Monday, January 25, 2010

Pants on the ground, pants on the ground..Or was that Dick Assman?



Addled by a mental block of late, no doubt caused by really bad Chinese mouthwash which I thought would be as harmless as Listerine when it came to a Vodka replacement--It's not. Oh Lord it's not! -- I found myself in a panicky state of memory loss. Not only could I not think, I could hardly type.
And yet the old discipline from the old newspaper days, was still there. Produce! Pros don't get mental blocks. They work either on or off alcohol, (though wood alcohol seems the be the entire content of your Chinese mouthwash).

So with my brain seemingly half shot away, I searched for an idea, any idea that would, at least produce a blog if I didn't have anything for the papers.
I tried to think of an idea. Any idea.
Nothing. And my fingers weren't going where they were supposed to be going when I typed out some themes.

Memory loss. Holy S...! I got to get out of this condition. Work. Work on anything, if only for therapy.

So I did Media Writing 101. Look at the encyclopaedia for ideas.
Well, now. Here on page one.
Aaardvark: A small African mammal.....
(Lord, how badly blocked am I?I am reduced to small African burrowing animals? What time is it getting to be?)

Panic mode. I am still not writing anything.

Down through the A's, still hoping for an idea, any idea.

Hm.

Finally:

Assman. Dick.

Well. Here could be a piece!


From another source:
"Dick Assman (1934 - ) is a Saskatchewan petrol station owner whose name propelled him to celebrity status across North America in 1995. Assman, who worked at Petro-Canada's Victoria Square Mall station in Regina, was discovered by David Letterman, who was amused by his name. Assman was lavishly introduced on July 24, 1995, on The Late Show with David Letterman, where he was a nightly feature for about a month. Live field units in Canada interviewed him for the show. Over the weeks, Assman received a musical tribute from Tony Orlando, while Joe Namath declared himself an "Ass-maniac".

Vancouver polling company Angus Reid reported that 49 percent of surveyed Canadians in September 1995 had heard of his name. Assman received a number of contracts for commercial appearances, was asked to run for public office, and received many marriage proposals. Assmania came to a close in August when Assman visited the Ed Sullivan Theater and was presented with a bouquet of roses by Letterman."

Well I think I got a subject. Maybe two subjects in one.

First there came Dick Assman, and much later, "General Larry Platt, though Larry Platt is talking of pants and not ass.

Yes, Larry Platt. Not Assman, but Pants man.
Sample lyrics:

Pants on the ground
Pants on the ground
You're lookin' like a fool
With your pants on the ground.


"The 62-year-old General Larry Platt's new musical rant against baggy-trousered B-boys, the instant classic "Pants On The Ground," which debuted last week on Atlanta auditions Idol episode and instantaneously made "PantsOnTheGround" one of the top Twitter trending topics of the night."
This song is clearly the best thing to happen to the reality industry, I maintain, since David Letterman discovered Dick Assman.

How more real can you get by having the name of Dick Assman?
And Larry Platt complaining of ghetto B-Boys with their pants on the ground, and yes, they do look foolish with their rear ends seemingly dragging on the ground.

And me? Well, I tried reaching Dick Assman's agent for comment.
"No comment," said the agent. "You'll have to pay for it. Dick is expensive."

As for Larry Platt?

I couldn't find Larry, but someone in his office said to me,
"How ya gonna get a girl with a name like Ivan Prokopchuk?

Pants on the ground
Pants on the ground
Lookin' like a fool
With your pants on the ground.

##

10 comments:

Charles Gramlich said...

Pants on the ground is a lesson to all of us. Don't watch TV!

Charles Gramlich said...

It's worse than wood alcohol.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Charles,

Even our late TV Guru, Marshall McLuhan said it'll rot your brain.

the walking man said...

Ivan...I think Sterno though a killer in it's own right would be better than Chinese mouthwash.

never a fan of late night TV (yes it's true I have never seen a live episode of SNL) I thought ass man was just that. Either a man being an ass or a man who preferred a woman's rump as opposed to her other luscious parts.

Unfortunately I have seen General and his "song." Ear torture though it may be, I don't think making it a cultural icon has helped any one pull their damn pants up.

What I found works is letting them know what and where the trend started.

In prisons the pants hanging below the rump means the ass is ready for a man for a price. which makes the guy wearing his trouser low the real Assman.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Wow, Mark.

With all that information, I feel rather young and inexperienced despite my advanced age. But then I've never been in stir. :)


I have seen Dick Assman intervied. He is actually a nice guy. I guess the Letterman set was easily amused. So by an accident of nomenclature, Dick Assman was bigger than the Pope for a while.
But then I have heard so many stories of assmen in the ecclesia...

Anonymous said...

Hi, it's Michael Koerner once again. Thanks for allowing me into your web space once again


Thought for Today:

"You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late" ~Ralph Waldo Emerson


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ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Ah the good old Air Force.

Sometimes I wish I'd never hung up my flight boots.

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