Thursday, October 09, 2008

Lost my blog. Lost my mind. Here it comes from swiss-cheese memory.

I think it's the way I type.

Hit the wrong key and lost the entire blog. Not only that, but my compute has crashed.

So here is all you get, from memory, and I can hardly stomach the drivel myself. Not time to edit. I am frustrated annoyed and now thirsty. Don't you hate it when you get that way?

What I remember of the blog:

I thought I would be a fancier of cheese, that is to say, sort of crafty. I have lost alll my photo images from my file, but it seems that some of the gif numbers can still be accessed. Where there might be numbers there might still be pictures? Just as I get this flash, my computer crashes. Well, one has to stay uh, Krafty.

I would now have to go to the library, try to remember the image I wanted through my recollection of the gif numbers on my picture file; I would remember the image I wanted up on this blog and then go to the library computer and put it up on blog....Yeah, yeah. You are probably wondering how it is that I think. I used to have something like a phtographic memory, but after a bout of hippiedom, it's sort of like Cheech and Chong's "Daves not home."

So I am a space cowboy, imageless in Gaza, very nearly a blogless serf. Oh. Whoops. Here comes something. It's Cleopatra. Well, what the hell. I'll take the image. Any image. What can you do?

"What can you do when you live in a shoe?" I ask my friend the drug dealer.
"Button it up and get laced," he says.

"Goddamn jailbird. No-account. Ne'er do well!"
"Yeah, but didn't I meet you at the halfway house?" he laughed.

Oh what the hell. I am a novelist. Well, at least a novelist-manque'. Wannabee- had- to- be. Looking up at the stars. Falling into wells and cesspits. And halfway houses.

Among the filthy, filthy too.

My intention in life was to have been lucky and wonderful.
The way it turned out, I was Ethelred the Unready,one of the dumbest kings of England.

Ah well. My pretentions to royalty had to be scaled down.

Perhaps I could be a writer of doggerel.

"He was dirty and lousy, and full of fleas
"But he had his women by twos and threes
"God bless the bastard king of En-gel-and."

Well the dirty and lousy and full of fleas part is true right now. Something is seriously eaing away at me, probably because they have turned off the water in my builking for two days becaue of a boiler blow-up.

I think I have blown my own stack.

I swear Microsoft is designed to make you go mad. Or maybe take the next step and buy a Mac.
...It's all done with economic mirrors, it seems and not windows.

"You got your health," says my former dentis friend.
Yeah? And where are my teeth?

Usually, when my professional friends say "You got your health", you are fubar, beyond help.

Actually, at the time, I was free, white and 51, no spring chicken.
And a nightclub singer to largely black audiences.

"Play that funky music, white boy." Had everything but melanin. "Rock star with frequent trips to the washroom, as is the way of seniors. Lol.

We go through life in a dream, like automatons, somewhow. The talent seems to come from way out there somewhere. All things come from God. First tenet of the Kaballah; no wonder Madonna is so enamored with it.

Yeah, but Madonna's got talent.

Well, anyway, here am I peacfully ratscrabbing away in the library.

"Can I have more computer time?"
"You'll have to show me your library card."

"But I've got enough notoriety not to need one...Like the lady at the opera said, 'I have a special box.'"

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing. I just thought I had enough notoriety not to need a lirary card."

"You've got the notoriety, all right. Now show me your library card."

I have a friend whose credit rating and personal reputation is so bad that he had to go to a lawyer to get back his library card...Now that's a persona non grata. Needed a lawyer. I'd hate to look up his credit rating.

There was a time when I'd walk into a library and everybody would almost salute.

I was published all over.

Nowadays, it's more like Tom Swift and his electric vibrator... Yeah. I go out with the stragest women..

Nowadays more like Alexander Pornoy.

And in some sort of time warp.

I am back in a l938 world of Tom Swift and his Silent Airplane.

Silent all right. Haven't published a thing in years, save maybe for some journalism.

The librarian knows I have acquired the look of a loser.

"Are you sure you have a library card, or something with your name on it?"

So I gave the librarian my Air Miles card. Then my receipt for somethin nasty and off-colour from Wal-Mart. "No. try again."

I fumble and find only a rejection slip from House of Anansi Press.

I have obviously lost the culture derby. Now comes the short-hair count.

"Driver's licence?
An envelope with your name on it?"

Well, the rejection letter was sent to my address.

And I did have an expired driver's licence.

Cop told me to renew it. Told cop I didn't have the eighty bucks.

