Sunday, February 20, 2011

The February blues of a long distance lothario


February Blues.

The cliche is true.
You feel blue.

It is a dark, cold, stormy February night.

I am, as they used to say in the Air Force, lying "tits-up" on my rumpled bed with its sleeping bag for a duvet. Daydreaming.
There used to be hot and cold running women under that bed, but now in February, all I can look forward to is the semi-annual event of my erection, which, even now in this February night, will probably be the last one. Never mind finding the compatible woman. What're you gonna do when you find her? And with what?
I have a lawyer friend who used to vacation with Charles Shultz. He tells me of Mr. Schlultz' wonderful, celebrated art.
Oh how that Charles Schultz could sublimate his broken heart, his libido. And in the process, enthrall the world.
I imagine myself as a Peanuts character.

Snoopy holed up in his doghouse. Snoopy's nemesis, The Red Baron dasn't fly in today's February storm. It is snowing heavily. It is quiet in the barracks. There may as well be skis on the undercarriage of Snoopy's Sopwith Camel.

There had been a raid on the barracks in the better weather leading up to this storm. The Red Baron helemeted and long -scarved in the propwash. Richthoffen's Flying Circus. .
Snoopy had been caught lying down atop his doghouse, cutting zees.

...Strafe marks all round the doghouse. Snoopy rudely awakened. "Curse you, Red Baron!...Are those Fokkers?
Someone from he barracks answered, "No, those Fokkers are Messerchmitts!
Snoopy yawns...Wrong war!

Like Snoopy, like many another old dog now nearly reduced to chasing imaginary Fokker Triplanes, or worse-- cars-- I am now reduced to sublimating, at best, dreaming...

I am Walter Mitty, romantically unemployed. Dead Thulu liies dreaming? No, nothing as morbidly mad genius gay as that.

...More like Freud.

But my fantasies seem along the lines of aeronautical engineering, probably the result of a technical university education.

The Messserchmitt l09E had a 20mm cannon that could fire through the propeller hub, because the engine was actually hooked to a higher -ratio spider gear which left an extra driveshaft though which you could fire a cannon. The cannon was shot almost pistol-fashion, actually placing your hand on the pistol grip and blasting a Spitfire out of the sky...But because of engine heat, the cannon would often jam, and you would be ambushed by the other Spitfire behind you and peppered with eight rifle-calibre .303s from his wings...But you had steel armor behind you; the Spits had not yet acquired their 20mm cannon and it might as well have been buckshot hitting your tail.. You were at least alive to bail out.

I wanna bail out of reality on this February night.

...And what's with that 20mm cannon fantasy?
Old Freud might say, "Ach, that is not just a mere fantasy. Das is Ganz Schlecht! Psychopathia sexualis!"
.
A cannon that could drive right through a propeller hub. German technology, synchronization.
Durn. Maybe I've got occuaptional hazard. Too much specialization.

I definitely need to get out more. Certainly to find another job, not one of placing black marks on white computer screeens.

I go to the employment agencies. I fail Roscharch Inkblot tests. I keep seeing vaginas, not bats, as the personnel shrinks expect.
And yet, psychopathia sexualis.
This blocked lothario simply isn't me.

I have probably had more sex, laid end-to-end than anybody my age. This is not braggacio. But like for a character in a French novel, probably Picasso at seventy, the world has passed me by. "Get lost, creep!"

Ah, they're not making the girls the same this year.

Think I'll turn queer?

Oh godawful February. What're you going to do with an umemployed sexual acrobat, or, at least one who had thought himself so.

What's with that Messerchmitt pilot fantasy and his not alway reliable cannon which, because of engine heat, wouldn't work half the time? Oh Mr. Freud!

Seems one is I'm not just over the hill, but on top of everything else, turning gayer than Richard Simmons in a sportswear display. What is happening to the old libido?

Nothing coud be finer than to shack-up with a miner?...Worse still, a minor?

Frantically, I go to Google for information as to my condition. Is there hope? Could this at least be a leap year? That could explain the Richard Simmons fantasy. I check the Farmer's Almanac.

Oh-oh.

Calendar Year 2011 is a non-leap year, with 365 days [Gregorian is the date system for
this, as well as for the rest the site]. The year for the next leap is in 2012


Two thousand and Twelve?

It will take that long to get laid?
The Mayas said it'll be all over by 2012!

And even then, it might end up as February Blues, 2012.

But wait. Something already stirs.

Now, what am I going to do now with this?

Take it to my doctor.

"There isn't anything wrong with it".

I know. But isn't it a beaut?

"It's Febrary. And you're already crazier than a March hare."

