Saturday, December 06, 2008
Sounding like Roger Miller
Like many another alcoholic, chain smoker, and much overrated sexual acrobat (I wish!) I've decided I have to slow down.
Cross-addicted, nervous wreck, a Bukowski without the major talent, I am trying to control the tremblling of my hands as I hover over the keyboard.
I am at the age when I still dream of being shot by a jealous husband at ninety--and that's not to far off--and I still have lady companions, though they are now retired window washers and some a bit arthritic and they can't run very fast. Good, I say. All the better to catch ya.
I used to keep a parrot for my employer, the place was too busy and greasy,
Had to bring him back A very old parrot, almost as old as me.."Put him in the office, away from the machines and wworkers," I told my boss "That bird is obscene! "
Sample of the old bird's parrot talk:.
"My name isn't Polly, it's Sam.
And I don't want a cracker. I want a BJ."
(Oh-oh. I think I'm going to lose my "general interest" rating, suitable for young adults. Ah well, they all seem to talk that way on Main Street now.I am being corrupted by the young).
Seriously, though, I do have to cut down some of my bad habits, for I might soon not be able to drink, smoke, or even try to chase women, some with canes. If I don't cut down, I might have to give up all these activities, which is unthinkable.
You have gotten this far because you have been a bad bastard, maybe that's why you have lived so long.
Crunchy granola, working out, abstinence and smoke- free, will kill you dead.
Smoking is a great enemy of Alzheimers, I have learned.
And drinking is a great enemy of he blues.
I mean, have you ever seen the Alzheimer guy chain-smoking, holding court in a bar, being a raconteur, woman-chaser, constructing great novels over the arborite and the taps, blowing smoke like a miniature dragon? Never.
He's become the very model of our party-pooper Province which now does not allow smoking in bars, and they are presently on tthe way to limiting alcohol.
Prohibitionists all. They want us to become like the Alzheimer guy.
They want us all to become vegetables. Maybe that's why the Queen's representative in Ottawa kicked them all out of parliament for fighting. "And you can't come back till the new year."
I have never met a wino with Alzheimers. Sleeps in the snowstorm next to his grocery cart.And "F-you!"
But it really is a time to slow down. Three beers these days and I belch, eat up evrytihng in the house and fall asleep.
My penis droops.
It is seriously a time to cut down.
But cut down to what?
Hell, it is the alcohol that maintains your optimism. The cigarettes give you an euphoric high that Howard Healthcare simply has no idea of.
It makes you write stuff like this--which may be another vice to cut down on.
Small wonder I used to like Roger Miller in the old days.