Sunday, November 30, 2008

The virgin sturgeon....Surgeon? Do I need Freudian analysis?



Warning to nice ladies: The following copy contains scenes of prurience and immaturity. You may have to pause at the authors abysmal ignorance... You might even even yawn.

The majority of top fiction writers, male (with certainly the exception of top-sex scene writer John Updike) are people with high intelligence and low sexual drive. W. Somerset Maugham comes to mind. Or Gore Vidal.

This might posibly be (if you read Joe Orton at all) because the majority of top male novelists are outrightly queer. They're good becaue they're queer, it seems. Testosterone does not a good novel make.

Well, as a person with low intelligence and high sexual drive, it is small wonder that my novels haven't sold so well.
I might have to "turn" at once.

Captain of the stupid fooball team. No way.
This turn will be hard to execute.
You're a writer now, not an athlete.

And poets have more access to women than most athletes.
Even if you're not all that good as a lothario.
I mean, face it. You can be excused from being Didus Ineptus in bed if you have the mystique of the novelist or poet around you. You are special...Maybe even retarded?
Women are bountiful. They understand. They will show you not only how to use your left hand in poetry, but your right hand at making love. Woman is the poet's sister.
So this you know, as graduate poet and cad.

What am I going to do with this?
There will be a way.

Hm...This might all be TMI.

Well, take a burned-out alcoholic poet, have him meet a Blue Angel, and wow, do you have a story.
The professor, spoiled by women, used to not having to do anything at all--the woman willl initiate--suddenly meets a femme fatale whose sole mission in life, it seems, is to f*ck up an artist.
There are complex reasons for her behaviour, It might be Mother, whose lifelong indifference has caused the femme fatale to commit cruel atavistic acts, like squashing butterflies and hurting people emotionally. Cruel, generically beautiful, she can do this, again and again. Dickens shows her to us in Great Expectations.
Or she may have had a father whose affection for her was less than honourable.
Better to explain through a Bob Dylan line:

"Don't put on any more airs when you're down on Rue Morgue Avenue.
They got some hungry women there
And they'll really make a mess out of you."

And:

"Sweet Melinda
The poets call her goddess of the gloom
She speaks good English and will invite you to her room
And you're kinda careful not to go to her too soon

'Cause she'll take your voice
And leave you howlin' at the moon."

Well, along comes a burned-out poet, spoiled by women
who meets a femme fatale, the bug-squasher who very soon squashes the poet.
He is used to easy conquests, is cocksure, but he fails miserably.

Hey. This was not in the script. Why, of all times did the shift-lever mechanism not work this time?
Now you've got a problem She's got a problem: You. You have a problem. Her.

The psychologist Jung would say let it go;you should both ignore the awkwarkdness of the impasse.
The moment will come around again.

But the poet, a maniac in the first place, will become obsessed with this lapse. It will be all he thinks about. It will take him over. He will try again. And again fail.
His sexual performance, or lack of it will lead him to a kind of compulsion neurosis. He must now have this woman, only this woman, or he will die. Magnificent obsession.
Well, both will suffer damnably and neither can win.
"Stick to easy conquests, say Herodotus.
But it's too late for the poet to remember this. All his being is now awash alligator sperm.
Foxy chick. Gotta get!

Some men turn gay.
Others know that the male does eventually get there.
But so much patience, so much strategy.
Woody Allen. "There is nothing a man can do in the woman's power. Nothing. No way. The woman is more intuitive, and stronger."Even the dumbest one will not be taken advantage of sexually."
"But," says Allen, "They do fall in love". Then,one might add, they're f*cked.
But often it is the male who falls in love first, and, "What am I going to do with this?"
Biker chick will know what to do,but the femme fatale might say, "work it out for yourself." Then she goes to squash a bug. Or maybe you.
The man of experience knows that bad love from the git-go will not work. It will take months, perhaps years to resolve this.
F*ck this, he might say and go off in search for an easier conquest.
Transitional women. They're everywhere.

But there might be another more circuitous way.
It is in your hand. No, not that.
Write a book
Maybe it's what she wanted in the first place. And she as the heroine.

The lascivious instinct takes many forms.
Like the killer instinct.

You might even get her to stop squashing bugs.

It was a ladybug, mother, after all, wasn't it.
And she needed you to break the spell.

Some writer, that Dickens.
.

26 comments:

the walking man said...

Outstanding conclusion about Dickens. But I only have two words to say about poets as cocksure cocksmen...Charles Bukowski.

