Monday, December 14, 2009

A funny thing happened at the shrink's office



Like many another borderline psychotic, today I seem to hiss, "If one more thing goes wrong!.."

If one more thing goes wrong it's out with the horse pistol and do in this old equus. They shoot horses, don't they?
Ahh. Echoes of beautiful Jane Fonda out of that old movie.

Things going wrong. Things winding down. It is nearing the end of December and all creatures are stirring to cause trouble, even the mouse...Squirrels stole my pizza which I had left out in the balcony to cool. Glass coffee table broken where I'd slammed down the whiskey jigger. Out of coffee, out of cigarettes, worse still out of rum. Spiderwebs all over. Computer all but crashed. Entropy. Things are winding down, going to hell.
Ever have one of these days? Like fingernail on the blackboard--or greenboard as I remember from my teaching days.
I begin to imagine how PMS might be like for a woman.
One told me, in a recent crisis, she wanted to commit homicide. I pointed to her husband. "Is this the homin you wann cide?" "Yes!"
I wanna go out and "cide" someone.
"Let's get rid of some of this piss and vinegar," a lover implores.
Afterwards, "You're still an asshole. I can't stand you."
Tough luck, Henrey Muck.
Press F for Psycho.
It's a bit like the weekend hunter on a Thursday afternoon. He stumbles around the house, breaks TV, crashes computer, argues with wife. Bull in a china shop.
He can't wait to hear the familiar beep of his asshole buddy's truck so he can load the guns and gear and get the hell out of the house. "And good riddance," sighs the harried wife.
Well, I am more fisherman than hunter, but something's up.

I got an email from somebody important in publishing.
And it crashed halfway through. I got the gist of it. A possibility of an award, but where and from whom, as it was sent anynumous. I could tell by the Bronx inflection in the copy that it was from New York.
Lost it. Now from me a Bronx cheer. Waszuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.

Seems this morning I am not going to make New York until I am posthumous. Dead.
Ha. Now that would be a career move.
I am letting that enthusiasm pass.

"What's wrong," says the doctor. "You got your health."
"You're the one making a hundred dollars an hour. You tell me."
"You're an asshole," he says.

"For crimminy's sake, I knew that! You're getting a hundred dollars an hour for this revelation?"

"Blah-blah-blah blah blah blah blah Mother
Bah blah blah blahe blah blah blah Penis
Blah blah blah blah blah blah Money."

"Omigod.You hit the nail on the head.
It's not mother, it's not penis, it's money!"

"So what else is new?
I think we can finish for the day....Oh. You're in Canada?
Am I going to send Premier McGuinty a bill!"

23 comments:

Charles Gramlich said...

I was feeling like ciding someone last week but have calmed down after a few days at home.

Anonymous said...

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the walking man said...

You just stumble from one adventure to the next without realizing how not boring your life is Ivan...I'd laugh about the lost award e-mail but I don't want to be the target of your cide.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Anonymous,

Sounds to me like former Peiping Tom.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

New moon today,Charles.

We all calm down.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Mark.

Heh. So many women.So little time.

--or in my dreams,anyway.

Anonymous said...

relax,bud...ya can't have a beautiful ocean without waves...every road's got some bumps...I'm sure Santa will get to you soon...in the meantime,surf's up...let it slide,kid...and what the hell is going on in anonymous 2's pond?...looks lie a run of imported carp got thru' the control gates...

Anonymous said...

Oliental Cleep in his pond.Feesh she is very small.


Yeah. Surf. Can't be lying in bed like Brian Wilson did.

--ivan

Anonymous said...

agreed,grasshopper...cannot lie in bed and carp about life...go vertical,man...full afterburners...

ivan@creaivewriting.ca said...

Master Po see good with funny eyes.

JR's Thumbprints said...

Blackboard? Greenboard? Nowadays is called a Whiteboard. Can't have chalk dust gumming up the computers.

Hang in there, Ivan. There's always Room 18.

Anonymous said...

Ivan...rather than send premier McDither/DooLittle a bill,apply for your sale as a public asset...that way you become privatized,de-regulated,and,no doubt,mindlessly filthy rich all in the process...you could party with the 407 gang every day...hand out your books at toll stops...endless possibilities...off topic, am glad you weren't one of the journalists pushed around on Davis Dr. on friday,during torch run...what the hell has happened to this country?...now we need gestapo-like security for a staged olympic "torch run"?...it ain't worth the grief...surprised the journalist wasn't tasered at least 5/6 times...national security and all that...boogie,boogie,boo...safe in the arms of Jesus...

Sienna said...

Hello sexy diamond

Someone really is excited between C. Gramlich and your post Ivan. Funny!

I am visiting, calling into say g'day, I think you have modem troubles.
May your modem be righted, and be up and running smoothly soon.

Pam

the walking man said...

hanging in there old man?

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Hi JR.

...I'm trying for a section 8.

What the hell.Three squares and a lockup room....But then you are a prison educator. Must be Ivan clones up there at Michigan Corrections...And you gotta teach them. I'm at the point here where I'm unteachable. And throwing familiar substance at my keeper!
Booga-booga. Hee

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Hi Pam,
You doll, for trying to get me published in Australia...And spreading my books around there.

Yep. Exciting ideograms. I say,Oliental Cleep.

Hope your brother is pulling through during this awful time of sickness. Merry Christmas to you and your family. There are miracles.

ivanlL@creativewriting.ca said...

Last Anonymous:

Tony,

Yep. We are selling the country and Provinces piecemeal. Old Canadian tradition. Canada is for sale. The Brits give us this beautiful country and we pawn it. Three pawnbroker's balls hanging off once-rich Canada.
And now this new fascism, coming out of mostly Toronto. I got a ticket for having a cigarette!

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Walking Man (Mark):

Computer still effed.

Am in library oggling all the pretty librarians. Whoops! The token male librarian just appeared among the stacks! Goddam, sorry Sam.

the walking man said...

Give 'im a leer for his Christmas old man...tis the season and all.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Never mind Dorothy Parker and her quip about glasses and passes.

Bookish marms with glasses somehow turn me on.

Heh. And they'r intelligent and you can say cutting things to them.

Donnetta Lee said...

Ivan: I am so sorry you're having a tough time. Things will look up soon. Get that %#@ computer up and running. We Quarks are missing you. Thank you for the thoughtful Christmas card. We sure were tickled to get it! Take care. D

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Squeak, gronk!

I think I can, I think I can. Puff, Puff. Up the grade....

31 viruses on computer. Drove me and my techie nuts, but I think all the nuts and bolts are in place over here now...But I've got this terrible rum hangover. Maybe it's just as well. Best to work on computer hookup drunk, I suppose...Anyway it worked.
Buenos noches, Senoritas

Anonymous said...

nice post. thanks.