Wednesday, October 22, 2008

A crapulent blog



Most of us ethnics find ethnic jokes funny, never mind the politically correct crowd..

And so many of my friends in Manitoba were Cree aboriginals. We bantered back and forth. I would say Louie was my faithful Indian companion. Louie would take a line out of a country song, and say things to me like "I love you for the little garlic snapper that you are."

So with a whiff of the old Ukrainian national flower, I will proceed witth an ethnic joke that really describes my condition right now.
I am very much like the fabled constipated Indian chief.

Blocked for seven days. Can't pass a thing. TMI, I know, but when my doctor talks of cat scans to see if they can find the obstruction, I get very worried.

So I go to ethnic humour. There is at least some relief there.

One day there was an Indian chief who was constipated. he sent one of his swarriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine.
The warrior says "Big Chief, no shit".

The doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chief should be fine tomorrow.

The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill.

The next morning, the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor with the information "big chief, no shit".

The doctor now gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the chief.

The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's house yet agains aying, "big chief, no shit".
The doctor gets annoyed and so gives thewarrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief. The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor (AGAIN):

"Big shit, no chief".




Ah, war always comes when you're not ready.

The maintenance guys are working on my bathroom.
Please, Mr. Custer. I don't want to go...And in any event, I can't even go.... But what if I have to, suddenly, and the plumber is bent over his plunger, his pants halfway down to expose a Jiggs The Plumber cheekiness...Well, plumber, If I have to go, you'll just have to get out of the way, cheekiness and all...and your cigarettes falling out of the short sleeve fold in your tee shirt....And I need not only a dump but cigarettes too.

I think very soon, this old big chief will shit, but I know not the time or the place.

Actually I worry about my condition. The doctor says, Big Chief better watch it. If this goes on for three more days, it's cat scan to see where the blockage is. Cat scan? There's radiation there. My relatves in Chernobyl already glow in the dark.

Please, Mr. Custer. I don't want to go.!
But if no shit, big chief here will have to go. Cat'll get your scan.

Kinda doing the Roadrunner Coyote here, me and the plumber on the edges of Cancer Gulch.

The answer is probably more prosaic.

Face it, one is full of it.

Where is Rabelais and his works, and his entreaty for communal relief?

I'd even take corollary relief, whatever the hell that means, or how you pronounce it. And I should know. I have been divorced. But now the King is really off his throne.

King Korol-- big chief-- no shit.

Scary when the undertaker's wife is sort of sizing you up on your way to the public john.

##


Note: I think my template has gone haywire. A number of comments did not make it in, including the latest from Midnight and Anonymous.

Jeez. When it rains, it pours.

21 comments:

Charles Gramlich said...

Jokes aside, that can be very unpleasant. I hope things come out well in the end.

*sorry, had to add that last line.*

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Ah,

In Mexican Spanish, Despues!

Anonymous said...

sounds like you're just about approaching the "Tsar Bomba" stage...

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Yep.

Nikita Khruschov: We will bury you!

ref.

Tsar Bomba (Царь-бомба), literally "king Bomb", is the Western name for the RDS-220 hydrogen bomb (codenamed "Иван" (Ivan) by its developers) — the largest, most powerful nuclear weapon ever detonated.

They're going to put me in the movies.
They're gonna make a big Tsar out of me!
Barr-oom!

Lana Gramlich said...

Feel better (& lighter) soon.

Anonymous said...

Ivan...what a hell of a scenario thus painted...consider,all and sundry are now on the edge of their seats,awaiting the instant of your big dump...how will you announce this momentous occasion?...

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Lana,

Thanks.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Not like George Carlin on 50 Words.

Can't say I don't give a shit.

Carlin asks. "How come nobody ever says 'take a shit?'"

Well George, here's my first dump ( I hope) for about a week.

Reminds me of my mother's tale of the old Ukrainian lady at the doctors:
Doctor says, "Do you pass wind?" Ukrainian lady says, "No, I never walk in the wind."
"Do you pass a stool?"

"Why would I pass a stool. I prefer sitting down."

Doctor gets exasperated. "Do you fart, Ma'am?

"Oh yes."

Do you crap?"

"You mean shit, why, I do".

"Then you are well, and get out of my office."

ivan said...

MY COMMENT SPACE HAS GONE HAYWIRE.

More comments in, but not registring.

--ivan

Donnetta Lee said...

I hope you will have a very moving experience soon. D

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Ahhghhh!

the walking man said...

Call the plumber back and greet him at the door in your pink shorts! He may offer you the use of his plunger. Aha aha ahahahaha ahaha haha ahaa

Ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Mark,

Never trust a naked plumber.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "101 uses for dead cats.":

And no, that wasn't a joke. On C's site, the comments seem to be off, and here, they wouldn't preview, and gave only a Name/URL choice, saying, URL is incorrect. Had to dick around for 10min. Probably just temporary.


Midnight

benjibopper said...

i think it's blogger, it's changed it's comment box. those internet geeks love change.

you getting enough fibre, ivan?

coincidentally, stephen cobert just made a joke that john mccain mentions joe the plumber so ofter he must be addicted to crack.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Anonymous at 8:23 a.m

Midnight phoned in, in so many words to tell you to stoop dicking around with his call sign.

Either stay "anymomousz", or don't use "midnight" as a monicker.

...Sometimes I get confused as a webhost.
No wonder the Toronto Telegram once fired me as an editor. :)
Anyway trying to keep peace in the "family".

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Benji,

Yeah. Fibre.

I used to know these things about health, but seem to have forgotten them.

Into the Quaker Oats now.

Yeah, that Stoephen Colbert is one funny MoFo.

...Forget how it went, but he said the original Cain went to "off"
a brother.

Wow. That's risky. :)

Anonymous said...

don't know which anonymous [person] is being referred to,but it ain't me...haven't posted a thing since asking you how you will announce your momentous dump... whosoever is cheesed off,back off...it ain't me...and I'm still anonymous...

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Anonymous,

Definitely not you, Tony.

I think it was a spillover from a commentator on anothr blog, a political one, on which Midnight frequently commen.ts.

Or, likely a goodgle brain fart with all the changes to the comment boxes of late.

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