Tuesday, January 04, 2011

"To know me is to love me?"

It was one of those Mac Davis mornings.

It's the new year, the bills are coming in, you haven't really sold any stories for ten years (you'd been writing for free), the billl are coming in, MasterCharge is overdrawn, you haven't had sex for what certainly feels like years --and it looks like you're not even going to get laid in the future.
You need an antidote for the old man depression.

So you sing what mischievous singer Mac Davis did:

Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
when you're perfect in every way.
I can't wait to look in the mirror
cause I get better loking each day.
To know me is to love me
I must be a hell of a man.
Oh Lord it's hard to be humble
but I'm doing the best that I can.

I used to have a girlfriend
but she just couldn't compete
with all of these love starved women
who keep clamoring at my feet.

A one- time tomcat. Just like the Mac Davis guy.

Now checking out strip joints, looking for a job as eunuch...."Don't hurt the girls." Heh. What. With this?

You've become like a critic of literature. You know how it's done, you've seen it done, but lately, you can't do it yourself.

How easy it had been in the past. You had enough professional and artistic power, it seemed to you, to make women swoon-- hardly any need for performance. At the height of your success,you found starfuckers out there. Who cares if you were any good in bed. You were a star. On your own merits, on your own art. Sort of like that line out of Marlon Brando. You were a contenda! Fastest writer in town...Heh. Probably the only writer in a small town. But you made the Toronto Sun, the Globe, the Star, and seemed to go halfway around the very moon...and you shoemakered a novel in there between the newspages. Sneaked it in as Star Weekly fiction. And something of a lothario. There were emoluments!

But nowadays, when somebody asks if you're getting any, you say, "Sleep? Oh yeah. I'm getting lots."

Like in that old camping song, my font of passion has turned into my waterspout.

And still, somehow at this advanced age, there is still something of the banty rooster cockiness of youth.
You got the Mac Davis CD on, probably as an antidote not only for his depression at the time, but now yours.

Well I prob'ly could find me another
but I guess they're all in awe of me.
Who cares, I never get lonesome
cause I treasure my own company.

Treasuring my own company.

Gad, everybody is getting it on.

Even the homosexual is a high- profile figure.
People fall in love with room mates, zoo animals, chickens.
They can evern marry them.
I have recently joined group of subversives.

Maybe I can get me a Rhode Island Red.

Oh, little Miss Riding Hood
You sure is lookin' good

But it's all in my hat.

I guess you could say I'm a loner,
a cowboy outlaw tough and proud.
I could have lots of friends if I want to
but then I wouldn't stand out from the crowd

Somethin's got to change.

Seems just a matter of time till I stand in front of the Art Gallery of Ontario and expose myself to art.

I don't think I'll threaten anybody.

Make the girls giggle. "You call that a ....?" Lol.


Charles Gramlich said...

I'm definitely getting some...sleep that is, although with school starting that could change.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Yep. With school coming.

Everybody up!

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Prokopchuk:

Re: $10 Cdn money order attached.

This is a combined email snailmail letter. The snailmail part won’t be mailed until I next go to the P.O. which, hopefully, will be Friday of next week.

Here is $10.00 ref. all those emails ref. GUNMAN and BORN LUCKY.


ivan@creativewriting.ca said...


I had to work fast.

Lately, much of my own work has been half-fast.

JR's Thumbprints said...

Mac Davis ... didn't he at one time have his own television show?

As for writing, I do it "word by word" with a little self-help from authors like Anne Lamott; You know, "Bird by Bird." Only thing is, much of my writing comes out "Turd by Turd."

Hang in there Ivan; I'll be riding your coat tail.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

James, you could do far worse than following Ann Lamott.
The real nitty-gritty of what Yeats (or Joyce? )called "the rag and bone shop of the human heart."
Well, you're right in the centre of that where you work; where there are certainly other hearts, hearts of darkness.
You might yet crank out a Jean Genet masterpiece, though I think you are, um, not odd enough.
Take care.

benjibopper said...

Hey wait a minute didn't you just put out a brand new novel?! Keep it rolling man, your public demands more.

ivan said...


What a nice thing to say!

I seem to not entirely avoid self-pity in my humourous raga--if ragas can be humorous. I'd somehow forgotten that there has now been a reissue of my The Fire in Bradford, which is having brisk sales, at least locally.
There is also a sudden strong demand for my first novel of long ago, The Black Icon.

The Icon is long out of print; I may have to reprint at my own expense, but what the hell, as they might say, "better read again than dead."...But I am a lousy businessman, who may again be adding good money to bad...I had only broke even on the Black Icon some years ago. But what the hell.
...Better a busy fool than a crazy one, I suppose.

Take care.

Anonymous said...

Hi folks,

Reviews keep coming for Drive-by Saviours and I quite like this one by Corey Redekop, author of Shelf Monkey: http://shelf-monkey.blogspot.com/2011/01/monkey-droppings-drive-by-saviours-by.html

I've also turned my fingers to a little reviewing myself, compiling my annual list of favourite books I read last year: http://www.chrisbenjaminwriting.com/chris-benjamin-writing-blog/best-books-chris-benjamin-read-in-2010

Now putting the past behind me, looking ahead and wondering what revenge nature has in store for us, is my latest column: http://www.thecoast.ca/halifax/fear-and-seeking-in-nova-scotia/Content?oid=2111215

May all your books thrill you in 2011!

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...


Ha. Busy as an author!