"These things are sent to try us," said P.C. Murphy, and let me drive on, since there were no demerit poins on his file, where the licence showed clear on the computer.

Lately, I have been fancying myself as Irish, since they are so much like me. A little spacey, and tending to drink.

The librarian finally issued me a card.

"You're losing your poetic licence, " she winked.

"I know."


Lana Gramlich said...

You don't seem to have lost your blog...I see "previous posts" listed on the sidebar. Sorry about the computer crash, though. That's why I back things up & print them out almost religiously. :(

Charles Gramlich said...

You lost me at "Madonna has talent."

Monique said...

It never rains but it pours with you. Poor you, to lose everything. Back up and YES buy a Mac. Those microsoft programmes are designed to make money and you to lose it. Macs are costly but worth every cent in the end. My Mac I use for my work and is not connected to the internet (too old for broadband, perfect for dial up) is now about 15 years old and in very good working order. (touch wood now I have said that).


Hey send me a wall post on Facebook. Love to hear from you there too. said...


Yep. Blogs, at least, do have permanence no matter what happens to your computer.

I think I fixed it almost by osmosis.

God idea to have back-up.
Saves the hair pulling. said...



Facebook is like my computer.

I doesn't seem to understand what I'm telling them; they keep addressing me as Ivam and not Ivan.

Goes bad from there.
When I insist on telling them I am ivan an not Ivam, they tell me I have lost my cookies
What else is new?

I just don't seem to be able to register anything on Facebook.
And I know you've been wanting me to go onto your facebook site for some time. Sorry dear. said...


It is my opinion that Madonna heap smart. And even talented.

She owns everybody's record label, even our own Alanis Morisette's --who is talented.

ea monroe said...

Ivam, you're a blast! ~Liz said...



Bob said...

I do so miss my mind. Lost it some time back. Wonder where it is? Where what is? D said...

Well, if we were to believe in a sanctuary of Mark Rothko, the abstract expressionist, it is in some quiet place, like a chapel, contemplating eternity.
But then so does a rock. Or the ruins of some historic place like Knossos.

But as in the dialogue between Bishop Berkeley and the philosopher David Hume, no matter never mind. said...


Hi Donnetta

the walking man said...

I have a library it when I wanted cheap rent on movies. Never used it, now it's expired. I suppose it's ok that it's no longer valid since the neighborhood library's are closed due to budget constraints.

It is a fine thing when the memory jogs around the holes in the cheese and hits on something that has some actual nutritional value. Just watch the cholesterol old man. said...

You know, you got somehing there, Mark.

Satchel Paige use to say, "Avoid fried foods..walk with a slow, rolling gaint, and don't look back. Somethin[ might be chasin' you.

Anonymous said...

just because you're paranoid,doesn't mean you're not being followed..."are all your papers in order,Mr.Prokopchuk?...we need to know what your intentions are...why are you out on the street walking? you own any books?...our uniforms are black because we worries...all in all,you're just another brick in the wall..." said...


Doing the Cockroach Man.

"Stop crawling up there along the ceiling, Gregor Samsa. You're scaring the boarders.

Have you ever read the comic book version of Metamorhosis by R. Crumb?

LIke Malathion: It's a gas! said...

p.s. to anonymous.

Kafka said the impersonal gods who rule us usually show a trail of legal documents.

Geez. I just got a legal document from my landlord.

Pay up or you don't live here no mo', MoFo.

Paranoia will destroy ya.

Goood gauge of reality.

Gregor Samsa doing the Bug Man.

Me doing the hucklebuck in the mirror.

Oh, I'm so cool. If my wife could only see me now. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm just a plain ol' impersonal brick...without mortar,there is no life... said...


I'm just another *rick in the hall.

Anonymous said...

we're well on our way to "The Fly",part four,metamorphically,and metamorphosically speaking...what's the buzz,man? no attention to that man behind the curtain...I am the god of hell-fire,and I bring you fire...we sow,and then attempt to deny the existence of our crops...all along the watch tower,we saw, clearly, the destruction and ashes in the distance...warmth and sustenance numbed our senses,and we became the hunted............. said...

Well, I guess still pretty fly for a white guy. Got one of Moses' Zneimers blue movies on from City TV...And there are old ladies all round my apartment building. They can't run very fast.

For some time, I have feared I was not Franz Kafka with his metamorphosis, but alone in my room, more like Joe the Morph.