Is that your diagnosis, Doc?"

"Yes."

##

10 comments:

Charles Gramlich said...

The Last Erection of Ivan. Now there sounds like a title for a helluva book!

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Well, I am a graduate of old Ryerson Institute of Technology, here in Toronto.
Maybe there is hope. Build somethin'. :)

PhilipH said...

You've only pricked the surface thus far dear chap.
The new film "The King's Speech" remainds me of a Battle of Britain Spitfire pilot who was at Buck House for a medal from King George VI.
The king says: "And this medal is f-f-for sh-shooting down three F-F-Focker-Wolfs..."

Pilot says "Excuse me your Majesty it was FOUR Focker-wolfs..."

King: "Three F-F-Foker Wolfs or f-f-four F-F-Fockers wolfs... You're only getting ONE F-F-Fucking medal!

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

PhilipH,

My fellow bloggers, Jo in particular--were really impressed with that movie.

And the Focke-Wulf 190 "Butcher Bird" was a fighter plane to make a Hurricane pilot blanch.

F-F-F- !

Anonymous said...

For Immediate Release Monday Feb 21 2011
For Editorial
Location: Main St South Newmarket, Ontario, Canada
Date: March 19 2011 - Time: 10:30 am - 4pm - Media Contact 289-221-0928

Town Declares Main St - Open for Business for Families in Winter!

While some municipalities have tried to ban road - hockey, the town of Newmarket is doing the opposite - by embracing it right onto Main Street and making Newmarket the most road-hockey friendly town in Canada!

The 7th Annual Friendly Neighbourhood Youth Road hockey Challenge will take to the street Saturday March 19 from 10:30 am until 4:00pm with a fun youth tourney, "pick-up games, challenges, musical entertainment and finals comedy play-by play with "Grapes Fisher". Registered youth teams can be any gender with free entry for players and spectators.
Participating businesses will also feature in-store specials, demos, tours, entertainment, and dish out free hot chocolate and hot food to tourney players!

Hey You(th)!

Form a road hockey team and you could win a $1,000 Education award!
Challenge a team to play / form to increase your chances as it goes to a pro-active community and schoolyard leader..like who forms the team! Neighbourhood, church, company, school, club, mixed gendered teams welcome.

The Mike Thornhill Memorial Friendship Award in memory of a Newmarket's Mulock Village youth killed by violence outside a donut shop. This years award is partially sponsored by Newmarket Lions Club North. Other tournament sponsors thus far include Road House & Rose Funeral Home, DMC Decorating, Wildflower Cafe, Brad Jones Karate and P.A.C.C..

Saturday March 19

The Friendly Neighbourhood Youth Road hockey Challenge 2011

Join us for Friendly competitive road hockey, entertainment on the street and in the cafes, comedy play-by-play, in-store specials, karate demonstration by Brad Jones and more! Spectators and shoppers welcome!

Youth tourney - 12 - 18 yrs as of Dec 31 2010 - registration - 9:30 - 10:30 or call to ensure a spot.
Games start 10:30 sharp with singing of O Canada!

All ages pick up game - no reserve

New! Parents vs kids..no reserve

Skills Competition and Mayor / Council Challenge!...Score one on the Mayor!?

Live comedy play - by Play with "Grapes Fisher" by TP Entertainment

No charge to play...Cars!

Opening face-off party Fri night prior...adults! 7-10 PM Main St location TBA

To register a team, sponsor, or volunteer, call Kristine at 905-895-3126
or email povertyacc@gmail.com or visit www.povertyacc.com/getinvolved

Tom Pearson
Event Organizer
www.povertyacc.com

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Thanks, Tom.

I'll try to make it.

the walking man said...

So did you get laid or laid out at the hockey event?

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Mark,

I think I may had sent out a signal with the blog.

I'm starting to get phone calls, even from women who had in the past considered me at this time of H.R. Block--a mere, taxing nuisance.

ivan said...

Hi folks,

Renowned Nova Scotian writer and photographer Sandra Phinney has a sweet feature on her blog called Author! Author!, which features a different Canadian author each week. Last week it was me.

Check out the profile and pictures at http://sandraphinney.com/author-author/author-author-chris-benjamin/.

Happy weekending.

Chris

--
Check out images from Chris' book launches and tour at http://www.chrisbenjaminwriting.com/drive-by-saviours.php

ivan said...

Chris,

I just read the review. Sandra Phinney is an excellent writer.

I was especially intrigued by a quote of yours after she apparently interviewed you.

I am writing slightly out of context but, you had said,

"So sometimes inspiration comes from the loins."

Et tu Btute?
Heh. See my blog above. :)