Wednesday, April 28, 2010

THE PROFESSOR IS INSIDE HIS FATHER'S GINGERBREAD HOUSE


THE FIRE IN BRADFORD. ACT IV Scene Four.

WE ARE INSIDE WHAT MUST SURELY BE A GINGERBREAD HOUSE BUILT BY MR. LOHAN, A MASTER CABINET MAKER TURNED BUILDER, WHOSE TYROLEAN STYLE COTTAGES HAD REALLY CAUGHT ON ON HAMILTON MOUNTAIN. HE IS A SHORT ENERGETIC MAN WHO STILL HAS AN ACCENT, BUT NO FOOL AND AS A FATHER, REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN HIS SON'S PROGRESS IN LIFE.

MR. LOHAN (WHO IS IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING BREAKFAST FOR HIS SON, THE PROFESSOR)

So, boychik. Prodigal son come home. Gonna make you some good omelet. Can't solve probelems on an empty stomach.

THE PROFESSOR FIDGETS A BIT WHILE SITTING IN A KITCHEN FULL OF NAIVE BAROQUE CUPBOARDS AND ALMOST DOLL-LIKE FURNITURE, HIMSELF FEELING SOMEHOW LIKE HANZEL, OF HANSEL AND GRETEL. BUT THIS WAS NO WITCH PREPARING BREAKFAST FOR HIM. HIS MOTHER IS AWAY TODAY, AND HE WAS GLAD IT WAS HIS FATHER HER NOW, HIS WONDERFUL, GIFTED FATHER, WHO COULD CREATE, DO ANYTHING, CERTAINLY COOK.

MR. LOHAN

So you have lost your Celia...No loss. Lots of Celias in the world...Losing your wife. Now that's a loss. How did you let that happen? How did you lose your family?

PROFESSOR:

I went to Mexico to write a book. I behaved foolishly. Laura divorced me.

MR. LOHAN.

I know, I know. Then you went right off the scale, Don Juan, one woman after another...until you meet this Celia..And she turned you into the woman in the relationship..It's all coming back on you. First the Don Juan thing. Conquest after conquest. It was you who had been serving the drinks. Now you've been offered a real vial. Now you have shit yourself with women.
Damn, why don't you deal in houses? You deal in women. Did I raise a pimp? What are you doing Don Juan?

THE PROFESSOR IS STILL FIDGETING.

Looking for true love, I guess.

MR LOHAN

True love? What are you, eighteeen? You need a woman for life, not love. You need a person to live with not a Loreli.
This Celia of yours is surely a siren. Hang you up on a rock....and she did. Look at you! Search for easy conquests, or the Loreli will get right inside you, make you mad with desire and turn you into a piece of bread.

PROFESSOR.

I am a piece of bread.


MR. LOHAN:

Worse than that. A fool. You would probably sign over your entire inheritance to her just to get her back...Wouldn't you, now wouldnt you? She's right inside you. Your obsession now. Hate say it, son, but you've become a Don Juan in hot pursuit of the queen, whom you can't have because of the King, and for all your thinking and fornicating in the past, you've ended up in a Platonic relationship...Hell, not even that...you're getting nothing at all out of it...And then you beat the shit out of the king. Oh Don Juan with the bent weapon...

THE PROFESSOR:

Dad,

MR. LOHAN

Oh, I know. You are my son. Old Dad has some secrets too. I've been where you are. But life was too hard at forty. I had to design, build. There was no more time for foolish romances.
That's what you must do now. Design. Build, before it's too late. Build on her, or the image of her if you have to, but build. You have now reached mature years. What's with all this high school confidential?

PROFESSOR.

I don't know how to explain it. It seems that I had finally found the woman. That woman. The one.

MR. LOHAN

...And you shit yourself. Lost all your money and half your sanity.

MR LOHAN HAS FINISHED MAKING THE WONDERFULLY SMELLING MUSHROOM AND BACON OMELET. HE TAKES THE PAN OUT OF THE STOVE, GOES TO THE TABLE, WHICH IS COVERED IN UKRAINIAN EMBROIDERY, AND DISHES OUT THE BREAKFAST.

MR LOHAN

Well, like I told you in the past, you can always come home. Fridge always full.

THE PROFESSOR REALIZES THAT HE IS REALLY HUNGRY. HE TUCKS IN.

MR. LOHAN.

Eat. You can't solve problems on an empty stomach.

PROFESSOR

Heh. I'm starting to feel better already.

MR. LOHAN:

You're going to feel a lot better after I tell you how I'm going to solve your problem. I am going to give you forty thousand dollars. Put that in your pocket and you won't give a shit about this Celia....She represented conquest and money to you in the first place. Didn't she. Now didn's she? Upper class whore.

PROFESSOR

Dad...

MR. LOHAN.

Don't Dad me. You're the one with the education. You're supposed to have wisdom.

I will put forty thousand dollars in your pocket. That is wisdom. Just don't blow it. Don't give it to a whore.

THE PROFESSOR FEELS A HUGE LOAD OFF HIS SHOULDERS. THE WONDERFUL AND GENEROUS FATHER SEEMS TO HAVE ACHIEVED THE TRICK.

...end scene

11 comments:

Charles Gramlich said...

Mr Lohan is far wiser than Lindsey Lohan's father it would appear.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Looks like the professor too, needs a driving instructor for life.

TomCat said...

Somehow I think that the $40,000 will turn out to be a bad investment.

ivan said...

:)

JR's Thumbprints said...

That's a mighty big Gingerbread standing on the front porch. He should try Facebook while it's still free; gotta "look-up" before you can "hook-up," so the sayin' goes.

ivan said...

JR,
Yeah, in the picture, at least, it looks like Momma's Little Baby had lots and lots of shortnin'...

Great to see your own blog back.
Girls around here been missing it.

the walking man said...

Now that you opened the can of pops wise ways you have to say what the conditions are for the 40k.

No father is going to give that kind of money away without some expectation unless of course his name is "Billionaire" Lohan.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Mark,

Yeah, I kind of brought in Mr. Lohan out of the blue.

He was the kind of man who made a fortune with his bare hands...and there was the Ukrainian family thing about helping out a son no matter what, even if the son was a fool.
Mr. Lohan no billionaire, but certainly loaded.

Mona said...

Lol@ Charles Gramlich :D

I like this act immensely!

But wasn't Don Juan supposed to go like : man after woman after man after woman after woman after man & so on...

But since Mr Lohan did not go to college, he is excused!

Mona said...

oh! My bad!

That was Byron the creator, not Don Juan!

Mr Lohan sure has his brain in right place!

ivan said...

Thanks for the appreciation, Mona.

I almost forgot about about our Don's gay streak.
Maybe it was Byron in his poem that made us think so.


Closeted?
Maybe Mr. Lohan had come across some Russian literature.
Maybe he suspected too.

And Quiet Flows the Don? :)