Friday, August 15, 2008

The Olympic Topless-Bottomless Figure Skating Fellatio Championships.


WARNING:

Children and nice ladies should not read the blog that follows.

The blog was composed on the side of a paper bag on a full moon, when the author got drunk with a homeless person.

Admittedly, it is in bad taste and nowhere near politically correct.

So the author clears now his throat and goes on:.



A fat policeman caught me lying on a discared Salvation Army couch and the homeless guy relaxing in a grocery cart.

I couldn't help pointing at the homeles guy remarking, to the cop: "Is my bum bigger than yours?"

"You one of those gay guys?" The fat cop asked, shining his flashlight in my face?

"It's the brutality of the motorcycle boots," I giggled.

The result was a night in the drunk tank and the explanation,
"We had to get you and your disgusting friend off the streets."

"Well. It's summer and the young folks are gay."
"Into the back of the cruiser, asshole."

Well, here is me and the homeless guy. They conficcated his cell phone, bicycle and grocery cart "RV".


What made me share a bottle of vintage Bright's Catawba winne with the drunk in the first place was his comments on how to
resuscitate Canadas almost non-exitent medal record in the current Olypics.

"What we should have, said the bum, wiping his chin from where the Catawba had spilled,
"Is the Olympic Old Bboys' figure skating fellatio championships
"I mean, we've failed at almost every otherr Olympic event.

"I mean, how aboutTopless- Bottomless Figure Skating Fellatio Championships?"

Imagine Pelvis Stoko in full 69 with the aging Taller Bannister, gliding along under a mauve spotlight, singing show tunes.
And a disgraced Bare Naked Laddie playing backround music."


What is the matter with your brain?" I asked the homeless guy.

"Nothing wrong with my brain, I've got an IQ of l40 and the prison psychlogical assessment to prove it.
"But I failed the Minneapolis Mult-PhasialPersonality Assessment.

"Well, I guess!"

"Seriously," he said, taking another slug from his flat wine bottle, "We had become so politically correct in Canada that ineptitude and weakness have become virtues. Our athletes don't suck, but the process and the country somehow does.
We go back to their childhood years, find that they smoked pot at some time, and we cull the best from the field, leaving just the squeaky clean guys who don't always make scratch. You got to have been a bad guy somewhere, but Dick Poundoff doesn't see it that way."

"So that's why you recommend the male figure skating fellatio championships?" I was humouring him.

"Why not. On rollerblades, even.
"I mean it is no longer a secret that Canada mistakes degeneracy for virtue-- and no virtue at all in the Olympics.
You got to be good at something to be in the Olympics. Canada aims for being good at nothin'.. .Only here and there is there
real competition. Like the last time they featured Bowling for Welfare. Top scorer gets fist month's welfare cheque right up front.

"So if we're going to have a Fall of Rome and not Pride of Rome, why not the figure skating and fellatio championships. Then we can have real gay pride.

We can find out once and for all wheter Toller is smaller or Pelvis is stoked.
....................

It is small wonder that we both spent the night in the drunk tank.

I think my friend sobered up in the middle of the night.

"What kind of a place did you take me to? I saw Fitzgerald and Fitzjohn in the can. Disgusting.

"Or maybe Olympic material for the new championships?

"Hey. Build it. They'll come.

##







23 comments:

Lana Gramlich said...

Hey now, are you forgetting about curling? *LOL* (No offense, but personally I don't find the Olympics anything to get all excited about. I'd be a happier camper if it were abolished altogether, but I'm nonconformist that way.)

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

I must say the Olympics are exciting this year, but curling? Watching paint dry.

the walking man said...

Too damn funny Ivan. Canada should stick to conquering the musical tastes of the American market. There is no suckage there.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Yep. Everybody was down on our Sheila Copps, former culture minister, but she knew how to put the rockin' boys forward. Canda rocks.
If we'd only had her to promote new literature!
Another year, anoher Canadian novel.
And they're all such dogs.

Charles Gramlich said...

Canada could do well if beer drinking was an olympic sport. At least from my limited time there.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Yes, Charles.

Molson's Muscle.

....But hey, our lady wrestler just he gold.

Ye gods. I should have added Topless, Bottomless, Rller-skating Wrestlers!

But, still, a champ is a champ.

Finally! Struck gold in lady wrestling.

(I'm trying to keep a straight face).

Aaron said...

"I mean it is no longer a secret that Canada mistakes degeneracy for virtue-- and no virtue at all in the Olympics.
You got to be good at something to be in the Olympics. Canada aims for being good at nothin'.


Hobos and wine bottles are a conduit for truth at times. I think Jesus knew this.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Well Aaron, you no babe.

But from the mouth of babes!

I have achieved more when down and out.

Even recently. The wobble before the quantum leap.

You too, I guess. Maybe 'cause life gave you a good bang before thirty.

Donnetta Lee said...

Ivan: Such fond memories you have. Are you happier making the memories or remembering what you made?
Donnetta

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Donnetta,

Cassandra tells the truth.

And maybe even a warning.

I am on some sort of strange roll.

...Love ya madly.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Hey, do you need to satirize to get action? Lookie here:


Gold, silver, bronze medals for Canada
August 16, 2008

Comments on this story (36)


Jim Byers

STAFF REPORTER


BEIJING–After a week-long drought, Canada won three Olympic medals within an hour, picking up a gold, silver and bronze at the 2008 Beijing Games.

