foul-mouthed goose.
The poor challenged guy, who also has a touch of Parkinsons and walks with a cane, often chases the same lame gander with his cane. But Jerry is slow-moving and the gander waddles off, craning his neck back to hiss adefiant "F-off"!
I watched the two of them. The goose ahead of Jerry with his little hop.
Jerry immediately behind, with his cane, also doing a little hop.
Both were suffering damnably, but the gander got away.
No Christmas dinner.
I think I saw them both heading for the foodbank right downtown.
"Hey, save some for us!" as they saw me filling out the form."
Now I can't even eat food bank food. There is usually no bread (At the Food bank?) and they give you crackers.
Crackers. With no teeth.
Well, there is a goose with an attitude in town. Jerry's goose.
"My name isn't Sarah, it's Sam. And I don't want a cracker, I want a BJ.
Gander definitely has an attitude.
And I can't even eat a cracker.
##

30 comments:

the walking man said...

Toughen up the teeth...err gums old man. I have been avoiding the dentist dude until enough of them fall out it will be a simple shot of 'caine and a few plop plops and out they go, a couple of weeks of weight reduction and bang new store bought teeth.

Then watch out duck, duck goose, I'll be a chasin' youse! Dinner in a coal mine, supper in a bush a dirty old man just wished he could...eat without the poligrip slip.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I am killing myself because I know, one damn last smoke before I go all modern and shit, quit the damn things because they don't give me gas. $$ better spent at Exxon Mobile than Ahmed's cigarette stand!

At least if I get fuel and a couple of fruits I can have goose under glass in Mewmarket eh? Pressed or Orange?

Peace

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Morning, Mark.

That's quite a cheer up.

Darn teeth.

I was a bit deprethed. But the comment made me laugh.

Charles Gramlich said...

Egads, now you can't eat corn on the cob.

I saw some Canadian honkers fly by near our house the other day, at tree level. Beautiful animals. And man they are good eatin'

Don't tell Lana I said that, though. She might disown me.

htytp://www.creativewriting.ca said...

Oh yeah.

Lana's from Canada!

htytp://www.creativewriting.ca said...

Oh yeah.

Lana's from Canada!

Anonymous said...

For Immediate Release: Tuesday May 27 2008
Attention: Editorial
Contact: 289-221-0928

Headline – Trust account set up for fire victims
A trust account has been set up by the Poverty Action for Change Coalition to assist two families displaced by a fire that engulfed two town homes located in Newmarket’s Mulock Village located west of Bathurst St and Keith Ave.
The fire that affected the two families – one a single mom of 2 and the other a single mom of 5 - occurred while the mothers were at work and the children were at school so there were no injuries, however the displacement has caused them to incur some immediate hardships including staying temporarily at a hotel and needing food and clothing. Minimal insurance was carried by each and will not cover their complete losses or even be accessed for some time.

Cash donations can be made at any TD Canada Trust location – account # 3102-6302534.

For more information visit www.povertyacc.com under “get involved” or call 289-221-0928 after 6 PM.
Release by: TP Entertainment & Media.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Local stuff, Tom, but I'll re-post it here.

Josie said...

Ivan, can't you get it fixed? Goodness! You paid all that money!

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Josie,

Unfortunately, it was the work of an earlier dentist from Toronto.

And I had to eat a bar of hard baker's chocolate--because I wannet it!

benjibopper said...

it's gotta be a character-builder to become someone you used to make fun of.

i miss those canada geese. at york they were my daily welcome to the land of the living. then a colleague taught me their language - what all their body language means (as interpreted by mad wildlife scientist types). they can indeed be a might surly.

Dr.John said...

Did the goose get your cap? Why do you hate geese so much?
Does it something to do with your childhood?

ivan@#creativewriting.ca said...

Dr. John,

I've alway wanted to be a swan!

Everybody says ugly duckling.
"When ya gonna turn? You're scaring the geese."

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Benji,

Yep, it takes spell of being unwell to give you perspective.
Uh, assonance?

Donnetta Lee said...

Ivan, what is it with me and you and the dentist? I go to the ENT next week to check out a sinus cavity. Teeth hurt and dentist sees a growth/cyst in the sinus. More fun! I don't trust doctors of any kind any more! Thee what I mean!

Duck! Duck! Goose!

Donnetta

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Donnetta,

Feel for you, now that I'm starting to figure out what that kind of irritation must be like.

I am beginning to suspect all professionals are bad news....Hey, even us, "doctors of literature", trying to doctor somebody elses literature. Frauds? The job could be better done, probably, by your spouse or waitress--talent hides in the strangest places!

But dentists.
Ever since I developed tooth trouble this year, I nave kept losing teeth and feeling like hell.

Because of the dentition, my general health seems to have been going right down the crapper...but then I drink and ingest weird things, so that's probably a factor.
I have had robust health all my life and this sudden eneravation and lassitude leaves me tired an annoyed.
Chicken soup, I say!
My chicken, before I broil it, looks bluish.
Funny, I don't look bluish.
But bluish enough to really dig chicken soup.
My relatives by marriage certainly had somethiing there.
...I am drinking quarts and quarts of milk besides the alcohol.
Must be calcium replacemant, or something.
Wish you the best with that nasty cyst thing.

the walking man said...

