Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Madly defending ChuckerCanuck's wife



Heaven forbid I should read a Canadian Conservative blog, but somettimes I do. I find "ChuckerCanuck 2.O" one hell of an intellect, and he is even funny, something lacking, I think in Canadian Conservatives. He is also highly entertaining. To wit,

I married a Calgarian. She is a nutball. The other day, I caught her tossing an aluminum can into the garbage bin. "Fuck the planet," she sneered at me and then scurried under a couch where I could not reach her. She, like all Calgarians, hates queers and science. She loves the military and frequently prays that the military will take over the country to put a real leader in charge.

My in-laws, Calgarians all, make her look like a Quebec communist by comparison. They don't pay taxes and shoot at any tax collector who comes knocking. They started up a Museum of Intelligent Design in their garage and carbon-dated a dinosaur fossil that turned out to be - so they claim - only 5,000 years old. When they couldn't afford to support my wife's grandma, they put her in a crate and shipped her to "socialist Toronto where they give a crap about the old and infirm."

Things you take for granted in the rest of Canada simply don't exist in Calgary. Like traffic lights. Who the hell is a light to tell you whether to stop or proceed. Organic products are banned from city stores: you cannot purchase food unless that food has been genetically modified. Also, children are forced to take steroids in hopes of creating a master race that will one day take over the world.

Lastly:

Calgarians, as we all know, are the biggest proponents of targeted assasinations in Canada. Oh wait, targeted assasinations is a Michael Ignatieff policy, not a radically conservative idea! Scrub that.
Labels: Iggy would be a fine PM, Oh yes


To which I add on Chucker's blog:


Chucker,

As an epsilon- mini artist, I so identify with your wife and her anti-everything.
Hasn't it been cry "fraud" with all artists and writers for the past 100, years, that science is propaganda and a society of reason is hokum. that the Gaia hypothesis is Druidism? Artist know more than those scuba artists in the Calgary think tanks.
The Dadaists painting a moustache on the Mona Lisa, the Ludddites (me?)
Cubists, Symbolists, Marcel Duchamp's Nude descending a Staircase looking in her distortion for all the world like Newt Gingrich descending the staircase of the capitol!
Your wife must surely be a painter or poetess.
Yeah. Overload your wiring. Undeprivilege an African child, Put all the gays on Vancouver Island,say no to Dr. Suzuki, call Elizabeth May somebody's crazy aunt.
I think your wife might be an artist, and more power to her. :)


##

11 comments:

Charles Gramlich said...

There's a thin line between witty and insane perhaps. But you're both funny.

Donnetta Lee said...

Hmm. Well, that artwork is well--entertaining! Charles says witty/insane. How about insanely witty! D

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

That's cool, Donnetta,

I guess it saves me answering Charles' comment.

Midnight said...

Heh heh heh. I love it.

Here's the link.

Mona said...

You must be, what they call, the Devil's Advocate.

the walking man said...

So after the last American election all the ex-pat republicans can go to Calgary...cool I am going to start advising them to head there, it will be like the Mormon trek to Utah!

ivan@creativeriting.ca said...

Midnight:

Thnx.

ian@c reativeriting.ca said...

Mark,

Sure. Take the Oregon Trail like all those like-minded Missourins used to take back in 1850. Brigham Young Univestity forever!

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Mona,
Famous shibboleth excuse. "I am an artist, Martha!"

Chuckercanuck said...

My wife is forever grateful Ivan.

SInce I've seen your photo, if any of my girls end up looking like you I will be coming to Newmarket, an angry man!

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Hi Chucker,

Left a better looking portrait of myself up in the attic.
Getting so old I swear I remember the fall of Rome.