Tonya Verbeek of Grimsby, Ont., is the latest in a string of Canadians to win a medal, grabbing a bronze in the 55 kg women’s wrestling event shortly before 5:30 a.m. local time.

Verbeek, who won a silver medal in wrestling in Athens, defeated Sweden’s Ida-Theres Nerell 1-0, 1-0 for the medal.

A few minutes before 5 p.m. local time, 27-year-old wrestler Carol Huynh won Canada’s first gold medal with a crushing win in the 48 kg category.

About 20 minutes before that, the men’s rowing pair of Dave Calder and Scott Frandsen grabbed a silver medal at the Olympic rowing course.

Huynh, the daughter of Vietnamese immigrants, came out strong against her Japanese opponent and started scoring right away. When it was over, she bent over in tears of disbelief.

In the stands, Canadian fans who were no doubt relieved waved Canada’s flag back and forth and shouted in support.

Huynh, who trains in Calgary, earned a spot in the women’s 48 kg wrestling final with a couple wins Saturday morning. She came out strong against Japan’s Chiharu Icho and the match was almost never in doubt as she posted a 4-0, 2-0 win.

Huynh won a gold medal at the Pan American Games last year and a bronze at the world championships in 2005.

After winning her first career Olympic medal, Hunyh ran over to hug coach Leigh Vierling. He put the 27-year-old on his shoulders to carry her around the China Agricultural University Gymnasium as Huynh proudly held up a Canadian flag.


She wiped away tears as O Canada was played after the medal presentation.


“I was just thinking how proud I am to be Canadian,” Huynh said. “And I was just thinking about the road to how I got here. It’s been a long one but a good one.”

Jo said...

The most amazing event at the Olympics was watching a 38 year-old Romanian woman win the women's 26 mile marathon. It was much more amazing than watching (yawn) Michael Phelps win yet another gold.

When the Romanian woman ran into the arena miles ahead of her opponents, you could feel her excitement. I'll bet no one in North American is even aware of it.

ivan@creativewritrng.ca said...

I saw her on TV.

Roumanians speak a kind of Latin to this day.

Rome never dies!

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

P.s.

I have mixed opinions on Michael Phelps.

What blogger Donnetta, who is an educator, might find interesting is that Phelps is dyslexic.
Teacher told him he'd never amount to much.
Well. I guess talent and the killer instinct take many forms.

eric1313 said...

You're still here???

Oh well, the world's loss is our gain.

I haven't forgotten about any of you.

btw--the nastier and more politically incorrect, the better. Leave decency for the people with nothing better to think about.

You obviously have a lot of better things to think about that that!

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Hey man!

Where ya been?

...Or like Steve Urkel might have said..."On the moon?"

Oh-oh. I hear through the grapevine, (probably unreliable) that Steve Urkel has given up an is on drugs. Iguess the Skeezix kind if guy is over. Everybody looks ghetto now.. No drape shape at all. Pants like sacks.And jackests like Afghan ewoks.

...And here I've been wearing red suspenders, my pants hiked way up, two-tone shoes, and trying to be Steve Urkel.

Closest I can get is watching the Olympics. Hey, the Man from Nantucket look is in...Or am I spoofing my own blog?


We're al still here with the exception of She'sawriter, who has gone on to a different project in writing; I forget what.

People been asking about you."Where is Eric1313?" asks Liz, and Donnetta, and Josie and even JR.

Welcome back to the House of Blue Lights.

...Or have I drunk too many Molson Blue Lights?

Jeez, there's going to be some life around here now.

Middle Ditch said...

Ah the wonderful Olympics where each country can boast how many medal winners they have produced. WHAT???? The country produced???????

Each and every one of those poor souls struggled and worked damned hard to get there and the country gets the glory?????????? Jeez!!!!!!!

Sorry about my absence Ivan. Hubby home and hogging the computer.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

No prob, Monique.

I somehow feel I owe you one, certainly a scipt offer o Middle Ditch, but I am bedevilled by computer problems and face it: Insanity on a full moon.

Something else counries get rich on: insanity.There is no cure so the docctors and medical systems continue to grow rich. Like with cancer.
Well. Don't we in Canada like to ape the British aristocracy? just got a gold in show jumping.

Yep. The Millars and the other horse trainers work hard and the country gets the emoluments.

Petty soon we'll get so hoity-toity we'll be using words like emoluments). And how much money and time the teams had to invest).

ea said...

Enjoyed your post, Ivan! Your warning made me want to read on. ;-)

You can out Steinbeck old John!

Welcome back Eric1313!

~Liz

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Gee. All the Quarks (we like-minded types)-- are back. Even Eric 1313...(Pam absent because of vacation).
Me out-Steinbeck old John?

This, no doubt, will be immediately conuntered by Josie, who absolutely adores Steinbeck. :)

Well, Steinbeck and I have one thing in common. We both dropped out of high school before going on to university.

But he had power, sometimes mythical power. I am thinking of his old novel, To a God Unknown.

Take that, genre writers!

benjibopper said...

still crazy after all.

no surprise to find wisdom in a homeless guy with a high iq and a personality disorder.

but, call me PC, i think the universal healthcare is worth the price of sucking at the olympics.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Hi Bemji.

I see all those TV ads, singers of all stripes,praising Ontario.

And all the while, I think they are praising a smoke-free hell.

And lately with the huge explosion of a propane facility on the nort end of the city, resuting of hundreds of homes being seared, I wonder if Ontario is all that smoke-free even.
I think I want to live in Nova Scotia!

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