...I am avoiding word plays on Kafka's six-foot creation tha crawslu up on ceilings. :)

Anonymous said...

as long as you're quick enough to get the ladies,on the fly,in the end,so to speak... said...


But I no sooner get them into my carriage and drive away-- than a fly goes by...Just have to snag them with my long tongue...Old habits die hard when you're a prince who had been a frog.

Which sort of reminds me of Canadian poltics.

I swear I saw Stephane Dion going after a mayfly.

Whoops. We all have backkround problems.

And this is going into cyberspace.

It's a joke, a joke.

Stephane, I might even vote for you!

Anonymous said...

I shall not tread upon that hallowed ground...far better you discern butterfly from mayfly from gadfly...I'm the friendly stranger in the black sedan,I'll take you where you wanna go...I'm your vehicle baby............. said...

Who was that masked man?

Anonymous said...

Tonto Bernstein,but his friends call him Bubba... said...

Got that one from Eric Mercer, huh?

Well, I'd like to be Tonto Zal Yanovsky-Bubba.

But then he dead.

Well, stiff.

Donnetta Lee said...

Ivan, I'm leaving a comment just to see if "Bob's" name comes up instead of mine! Trying to get it to go away. Donnetta said...


You came through as Donnetta.

...I don't think you missed too much here. Just some ole musicians plinking cymbals and practising drum rolls in the great passtime known as farting around. said...

Came through all right as Donnetta.

...It's a good thing I know your e-voice. Bob couldn't say he was your uncle. :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Ivan:

Hope you are well and that your life has been pleasant lately. If you have any projects going on, my best wishes to them and to you.

I wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I'm starting something which I call "The Lighter Fluid Gang." It's nothing more than a faith in the complete truth, and it's a cause that I believe in deeply. I wrote a poem to go along with it and that poem is in this email, so please have a read if you like. This is not a literal "gang" obviously, and there's no membership requirements or anything. All you have to do is keep being the good person that you are.

Anyway, I'm having some buttons made up to go along with it, so if you want one please let me know. Thanks for listening. Stay the course.

Always my best,

The Lighter Fluid Gang

If you don't dig phonies
or frauds or fakes
If you see politically correct
as just many mistakes

If you think for yourself
and speak without slang
Then you're one of us:
The Lighter Fluid Gang

If you're honest and upfront
and say what you mean
If you walk the line straight
and play the game clean

If you're not full of crap
and still have some pride
Then this is your group
and this is your side

If you're just a nobody
A no one from nowhere
Yet still speak your mind
and still really care

Then you've got courage
in no small amount
This means you matter
This means you count

You may feel all alone
but that just isn't so
If you walk with us now
there's no telling where we'll go

All travelers are welcome
regardless of your position
All people, all races
One voice, one mission

Here then is our cause
Our sacred mandate
To convert the whole world
without malice or hate

We ask nothing so complicated
and nothing so tough
Just be truthful in life
That alone is enough

So that is our message
and that is our plan
To say what we think
and to help if we can

That's what we strive for
Our hopes on this hang
This is who we are
The Lighter Fluid Gang


Vincent Spada
9/19/08 said...

Vince Spada (above) seems to be a hipster. Yes. It's a new movement.

Anybody out there have any thoughts
on hipsters, young poeple who feel they are so ahead of the current social curve that they are not into anything that most people are into in 2008?...I mean just nothing but a cool breeze. said...

This blog will not cease from spotting new social trends or attitudes.

Here is something I stole from someewhere, to do with hipsterdom:

Yall. Don’t u hate how the Earth is getting hotter and the ice caps are melting more water into the ocean? Wonder if Spring Break will even happen if the beaches are flooded. It’s interesting how designers are meeting challenges of the future by providing ventilation within our clothing. Hopefully AmAppy/UrbOutfitties manages to integrate ventilation into their 2k10 fashion lines. It’s gonna be ‘hella hot’ when 2k10 comes around. Defs gonna suck pretty hard, but I’m confident that our designer-saturated workforce will come in handy by then. Everything will work out, yall. Have a lil faith.

Is ‘globy warmy’ ruining everything, or ‘helping us 2 think abt stuff with a critical mind? (kinda like a progressive high school history teacher)

Are GOLD shoes for ass holes?

Anonymous said...

great to see you still can elicit some semblance/symbol of "classical gas" see,after all,you really haven't lost a thing...drum roll,please,Ivam... said...


But I like my Oklahoma lady bloggers.

Hoyt Axton :
"Well I never been to Spain.
But I've been to Oklahoma."

Cheers out of Ontario beer.

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