CONFESSION

waiting for death
like a cat
that will jump on the
bed

I am so very sorry for
my wife

she will see this
stiff
white
body
shake it once, then
maybe
again

"Hank!"

Hank won't
answer.

it's not my death that
worries me, it's my wife
left with this
pile of
nothing.

I want to
let her know
though
that all the nights
sleeping
beside her

even the useless
arguments
were things
ever splendid

and the hard
words
I ever feared to
say
can now be
said:

I love
you.


Near on his death bed when he wrote this, it only took him a lifetime to go to lose the testosterone; and that's bad because?

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Wow.

Thanks.

I stand again in awe of the rubby poet.

Charles Gramlich said...

The fact that Bukowski got laid regularly proves to me that I don't understand women. And maybe I'm pretty glad of that.

ivan@creati ewriting.ca said...

There is a theory that women love an alcoholic achiever.
Bukowski was certainly no doll.

JR's Thumbprints said...

"low intelligence and high sexual drive" you described my students!!! Even had a student named Lothario before.

JR's Thumbprints said...

Not "had" in the Gore Vidal sense, but then again, you already knew that. Didn't you?

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Hoo-Hah! :)

Donnetta Lee said...

Oh, I am just too Jung to know. D

ivan@creativeriting.ca said...

Fredulent!

Lana Gramlich said...

"Even the dumbest one will not be taken advantage of sexually."
I beg to differ. There's a plethora of insecure women all around these days, willing to do anything for validation. Fortunately (& to my credit,) I am not one of them.

http://www.creativewritng.ca said...

Yeah.

I kind of understand.

Do anything, anywhere with anybody--just not to be alone.

Monique said...

As a woman I have to protest and protest I will.

Femme fatal indeed.

Why do men always blame it on women??? It's the easy way out. The easiest I should say.

Crap!!

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Ah well,

It is refreshing to hear that ones writing is, ah, crapulent.
Ah well. Honest response.

Ones instictive response, but held in check:

Heh. Don't you know I am god?
Lightning will strike you!

Inside our hands, outside our hearts said...

Ivan,

What will we do with you?

Soft love,
T

ivan@creeativewriting.ca said...

Heh heh.

Hi Tara.

Jo said...

"Transitional women. They're everywhere."

Oh, gosh.

Here's a question. What's the difference between a transitional woman and a femme fatale? Is it all just in the eye of the beholder?

I have a feeling that most femme fatales are like Mildred in "Of Human Bondage". They are not only mean, they are really just tawdry and cheap. Somerset Maugham understood the femme fatale because he didn't see her with the eye of sexuality, he saw her for what she really was.

The "transitional woman" was Sally Athelny, who turned out to be the real woman, kind and loving, and whom Philip ended up marrying.

I have seen many men's lives wasted by the so-called "femme fatale", only to find out in later years that she was really just hollow and not worth the time or effort. That's when the real regret sets in. It was all for nothing.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

You'e hit on what I was trying to articulate, Jo.

Midnight said...

Life can be full of regrets.

But only if you have them.

Midnight said...

Can't remember which Master wrote this:

'No doubt , no hesitation
No regret , no expectation .'

('No expectation' meaning, that if you have one eye on the prize/victory, that only leaves just one other eye, on your present focus, in the moment.)

I believe it is a Samurai maxim, relevant to love, combat, and life.

ivan@creativewsriting.ca said...

Midnight,

Hey man, you're having a thoughtful early morning. What are we both doing up?

No fear.
(Speaking of Samurai)

The dragons and drunken monkeys may be in our heads, but we will not listen and forge on.

eric1313 said...

What ever will we do with you? You are incorrigible!

eric1313 said...

We are all writing our novels, have no fear of that.

It might take some time though, to work all these jitters out.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Eric,

Yeah. je suis maudit.

Yes, there are jitters when you start a novel.

Joiney of a thousand days kinda thing.
My jittters in the past over having to break the work, or it might break you.... I think a couple of times it did. So you write about the crackup. Hey. Material!

eric1313 said...

No kidding about that last bit!

If I can't find a story, then by God, the voice in the back of mt head will.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Voice of God to a father in a temple who had an errant son.

Funny thing. I too had a son!

chenmeinv0 said...

seattle seahawks jerseys
louis vuitton purses
ralph lauren outlet
ray ban sunglasses
hollister clothing
omega watches
coach factory outlet
louis vuitton outlet
giuseppe zanotti
mlb jerseys
20173.6chenjinyan