Sunday, October 19, 2008
101 uses for dead cats.
My first encounter with the man in the hoodie and scythe came thirty years ago.
I had picked up my children at my former wife's home, was going to Toronto wirth them, where I lived. Along was my knockout girlfriend from California, and whe wanted to go shopping witth the kids an all. She was good with them.
Well at first I said fine, fine, but then a sudden shiver seized me as I looked at the red Exit light over the subway doors.
In the doorway was the dude. He seemed to enter, robe flutterimg. scythe almost caught just under the exit sign overhead. "Scrooge come to collect, Motherf*cker."
The moment came, I suppose, when the noise of he car, the lights, the lit ads, the mammoth drinking and pill taking, had finally cumulated. Anxiety attack. And with the fatigue and the separation. Angst. "You've dug your last hole, mole!. You're under control!.
"Your death cometh as the end.
"The glamorous job, the women, the fancy f*cking.
"You're dead meat."
Dead meat indeed, as I faced my glamorous, almost innocent girlfriend, who wanted to go shopping. Us and the kids.
I was immobilized. Face a mask. Who am I?...And a few moment afterwards, Loren indeed asks, "Who are you?"
I did not know.
The hooded guy could have come frrom a recruiting poster, out of Russia or America, or England.
Cripes.This was serious businesss. I would have to take Loren and the children to the home of friend. He too had kids and would be glad to have us, since his own kids would like the compny of my tykes.
He was also my unofficial analyst.
"It'll never be over. The guilt, the self-loathing.
"Believer me, I know. I too took the suitcase and walked, sort of walked to New Orleands, away from my wife, like Fats Domino in the song."
The kids play in Morris' yard. Morris' second wife and Loren are talking together.
Morris and I are talking together.
"It may have just been an anxiety atack after all the storm and stress.
I relaxed a little.
"That or it may indeed be the man with the scythe. You can die of a midlife crisis."
There is a pause.
" But it was death. Death, man. Death come callin'
"But then you and I are about the same. Romantics to the end In a wheel chair, wondering, ideating, what it's all about. Does the universe vibrate in A-minor?
To the end."
Well, this morning I felt the robed guy's bad breath again.
He come callin'.
What's it for t for this time? I have repented.I have become as a monk. There is no more guilt.
"You think your paltry repentance will do? it is all nirvana. It is universal. Nirvana. It blows."
" But my visit was meant for you."
But then his cell phone rang. Death with a cellphone?
"Yes?" He put the cell down.
"You are one lucky MoFo.
He saw me sigh with relief.
"But I'll get you next time, Mother*ucker
As I know he will.
We get these warnings, these personal symbols.
Ad what do they mean?
Nirvana. It blows.