Saturday, December 06, 2008

Sounding like Roger Miller



Like many another alcoholic, chain smoker, and much overrated sexual acrobat (I wish!) I've decided I have to slow down.

Cross-addicted, nervous wreck, a Bukowski without the major talent, I am trying to control the tremblling of my hands as I hover over the keyboard.

I am at the age when I still dream of being shot by a jealous husband at ninety--and that's not to far off--and I still have lady companions, though they are now retired window washers and some a bit arthritic and they can't run very fast. Good, I say. All the better to catch ya.
I used to keep a parrot for my employer, the place was too busy and greasy,
Had to bring him back A very old parrot, almost as old as me.."Put him in the office, away from the machines and wworkers," I told my boss "That bird is obscene! "
Sample of the old bird's parrot talk:.

"My name isn't Polly, it's Sam.
And I don't want a cracker. I want a BJ."

(Oh-oh. I think I'm going to lose my "general interest" rating, suitable for young adults. Ah well, they all seem to talk that way on Main Street now.I am being corrupted by the young).

Seriously, though, I do have to cut down some of my bad habits, for I might soon not be able to drink, smoke, or even try to chase women, some with canes. If I don't cut down, I might have to give up all these activities, which is unthinkable.

You have gotten this far because you have been a bad bastard, maybe that's why you have lived so long.
Crunchy granola, working out, abstinence and smoke- free, will kill you dead.

Smoking is a great enemy of Alzheimers, I have learned.
And drinking is a great enemy of he blues.

I mean, have you ever seen the Alzheimer guy chain-smoking, holding court in a bar, being a raconteur, woman-chaser, constructing great novels over the arborite and the taps, blowing smoke like a miniature dragon? Never.
He's become the very model of our party-pooper Province which now does not allow smoking in bars, and they are presently on tthe way to limiting alcohol.

Prohibitionists all. They want us to become like the Alzheimer guy.
They want us all to become vegetables. Maybe that's why the Queen's representative in Ottawa kicked them all out of parliament for fighting. "And you can't come back till the new year."
I have never met a wino with Alzheimers. Sleeps in the snowstorm next to his grocery cart.And "F-you!"

But it really is a time to slow down. Three beers these days and I belch, eat up evrytihng in the house and fall asleep.
My penis droops.

It is seriously a time to cut down.
But cut down to what?

Hell, it is the alcohol that maintains your optimism. The cigarettes give you an euphoric high that Howard Healthcare simply has no idea of.
It makes you write stuff like this--which may be another vice to cut down on.

Small wonder I used to like Roger Miller in the old days.

"Dang me."

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

VIP PASS - You Are Invited
Grand Opening Party! Sat Dec 6

Tp Entertainment & Hour Glass Entertainment presents


Over 30’s Nights 1st Sat of each month “Upstairs” at the Fox & Fiddle

DJ & Dancing, Entertainment, Finger Foods, Fully Licensed, Theme Nights!

7pm - 9pm - retro music / entertainment / food – ALL plus 30’s welcome

9pm – Over 30’s Singles Dance DJ until 1 am - Cover $12.00 - $7.00 after 9pm

446 Davis Drive Newmarket – E of Main – Back Door “Upstairs” at “The Fox”

Present VIP PASS and receive $5.00 Off! VIP offer good for Grand-Opening

RSVP for 7-9 PM seating appreciated tpearson61@rogers.com 289-221-0928


10 % proceeds donated to PACC

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Whoops!

That'll teach me to sit home drinking and miss the party.

Ah. "Dave's not home".

benjibopper said...

i think you might enjoy a story i just wrote about two teminal cancer patients: one a clean-living pacifist whose husband beat her, the other a very angry bitter bukowski type who loves christmas ham, booze and smokes. one wants to die soon and the other wants to drag it on as long as possible. neither gets their wish.

my great-aunt was a chain smoker and now has alzeimers. she stopped smoking when she lost her memory. she forgot she was addicted. true story.

benjibopper said...

ps. good luck with rehab!

ivan@creativeriting.ca said...

Benji,

Ha ha ha ha ha.

I guess I sort of let it out that I should probably be in rehab.

Sobered up his morning and took a ten mile walk in the snow.

Jaysus, what was this blog about anyway?
Will change to a cheerier one straight off.

Uh,
Cheers.

the walking man said...

Long have I smoked. I suppose that in the end when they pull my tar encrusted lungs from my body and take text book photos of them I may regret the lifetime habit; 'til then I have no time for regrets. No time for reform other than that which comes in the day to day reminisces of "what the fuck was I thinking, drinking a fifth and smoking two packs yesterday?" {a hangover will do that to ya'}

If one is to avoid insanity then the first carom should be off the bank of sanitation, a bit o' dirt a home makes. (sorry Edgar Guest)The brain needs the bacteria to feed the mind which wards off the evil peril of dementia.

ivan@creativewritiing.ca said...

It has been said, curiously, that a bit of smoke keeps off the harmful bacteria, and strangely, second hand smoke makes those around you more resilient to some bugs.

Maybe the Indians knew something.

eric1313 said...

I love the black spot on my lungs. I named it Ralph.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Eric,

Cigarettes have been making me ralph lately, but I gotta stop hanging around Indian reservations.

I think they make the smokes out of Kentucky Blue or something.

Burns out the old lungs.

Blogger said...

VaporFi is the best electronic cigarettes supplier out there.