Sunday, March 04, 2012

Never having to say I'm sorry?




When a writer plagiarizes himself, he's in trouble. So I'll save myself trouble by plagiarizing somebody else.

Here is something tragicomic I stole last summer from a blog titled Sex, Drugs and Bacon Sandwiches.


I is very, berry sorreeeeeeee... Forgivz me?


I’ve been a bad girl. A very, very bad girl.

Dear Los Squangeles,
We met after some random texts and a long train journey. It wasn’t long before we’d shared some scarily crazy nights out, a bed, a hangover and a hatred for crappy lesbian porn. Our friendship was cemented.
The last time I came home I promised that we’d meet to dabble in some more of the above. After you arranged to take the day off work you checked with me a squillion times and a squillion times I said I’d be there…
However, when the day came I did what I do best - A disappearing act. I got completely caught up in whatever woman I was doing at the time and totally forgot about the woman I should’ve been meeting. I was a cunt.
You sacrificed a days holiday which I’m sure you would have appreciated taking on another day, you cancelled plans with your friends and to cement my cuntness I did this to you on your birthday weekend.
I nearly wrote a paragraph of excuses but I have none that suffice.
I’m sorry. A LOT.
Love,
Sex, Drugs and Bacon Sandwiches

22 comments:

Charles Gramlich said...

Squillions is a helluva lot, man!

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Charles,

Yep. I've only recently discovered transfinite numbers.Zero-two can insinuate itself into anything...?

Anonymous said...

Hi folks,

For those of you in Nova Scotia, I'll be part of a roundtable discussion (with some great writers: Alexander MacLeod, Laura Penny, Vicki Grant and Frank Macdonald) the night they announce the Atlantic Book Awards shortlists. This'll be at Neptune’s Studio Theatre, March 21 at 7:00 p.m. Details are at http://cbup.ca/blog/frank-macdonald-to-join-book-awards-panel-discussion/. Should be a fun night.

Also, in my latest Coast column, Striking the Environment, I try to quantify the environmental impact of Halifax's ongoing transit strike (now the longest in our history): http://www.thecoast.ca/halifax/striking-the-environment/Content?oid=3039361.

Happy reading,
Chris

--

Check out my pretty new Eco-Innovators website at http://www.chrisbenjaminwriting.com/eco-innovators.php.



Chris Benjamin is a freelance journalist, fiction writer, CBC News web writer/editor and a columnist for The Coast. He is the author of Eco-Innovators: Sustainability in Atlantic Canada (http://www.nimbus.ns.ca/Eco-InnovatorsSustainability-in-Atlantic-Canada-P45.aspx) and the critically acclaimed novel, Drive-by Saviours (longlisted for a 2011 ReLit Award and Canada Reads 2011). In 2006/2007 he worked as a journalist in Ghana. He shared an honourable mention in the 2009 National Magazine Awards. Chris has also written for The Globe and Mail, Toronto Star, Chronicle Herald, VoicePrint Canada, This Magazine, Now Magazine, Canadian Dimension, Descant, Arts East, East Coast Kitchen Party, Third Person Press, Nashwaak Review, Pottersfield Press, Rattling Books, The Society, University of Waterloo Press, Z Magazine, Briarpatch Magazine, Coastlands, Progress Magazine, Rural Delivery and many others.

www.chrisbenjaminwriting.com
http://twitter.com/benjaminwrites

ivan@creativweriting.ca said...

(Please ignore the below letter.

It is a communication to an old girlfriend about my terrible income tax plight.


MR,

Feel for you.
I am in kind of a box myself....Just out of hospital I wasn't fully aware of what I was doing, got my tax form filled out by a cash advance company...they said they would do it cheap. I forgot to include my rent receipts, and all the while they somehow put in my yearly income for the tax man at double at what it really was. Where did they get this phantom figure of $25,ooo?
This resulted in my having t pay Ottawa a hundred dollars....And all the while, I expected a rent rebate of about a thousand dollars on my income tax.
Jesi Cristo. I expected, under the old system to get a thousand dollars back.

But with the cash advance company's negligence, I ended up having the form done wrong, and owing the Feds a hundred dollars.

I don't know what made me sicker, the operation for ulcers or "Money Mart."

As for your plght, I'd say keep on working at around that place.

Heh. Years ago, I came across a novel by the later Richard Farina: "Been down so long it sems like up to me."

Heh. Maybe we should harng around together?

Take care.

--Ivan

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Dear Canada Revenue Agency.

I am in receupt of your Notice of Assesment, dated Mar. 8, 2012.

I had filed my income tax form during a time of bad health and duress; I had just returned from hospital after a near-death bout of duodenal ulcers; I was hardly fit to do income tax, let alone get over the shock of not being able to claim my rent paid in 2012 to secure a refund.
Just out of hospital I wasn't fully aware of what I was doing, got my tax form filled out by a cash advance company...they said they would do it cheap. I forgot to include my rent receipts, and all the while they somehow put in my yearly income for the tax man at almost double at what it really was. Where did they get this phantom figure of $25,ooo? They say it was from self-employment....I have not been self-employed for years. I am on OAS and supplement. I am too old to work.
This resulted in my having t pay Ottawa a hundred dollars....And all the while, I expected a rent rebate of about a thousand dollars on my income tax.
Jesi Cristo. I expected, under the old system to get a thousand dollars back. There was also the fact that the rent I had paid in 2011 wasn't even imputed on my form.

But with the cash advance company's negligence (and with my own sloppiness) I ended up having the form done wrong, and owing the Feds a hundred dollars.

I don't know what made me sicker, the operation for ulcers or "Money Mart."

I have already paid the $98.69 the Agency said I owed them.
This was a mistake.

I am sure that with the new information I am providing, the Canada Revenue Agency owes me money.

Yours truly,


Ivan Prokopchuk


Social insurance number
402 609 895

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