Friday, March 30, 2012

Hallucinating like Clark Kent with the flu.





"I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working,
yeah

I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry
baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette"

--Alanis Morisette



Heaven forbid the talented lady should be playing with herself, but that's pretty well my mood on this full moon--got one hand in my pocket and the other is flicking a cigarette.

"Have you ever been crazy, Ms. Morrisette?" a Toronto reporter asks.

"Sure. Lots of times."

"And how do you deal with that?"

"You just walk through it."

Well, that was the wild and talented Alanis.



Well, over here its not just crazy, but one hell of a bout with the flu. I am, like a carricature of "Clark Bent" in vintage MAD Magazine, I am bent, old, coughing and hobbling from spittoon to garbage bag while seeming to obsessionally mutter, "Lois. Only you, Lois."

But like the lampooned Clark Bent, I too have some time ago been given a backhander from my own Lois Lane, with the explanation, "Get lost, creep!"

"But I'm sick with the flu."

"Die, Bastard."

Well, that's what happens when you cheat on Lois Lane, who even up till now, has no idea that you might be Superduperman. And would it make a difference? "Get lost, creep."

So, home alone. Sick and home alone.

Thankfully, there are still friends, but it's more like out of the Book of Job. I am figuratively sitting on my dung hill, more like "'bring-up mountain" as I leave flukers in the garbage.
Seems in my sick state, the next hill, might as well be Broke Back Mountain, since I've had no luck with women of late.

So, into the liquor cabinet for a rum and coke.


"I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working,
yeah"

Well, certainly not young and underpaid. More like not paid at all. I haven't sold a story in years, and my creditors are getting restless...And now feeling kind of dead. The flu is starting to give me hallucinations. I am in Mexico. I am in Texas. I am in Copenhagen with some great Danes. Oh for the taste of that ten per cent FAXE beer...And you can't get it in Nemarket today because I swear somebody has run off with the imported beer truck. I tell the lady at the beers store, "The FAXE, just the FAXE, ma'am."

And she says there ain't none. Somebody has held up the shipment.

"You mean I now have to drink Molson's or some other Ontario tribute to the chemical industry?
"You could try CREST, from England."

"But that sounds like a toothpaste."

"It works for me, she says as she very deftly throws a beer case to a top shelf.

So I settle for the big bottle of Labatt's the 1.16 litre one.

Settled in between couch and spittoon I wait for the flu to pass.

But this one is especially virulent. I am visited by hallucinations, time travel, images out of Deepak Chopra. I am in several places at the same time.

Man, this can't be the flu. I am having too good a time.

"Who do you work for, John?
"For the Grand Maison?

And who is Grand Maison?

Labatts, Labatts,Labatt's.

There's got to be some kick in that Canadian beer.

With the hallucinations and the strong beer, I feel like a Chicago heroin addict.

"When dad horse kicks you..."

I swear somebody has tampered with that big bottle of beer.

But what the hell. What a kick.

I hope it kicks the crap out of the flu.

Magoo.

7 comments:

Charles Gramlich said...

Another song that's kind of that way is by Soundgarden. I'm sober, even though I'm drinking. I can relate.

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Charles,

Yeah. I am often in that state. :)

Sue wish I had written a song about it...But then who can match Soundgarden or the wonderful Alanis Morisette?

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Pleas ignore the letter below.

I am in trouble with the tax man,my printer has broken down, and, I fear, so have I.

I am trying to duplicate the letter into hard copy and I hope it works.



Canada Revenue Agency
Tax Centre
1050 Notre Dame Avenue
Sudbury, ON
P3A 5C2

A Supervisor.


Dear CRA,

On about February 28, I innocently went to National Money Mart Compny, Store # 817 to have my taxes made out on the cheap...Just out of hospital after a series of three operations, I could hardly see, let alone fill out a complicated tax form.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that not only could I get back the tax collected on rent paid in 2011--but I owed the government about $99.00.

I balked.
Money Mart said if you don't like it, you can go somewhere else.
Not wishing to change horses in midstream, I went along, and soon paid the $99.
But I soon get a letter from CRA that tells me I had made about $15,000 in self employed income!...I had not caught this information, as Money Mart wouldn't even let me see the form they prepared before sending it out online.

I have made no money at all in self-employed income for years! Zero. I am on OAS and continue to be a non-profit starving writer.
This terrible mistake (dare I say fabrication?) may result in me not getting any GST or heating tax rebates from Ontario. It may also complicate a disability benefit programme I am trying to complete with Ottawa.

It is probable that my tax form was filled out by an inexperienced person at Money Mart, and I was too sick and blind to notice.
Respectfully, I would like to have a reassessmen of my tax form for 2011.

Luckily, I have managed to salvage a carbon copy of my T-4 slips, which I am including in this letter. I an also including my rent receipts.

Help!

Yours sincerely,

Ivan Prokopchuk

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Canada Revenue Agency
Tax Centre
1050 Notre Dame Avenue
Sudbury, ON
P3A 5C2

A Supervisor.


Dear CRA,

On about February 28, I innocently went to National Money Mart Compny, Store # 817 to have my taxes made out on the cheap...Just out of hospital after a series of three operations, I could hardly see, let alone fill out a complicated tax form.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that not only could I get back the tax collected on rent paid in 2011--but I owed the government about $99.00.

I balked.
Money Mart said if you don't like it, you can go somewhere else.
Not wishing to change horses in midstream, I went along, and soon paid the $99.
But I soon get a letter from CRA that tells me I had made about $15,000 in self employed income!...I had not caught this information, as Money Mart wouldn't even let me see the form they prepared before sending it out online.

I have made no money at all in self-employed income for years! Zero. I am on OAS and continue to be a non-profit starving writer.
This terrible mistake (dare I say fabrication?) may result in me not getting any GST or heating tax rebates from Ontario. It may also complicate a disability benefit programme I am trying to complete with Ottawa.

It is probable that my tax form was filled out by an inexperienced person at Money Mart, and I was too sick and blind to notice.
Respectfully, I would like to have a reassessmen of my tax form for 2011.

Luckily, I have managed to salvage a carbon copy of my T-4 slips, which I am including in this letter. I an also including my rent receipts. The Consent and Request form was filled out and filed by National Money Mart Company. Store # 817, on 2012, February 28.

My social insurance number is 402-609-895.

Help!

Yours sincerely,

Ivan Prokopchuk

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