Ivan, I just went for the first time and read "Dumpster Diving"...I think it was a part of my comp 101 class with Michelle of Michelle's Spells.

http://michellespells.blogspot.com/

Old man, that piece sent me in an entirely new direction way back when...2001.

Thanks

Peace

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Mark,

I'm flattered.

Don't have all the goodies on Michelle's Spell, but I guess she teaches.
There was a story going around that some of my work was used in classes at the Univerity of Ottawa; I searched around, but the course seemed to havedisappeared...Copyright?...I wouldn't have minded.
Some of my work has been reprinted in university magazines and the Reader's Digest.
Reader's Digest?
Hey, you can read me in the can!

Seems whatever you write is kept by some tally man in the sky. It never goes away.
MIchelle's spell, huh?

I had a look at her blog. Nice lady...Not just nice, but a looker.
Hey.

Anonymous said...

Ivan,

Another positive development in medical research:
Adult Stem Cells to treat ALS (UBC study).
See article at:

http://www.exacom.net/firstlibrary/Articles/Ontario Issues/Health/Drugs and bio research/Adult Stem Cells to treat ALS.htm

Or find link at FamilyCoalitionParty.com - Main page - half the way down, under: Most Recent Selected Articles.

Thanks.
Giuseppe Gori
Leader, Family Coalition Party of Ontario

http://www.creativewriting.ca said...

Thanks, Giuseppe.

I had a hard time accessing the site.

benjibopper said...

my great aunt used to love blended corn. she'd pop the dentures out and mow down.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Benji,

I swear the young teller at the bank was in love with me.

...Till I smiled.

Denature Sip said...


nice article, thanks
cari obat herbal utk ambeien luar
cari obat herbal buat ambeien luar
obat ambeien herbal buat ibu menyusui
obat ambeien herbal buat ibu yang menyusui

gantungan kunci said...

good planning*****************

ganci murah said...

thanks in advance*****************

souvenir said...

thanks for this article ***********************************

Art Jokja said...

pesan gantungan kunci akrilik
jual gantungan kunci akrilik
order gantungan kunci akrilik
harga gantungan kunci akrilik
kulakan gantungan kunci akrilik
produksi gantungan kunci akrilik
bikin gantungan kunci akrilik
bikin gantungan kunci akrilik
spesialis gantungan kunci akrilik
buat gantungan kunci akrilik

Art Jokja said...

jual gantungan kunci akrilik perusahaan
order gantungan kunci akrilik motor
harga gantungan kunci akrilik obyek
kulakan gantungan kunci akrilik unit
produksi gantungan kunci akrilik
bikin gantungan kunci akrilik unik
spesialis gantungan kunci akrilik jogja
buat gantungan kunci akrilik manten
cara pesan gantungan kunci
harga gantungan kunci
pesangantungankunciakrilikmurah
hargagantungankunciakrilikmanten
kulakangantungankunciakrilikmurah
bikingantungankunciakrilikperusahaan
buatgantungankunciakrilikhotel
pesan gantungan kunci akrilik sablon
jual gantungan kunci akrilik souvenir
harga gantungan kunci akrilik hotel
produksi gantungan kunci akrilik sablon
bikin gantungan kunci akrilik souvenir
pesan gantungan kunci akrilik resin
order gantungan kunci akrilik ultah
produksi gantungan kunci akrilik resin
bikin gantungan kunci akrilik ultah
buat gantungan kunci akrilik anime
pesan gantungan kunci akrilik grafir

Art Jokja said...

order gantungan kunci akrilik pilkada
harga gantungan kunci akrilik dealer
produksi gantungan kunci akrilik grafir
spesialis gantungan kunci akrilik pilkada
jual gantungan kunci akrilik print
order gantungan kunci akrilik promosi produk
kulakan gantungan kunci akrilik anime
spesialis gantungan kunci akrilik promosi produk
buat gantungan kunci akrilik dealer
bikin gantungan kunci akrilik
jual gantungan kunci akrilik unik
kulakan gantungan kunci akrilik full colour
produksi gantungan kunci akrilik print
spesialis gantungan kunci akrilik partai
gantungan kunci
pesan gantungan kunci
jual gantungan kunci
order gantungan kunci
harga gantungan kunci
produksi gantungan kunci
kulakan gantungan kunci
bikin gantungan kunci
buat gantungan kunci

Penjual Herbal said...

Penggunaan obat herbal gonore merupakan obat yang bagus untuk kesehatan. obat herbal gonore merupakan obat alami yang berkhasiat. Herbal untuk mengatasi problem pribadi dapat menggunakan obat herbal gonore . Masalah kesehatan yang berada pada daerah pribadi dapat diatasi dengan obat kutil di alat vital . Banyak orang yang malu jika berkaitan dengan penyakit ini, solusinya dapat dengan obat kutil di alat vital . obat kutil di alat vital ini tanpa harus anda ke dokter.

herbal gonore said...

Kondiloma akuminata dapat dihilangkan dengan obat kutil kelamin atau obat kutil di alat vital , bisa juga dengan obat kutil di alat vital atau obat kutil di alat vital. Selain obat tersebut ada juga obat penyakit gonore dan obat herbal gonore. Obat-obat tersebut obat gonore , obat herbal ambeien , dan obat kutil kelamin